You know I dont think fixers like us are bad people, it just depends on how we go about it. I guess what's so hard is when we see something that needs "repair" and we're willing to do whatever we can, but our help is NOT WANTED, as in our marriages. How sad when one loves enough to keep trying, growing, and learning, yet the other feels they gotta bolt and run. It truly is TOUGH LOVE, yet loving maturely enough to let them go. It physically hurts, it hurts so much. But do unto others as you would have done to you, so let go.
How would a bomb drop affect me today? Well of course hind sight being 20/20, and all that I've learned here, and still do, gee, I think I could almost do it with one hand tied behind my back!My goal ever since this started was to learn enough and come out the other side well enough that I could really help someone else that's going through the same thing I had/am going through.
Im very scared to trust H again. That part of the reason Im flipping out left and right over his very positive and consistent change. He seems just different. I guess what rattles my cage is that he appears to want to establish some sort of better relationship with me, maybe even a friendship again. I question if he's doing this because he's engaged to OW? Giving me spousal support and being extra nice in fear I would become very vindictive? This is me really just waiting for another BD or shoe to drop. This is me being so afraid to trust anything positive again, given this is the 3rd time he's left and broke my heart in the last 4 years.
I realize that if there ever were to be a reconcilliation that this would be the first step to take learning to trust and have a friendship again. But right now, Im not sure I would even want one, or even a friendship with him. I realize we're parents and we need to have some sort of good communication in regards to the kids and their affairs. But anything else....what's the point? I know he and I view friendship very differently. I know he said he did miss the friendship after he'd been gone a month or two, but "as for what married people are supposed to feel, I feel empty".
Well, for me, if ya still got a good friendship, you still got a good foundation for rebuilding that connection and making the marriage better than before! Heck I think it would be fun...but then again if they won't meet ya half way....you're going no where.
LOL...Hey T, well this weekend Im watching my niece and hoping it doesn't rain. If you're in my neck of the woods, let me know!
