So, I forgot to journal about a dream I had last night.
In the dream, this guy I've known my entire life asks me out on a date. Somehow it ends up being my birthday, and he sends me a card through one of my cousins, asking me out. My H sees the card, and get jealous, asking if this is one of my new conquests or something.
I say to him that he's had his own A, which should he care what I do? During the discussion, he actually admitted to having 2 women (held up 2 fingers and everything). I told him yeah, I already knew that. He went on to say that one was too fat though. We end up joking that yeah, she was on the heavy side. (WTH?)
We then end up going back and forth a bit about his A. In another scene, I think I actually went on a date with the guy, and H was not happy about it. And that's all I remember. Seems like I kept seeing the same scenes over and over again.
Needless to say, I tossed and turned all night, and don't feel like I actually got any sleep.
Anybody got any idea what this means? LOL Am I cracking up for real?
Didn't get much sleep last night either. I feel like God is using my dreams and subconscious to give me some guidance, but I'm not getting it. That makes me sad. Gonna do some praying and meditation today. Been slacking there. I also need to actually start working through my anger. Because I'm definitely leaning toward the angry and bitter end of things these days.
I've downloaded some books that I need to read. Started reading After the Affair, but started getting mad all over again about H's A, and stopped reading. I think I just need to let the anger come, and move through it as I read the book. *shrug*
NH - I think I've been feeling my anger, but not knowing what to do after that. I mean, it is justified, but since I'm not "supposed" to show it to H while DBing, I've been at a loss as to what I'm to do instead.
I can relate to that. I am not sure what to do with the anger at times either. Hang in there RoRoin, one foot in front of the other like I said earlier. Sometimes its all we can do.
So I decided to go the positive route, and extend an olive branch. I called to check on him at work to see how he was feeling. He is still having stomach issues, and is literally scared to eat anything. He's been drinking water, juice, and Gatorade all day. LOL Anyway, he is headed to NC tomorrow to work on music stuff. He's supposedly headed to a city that is nowhere near where OW lives (at least that's where he told me he'd be). He's been sick for two days, I've been tired for two days, so we really haven't spent that much time together. In the same room together yes...actively engaged no. (Didn't say this to him though)
I asked him if he was getting off of work at his regular time today. He said yes. I said since you'll be gone for two days, I'd like to spend a little time with you before you leave tomorrow. *Insert 10 second pause here* Then he says he was getting off at his regular time. I said and you still have to pack. He said yes, but he'd just throw some things in a bag. Told me he was going to try and get a haircut today (here we go with the hair again! LOL) and then he'd be home. I just said okay, and that I had to stop and get a power strip for my Xbox Kinect on the way home. (Trying to include the “date” with something else – he hooks up my Kinect; we play a game or two that he won’t be able to resist because he LOVES video games)
I was a little annoyed at his pause when I asked to spend time with him, but got over it because really, this is only the 2nd time since the bomb that I have asked. The first time was in the beginning of February a couple of weeks before his Vegas trip. I asked him about going to Cold Stone to grab some ice cream after work in an email. He seemed very hesitant - making the excuse that he couldn't get off of work early, when he does this ALL the time. So I just let it go. I know now through my DB Coach that I should have handled this differently. Plus, I hadn’t implemented any changes as far as our M was concerned – not that I have done so much now either, but at least I’m trying.
So hopefully tonight I’ll have at least started implementing some of the suggestions from my DB Coach. I do want to say here that I can see how if I’m not watching it, I could easily slip back into being my old, negative, sarcastic self. I need to do a better job of listening first before I respond. I know some of this has to do with my anger as well. Yeah, we’re back to that again.
I’m wondering if I should go dark while he’s gone. He’ll be in the studio most of the time anyway, so it’s not likely that he’ll even notice that I haven’t called or texted. Or maybe he will? I don’t want to go dark, and have it backfire.
I was perfectly okay making decisions on my own before. Why is it I need a consortium now to even decide what shoes to put on in the morning? LOL
I was perfectly okay making decisions on my own before. Why is it I need a consortium now to even decide what shoes to put on in the morning? LOL
Because out best thinking got us here.
Quote:
I could easily slip back into being my old, negative, sarcastic self. I need to do a better job of listening first before I respond. I know some of this has to do with my anger as well. Yeah, we’re back to that again.
Why would you call him?
What did Cheryl say?
If I can do, you can do it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Cheryl told me to act like his girlfriend again. We dated long distance so phone calls and emails were all we had for over a year. So once he moved up here and we got married, our daily ritual would be to check in on each throughout the day - at least once. He has made comments before when we didn't do that - before the bomb.
After the bomb, it was sporadic at best. Cheryl encouraged me to start doing the things that I used to do, and this is one of them. He will call or email me as well, if he hasn't talked to me all day.
Labug, I think I can, I think I can...
So far this "date" isn't going well. Once we both got home and were about to eat dinner, he remembered he had to send his friend some music for this weekend. He's been on the computer for over an hour. A little disappointed, mostly about my XBox not being hooked up, but I am keeping it moving. I CAN do it myself if need be. Planning my GAL for the weekend.
