I appreciate you explaining the "proven desirability" because this was an issue with me many years ago during the first 5 years of my marriage. I will openly admit that I got sucked into the online chat room - cyber ordeal. I never did have a PA with these people, just online cyber flings....
...My husband of course discovered these things and to say it hurt him is an understatement. When I tried to describe it to him then and even years later Im not sure if he really grasped that it truly was me and not him. I now know he never let go of that because he told me after he left and we started fighting about all this stuff swept under the carpet. However his actions for years afterwards indicated we were moved on from it, it was no longer a problem, and we were just a family growing together and raising our kids. I honestly didn't even think about it anymore. He was my husband, and I wanted him and only him.
Having been on his side of the cyber thing...he may have thought/thinks it IS infidelity. When W did this in phase 1 of MLC, even though I researched the why's, etc...there was something in me that broke...my last belief/illusion in life, that W and I were something special, made for each other by the gods, etc., was shattered...one of our theme songs was/is "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica...
You said he didn't do the research into your "why", and I am assuming he didn't go to counseling or anything either. He also continued to snoop, seeing all the emails regarding M issues...so I would guess he never recovered from your cyber infidelity, so maybe he didn't trust all your nice things you did for him and somewhere was hanging on to victim mentality.
Unresolved, he ran from his discomfort into the gaming (I stayed in micro-brews...).
For me, her cyber-infidelity and EA, the shredding of phone bills so I wouldn't see how much see was talking with OM, was the absolute LAST thing I could have imagined from W. Even non-sexual stuff I saw when I snooped at first hurt...like "Oh, wouldn't it be fun if we went out to dinner and I wore this hot little dress and you wore...". I would think, "Why don't you want to do this with me???" (we have always been tight with cash since the kids and she's a SAHM).... I felt like a paycheck, not wanted for fun stuff...just business.
Even though I did my research into why and such, I didn't recover my true self again, and full trust. Even though I didn't snoop, I was hyper-vigilent (though I THOUGHT I trusted again...) with her behavior....and I knew when something was wrong this time around with W.
Quote:
I realized what I did was for my own emotional issues and he was not a failure because I had them.
Somewhere inside, he didn't believe this. Without counseling, etc, this ate at him somewhere where many of us men try not to go...
So, now in MLC, maybe this is expressing itself (along with all the other demons from the past). Because he didn't trust anymore at a deep, fundamental, level from way back when...
Quote:
it turned to poison
No trust/questioned trust=not loved.
When he changed shifts to work opposite, was it his choice, or was it instigated by his employer?
If it was his choice, was there a financial advantage to do it, like higher pay, reduced child-care expenses, etc? If so, then he was probably doing what he thought best to provide for the family.
If his choice, but no employment/financial advantage, then maybe it was running/detaching, idk. I do know that with me, I spent/am spending a lot of time at my office...escape the first time around with phase 1 of W MLC, this time around it is to give her space since we still co-habitate, or to give me (cheap) space away from her Alien mode...
Just my .0314
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
