Thank you JustStunned. I contacted our provider and was sent a list of referrals. I spoke with one therapist that is a solutions based MC, but she recommended someone for now that has experience with trauma/anxiety counseling that may help me to better understand the position my W is in. Recommended a few to me to contact and also said once I get a better grasp on that to call back and set up a few sessions with her. Seemed to make sense so I'm opting to head down that path for now.
In other news, I finally had a conversation with the W about her lack of interest in our S as he's needs must be first. Lately she hasn't been fulfilling her end of the bargain with our sitch. She had just gone 2 days with absolutely no contact with him and he was starting to get upset. A phone call around bedtime always is good for him or a quick call in the morning before work sets his mind at ease. Last night I laid out the ground work and told her that was the minimum requirements to ensure that he has the least amount of impact from the situation. It really upsets me that she has been able to disconnect herself from her maternal instincts/responsibilities.
It seems like we are stuck in a pattern where Sun-Tues go pretty well. Good family time, no issues or attempts at discussions, but once Wed comes around it's like my W has been replaced with a complete different person. With my position comes the seasonality of not having adequate snow for sports, so we have been discussing what the next few months will look like. For some reason, my W feels like she is at the end of her "time" away to work on issues. I on the other hand have not put any time frame in place or said if this doesn't happen than this will. I'm not certain what she is referring to, but really don't feel like it is my place to ask qualifying questions to better understand. I've really applied the db principles and the 37 steps effectively over the last few weeks and haven't had any hiccups.
I can see that inside she is really torn up and confused with everything that is happening so I see no point in adding to the turmoil. She did ask if she could move back and I had told her that we could discuss it, but I was unwilling to yesterday. To which she became angry, but I left the room and completely ignored the small tantrum that pursued. After a while I told her that we could discuss it Sat when we were both off from work and could commit some time to the discussion. At this point, I really do not think much has been resolved internally with her and I'm not willing to have her move back in and then have our S and I experience more of the same old situation that has been occurring. I just don't know how to put this into words that will not anger or upset her. I also am not certain that if push came to shove I would have any way to prevent her from moving back in. Any advice would be appreciated.
I just don't know how to put this into words that will not anger or upset her. I also am not certain that if push came to shove I would have any way to prevent her from moving back in.
You must look at this as a boundary to protect you and S. Not to avoid upsetting her.
If she is engaging in bad behavior then there should be boundaries. And consequences.
There is a difference to angering her and upsetting her by you being selfish, controlling or spiteful.
And
Protecting yourself with boundaries. Of course she will be angry when confronted with a boundary.
Just be mindful of the purpose of your boundaries and that you communicate them and follow through with consequences.
They should not have any other purpose than to protect you from harmful behavior.
Lost you are not going to understand the reasons for her choices right now. She is trying to deal with a sh!tstorm going inside her that is the result of her childhood trauma.
She knows she is hurting you and your son and you are a constant reminder of that. There is nothing you can do about it until she decides to deal with her crisis.
You will see her vascillate between guilt and wanting to be around you and son it is a crazy cycle of confusion which is why we say get out of the way.
Remove yourself from that storm. You can do no good there.
Protect yourself and your son. I know its hard but try to stop watching your W. Just let her be and keep focusing on your goals.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
You will see her vascillate between guilt and wanting to be around you and son it is a crazy cycle of confusion which is why we say get out of the way.
Getting out of the way has been difficult....ie the tantrums and what not. I have been utilizing the db steps, but I am still trying to watch (read) her non-verbal clues that I have grown accustomed to over the last 15 years.
Journaling a bit, but please review and share thoughts if you could...
This morning I was bringing our S (he's 5) to school. On the way there he became upset and told me that mom was suppose to bring him. I was unaware of this, but changed the subject and talked to him about what was planned for school today. After dropping him off I text the W and asked her if she had told him she would be taking him. She replied that she did or said she "might". I let her know that he was pretty upset about it and that if she said she was going to I felt that she should. She then called and was pretty irate. Saying that plans change and he should get use to it. Also that I don't have to share with her the things he is upset about.
My question is should I have shared it or not? I think it's important to keep his feelings first and share these things when they come up. It was not intended to hurt her feelings or guilt her. But I believe if she says she is going to do something that involves him she should stick to it.
IMO the WAS is often in a period of self centeredness or self focus. They often perceive even the most pedestrian comment as an accusation or persecution. This is why it is often best to withdraw as much as possible from the equation.
I realize this is impossible when there are children involved. They are affected by far more than we may be willing to acknowledge. Shielding them from everything is impossible. The best we can do is being supportive and minimize the negative impact from our actions. Own your actions, and allow her to own hers.
A couple of things I have learned over the years are to pick your battles and fight only those battles you believe you can win. It is often counterproductive for the LBS to point out where the WAS failed. It is better if the WAS feels the sting of failure on their own
You had taken care of your son getting him to school. You showed him support and helped him move past his initial disappointment, all good things.
Where it fell apart was when you informed her. At that point you could have been perceived as rescuing him by persecuting her. She may already have her defenses up and perceive any communication from you as an attack. In that instance she is more likely to react with a counter attack of her own.
Others may disagree and you may not like this. Support you son. Permit her to perceive her own short comings on her own.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Where it fell apart was when you informed her. At that point you could have been perceived as rescuing him by persecuting her. She may already have her defenses up and perceive any communication from you as an attack. In that instance she is more likely to react with a counter attack of her own.
I think you may have explained her thought process well. There certainly was a counter attack and her defenses are on high alert with everyone, including me. Thank you for the feedback JustStunned
In other news my tourney bracket fell apart the last two nights.
I've been informed that tomorrow my W would like to have a conversation about our situation. She asked if we could meet tomorrow for lunch and I agreed. She asked if I liked to know what we would be speaking about and I told her we could discuss it tomorrow, but if she felt it was important enough to meet and talk about I would be there.
Not really sure what direction this is going to lead me in, but either way I'm certain it will be for the better. Been exercising, hanging out with friends, and focusing on our S.
Been a while since my last post....we met for lunch. The W asked if it would be alright if she started to stay at the house occasionally and ease her way back into our relationship & her relationship with our S too. I agreed, but did establish some parameters with her. I asked that the each week be planned out in advance so we all knew the days she would be here and wouldn't be. I also informed her that I was unwilling to go back to our previous relationship/marriage that existed prior to her leaving the house. I felt that it was unhealthy for me and also for our S.
I also visited a psychologist who specializes in trauma & abuse. She has extensive experience with men & women who were abused as children and experience with the spouse of men & women who were abused as children. This has been helpful for me as we work through my feelings related to the separation, but also understanding some of her erratic behavior. TG has been posting on my sitch about the storm going on inside. One statement by the psychologist has really struck a chord with me is that "you must understand that even if your wife married another man she would be experiencing this exact same crisis in her life. You must realize that you didn't do this to her and you also can't fix it for her." Wow....I heard that from someone on here....Thanks Truegritter!
In the meantime I have continued to exercise and really look great. I think I may be in better shape than when I was in high school. My buddies and I planned a fishing trip for the middle of April that I'm looking forward to. I've continued to read and educate myself on my current situation and really am starting to feel like regardless of what happens I will be a better person, but more importantly a better partner if my W decides to continue to work on our M. I confess though that I look at my W and my heart still yearns for her love & friendship. But my mind reminds me that the internal conflict brewing inside her prevents our M, me, and our S as being a priority. Patience. Just need patience.
