Ever since I had the conversation with him on Sunday evening he has been more open with me. More friendly. So I guess in a way our relationship has improved. Although for some reason he feels the need to help me look for places to live, which makes me feel like he is pushing me out. And it hurts. I think perhaps he is doing it out of guilt. It is hard to hide my real emotions from screaming out. It is hard to act "as if" when you have just been punched in the gut.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Ever since I had the conversation with him on Sunday evening he has been more open with me. More friendly. So I guess in a way our relationship has improved. Although for some reason he feels the need to help me look for places to live, which makes me feel like he is pushing me out. And it hurts. I think perhaps he is doing it out of guilt. It is hard to hide my real emotions from screaming out. It is hard to act "as if" when you have just been punched in the gut.
tell him 1) you are still in shock about things and don't want to feel rushed, although you assume he means well, it's not helping
and
2) YOU will find a place yourself as you adjust to your new life...
agree to nothing. I suspect if you have 2 kids, the formula is 25% CS in most states. Ask the L you hire. Don't know what effect his prior child has or if he's a good father to that child.
Also don't know if alimony is allowed in your state either.
hang in there and please keep posting!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Do NOT fuel his negative images of you. He uses those to justify his choice to leave.
Counter those negative images with positives. So Calm, warm interactions w/the kids...no yelling, no berating, etc.
Helping your h when he asks...and whatever else he complained of... undermine those negatives...
and lose the anger, at least in front of him. It does NOT help your cause.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I really appreciate all the advise. My 180s are to be calm and serene and to not raise my voice. Also to be more active with the kids and not to be so "intense" and more laid back. Although my husband has noticed this and tells me he thinks I am just being "fake".
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Talked with a L today who was very helpful and very informative. She highly suggested working out a deal for custody first since of course the kids are the most important detail to work out. Let me tell you the thought of not seeing my kids on a daily basis is enough to make me go postal. I do want primary placement that is my biggest concern.
Yes my state does have maintenance but if he is willing to take on all the marital debt and agree to my terms I won't be too concerned with seeking maintenance. This does give me a bit of power I think. I have felt so helpless in this entire situation that it feels good to have a say.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Honestly I dont know how H could possibly have the kids 50/50. He is a workaholic. That's part of the problem of why we drifted apart. He goes into work early, works late and goes on business trips frequently. In fact, he won't be home tonight because he has to go on an overnight business trip. How does he think this will work in the future? That I will just be there to pick up the pieces?
I think H is going through a MLC. He has started contacting friends he had long before we got married. He is really concerned with his appearance and I have noticed odd charges on the credit card like florists, jewelry and out of town restaurants. I have asked him three times if he is having an affair and he has denied it three times.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
It's also difficult when your H who used to not be able to keep his hands off you can't get far enough away from you in bed. Although he is not making any attempts to sleep any where else although we have a pull out couch and a spare bedroom.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
And it's also hard heAring that he could care less about our beautiful home that is only 6 years old that we built together from the ground up. It's like everything we've ever had together was a lie.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Honestly I dont know how H could possibly have the kids 50/50. He is a workaholic. That's part of the problem of why we drifted apart. He goes into work early, works late and goes on business trips frequently. In fact, he won't be home tonight because he has to go on an overnight business trip. How does he think this will work in the future? That I will just be there to pick up the pieces? He may mean "joint" custody which is not necessarily the same as "physical" custody. The court will need to know this about his work, and unless you agree to "pick up the pieces" the court won't assume you are always available 24/7.
I think H is going through a MLC. He has started contacting friends he had long before we got married. He is really concerned with his appearance and I have noticed odd charges on the credit card like florists, jewelry and out of town restaurants. I have asked him three times if he is having an affair and he has denied it three times.
Please do not get bogged down in whether he's in a mid life crisis or not. It's a pointless exercise in thought and worry and obsession. And, your course of action is the same no matter what. You know you have your own work to do, so stay focussed on that.
Stop asking your h about the affair. First, as Bond says, "Cheaters lie". Your h's denials have not soothed you. Why ask for more of that?
So he's either lying, which means you don't need to keep hearing him do that,
OR he is telling the truth, and then it must annoy him to have you continue to ask the same question.
If you believe that an affair would be an absolute deal breaker for you, then snoop, get proof and confront when you have your legal ducks in a row.
If not, then become the better choice for him.
You know you have some temper issues and you don't tend to help him when he asks for it, which surprised me. I don't know what the sex life WAS like in the past, but you said now it's non-existent.
Did you withhold it in the m? I think men don't return home for the great sex they never had. You can deal with that later.
For now, be warm, upbeat, loving and calm. I also think that the 180s should not only be things you
refrain from doing, like "not losing your temper"...but instead, DO something or take some action.
Join something or take a class and be different. Be a bit mysterious. Less predictable.
consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.
The more you focus on WHY your h is doing what he's doing or thinking,
the less you'll work on those changes that he needs to see in you.
My biggest regret, even though things worked out for us,
is how much time I wasted on why my h was doing what he was doing, or what he was planning/feeling/thinking or saying...
None of it was in my control.... AND instead of obsessing about my h,
I could have created a happier, more fulfilling life for me and my kids, that much faster...which was probably a trigger for our reconciliation anyhow.
Figure out something you can join or do or a class you can take this week so you can start GAL and being happier, more like you were when he fell in love with you... be a woman only a fool would leave.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=wishing, hoping]And it's also hard heAring that he could care less about our beautiful home that is only 6 years old that we built together from the ground up. It's like everything we've ever had together was a lie. [/quote
WH,
don't try to argue or convince him that he's wrong or has a faulty recall.
The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend those choices...
and you cement them in his mind.
These are "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized by Sandi, consisting of principles based on MWD's Div Busting approach, (& edited SLIGHTLY by yours truly). I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.
FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then, don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. (Includes phone calls).
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) In short, No Snooping.
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, do 180s… (so if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her to initiate), then be rather scarce or minimal with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short & simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! (No matter what time he/she comes home.) You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy YOUR life and time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life too. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. - But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!-- This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. The supposed changes will look like "tactics" to get them back & then they won't believe the changes are real or lasting.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive & fun to be with. (As hard as this is, remember that angry, sad, pouting people do NOT ATTRACT others to them). The FUN somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be awhile) so this takes patience on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Never lose your temper! (That reinforces their choice to leave). Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill or be over the top in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel. They are not "wrong" to feel as they do. But remember that how they think they feel at the moment, changes.
24. Be patient……VERY, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do NOT interrupt them when they are speaking, OR correct them, and stop what you may be working on or doing, to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. (Listening better never hurts.)
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Silence can be the loving thing to "not say."
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. Get professional help if you are not getting sleep, not eating right, feeling too distracted for your kids or your job, or are having bad thoughts. There is no shame in this and many people here have sought out help. That's what it's for.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Calmness is soothing to the calm person AND their "audience". Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only, NOT your spouse. The more you tell them what you are doing (or trying to show them) the more your actions will seem manipulative & insincere.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write, or a single dramatic gesture. (We are Not saying not to do/say those too, but focus on consistent changes, over time. That earns the spouse's belief in the changes).
30. Do not openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever, & even when you truly feel desperate & needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. Very important that you get this concept.
31. When you communicate with your spouse, do not focus on yourself; instead, focus on them. If in person, make eye contact.
32. Do not believe any of what THEY SAY and less than 50% of what THEY DO. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared, AND OR, b/c they want to justify their leaving.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes! Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day, unless absolutely necessary. (That means only in urgent matters.)
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
I would also add this WH...like most wives, there are times you wonder what would happen if the h died. You write wills and buy life insurance, etc...so,
imagine your life without your h for a minute...but with you being happy.
what does that look like? Envision it in detail. Where do you live? What are you doing a few years down the road?
Any new work or activities? Going back to school? What are you studying? Okay...so now, what of those things can you create in your life now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
