I've getting the sense that we have something against introverts here! Ha-ha!
In all seriousness, you have a point about me being passive about certain things, especially the legal portion of this whole situation. It's only because I keep getting mix signals from my wife.
One moment she's filing for divorce (and asks for alimony and child support), then she completely backs off the idea (as far as I know). One week she could be angry and resentful, one week she might be mellow-ish and pleasant. One week she might look absolute and strong, one week she might look sad. Trust little of what you see or hear, right. Well, which is which, then?
Every day I'm filled with questions: Why is my wife NOT divorcing me now? She can be done with me for good (relationship-wise, anyway), and considering her move to SC will benefit from the child support and alimony. Or perhaps she doesn't have the time, because at the end of it all, her profession/studies always comes (and came) first. Or maybe she's repeating her familial pattern - breaking off contact with someone, and deal with it at her own time. After all, she did the same with her parents (she got back with them - and her brother/sister only because of the separation, otherwise it would've gone on indefinitely); she also made amends with her step-grandparents back in TX, only because she was leaving Abilene for good).
If I'm not sure of myself of what to do, you are absolutely right. I've been trying to balance passivity (or more accurately in my view, pacifism) with self-preservation. Right now, I don't have her interest in mind...she lost that privilege.
Which brings me to my changes. It's not impossible, but my porn recovery is not something, say, my wife can look at me on the surface and tell that I've changed. Porn is such a secretive and hidden vice that you/she needs to actually be close IN my life to know. When my wife finally left, it really made me look at myself and sparked in me a need for rapid change NOW. I sought counselling, became transparent about it with my entire church, family and friends, had an accountability partner, setup stronger internet/media deterrents, joined porn recovery groups/forums, read books, prayed HARD and reconnected with God (probably the most important part of it all) and, though it's not a usual practice even among porn recovery, I abstained from masturbating (I'm on target to be 365-day free!). Lying always tied in with porn; there no real self-indicator for that, but I do know that when I used to lie to my wife to cover or hide or be sneaky, I'd be filled with guilt. I don't feel that anymore, and it's been a great release off my shoulders.
I've made better, deeper connection with friends (which I never did before during our marriage or ever, for that matter), become way less pessimistic/negative and more humble about life or people, got back in shape and took pride in my appearance, excelled in work and play, changed my wardrobe, took up more spontaneous and outdoor activities (something I haven't been doing as much lately), became more charitable, opened my house for Couch Surfers, I even grew my hair out (I've had a buzz cut since I was 12), etc.
And speaking of excelling in work -- I've always been the passive one, not looking at the big picture. I would get the job done well, but never looking truly forward. I would follow the leader/boss/company to the ends of the earth, even at the expense of being screwed over (such as being looked over for a promotion, etc). So part of my change has been to be great at work, but also seeing opportunities as well as taking pride in my self as an employee for once. When I started with the corporate office of Robert Half early 2011, I made great strides in my work quality, was hired as a full-time after a month (I came in as a contractor), was nominated for two of their annual work excellence awards, BUT I started to pick up on the environment and people around me and I started to realize that this place was too cold, surgical and corporate-y for my blood. For those of you who've been here, you know what I'm talking about. Now the old me would've just stuck with it, if not just for the salary, but I took a chance and started looking forward. The job market was picking up, so I took a leap of faith and left after 9-months when things within the team/department (not related to me) started to heat up.
I knew my wife would see this in a negative light, but I did it for MYSELF. After a long absence, I have ambition again.
I will write me more, but before I go, I'll answer some of your questions, 25:
- My wife and I met in Malaysia; she was on a mission trip and one of the churches she visited was the one my dad preaches in. We hit it off right away and had a long-distance relationship for 1.5 years. She came to spend the summer once in-between that before I came to the US end of 2003. We were married in 12/2004.
- We both graduated in 2006, but stayed for another year while she applied to medical schools. She got accepted to Touro in the DO program in North Bay CA, and so we moved out here in mid 2007.
- I was a quality/production engineer for 5 years before I came Stateside. I had not planned to move to the States so soon. I had told my wife (then girlfriend) when we were dating long-distance that I wanted to work and save a little more before moving anywhere. I was also talking about going to Germany/France to pursue my education and suggested she came too. She was adamant about staying in small-town Abilene TX. She also said she really wanted me there with her, and being in love sure made jumping in after her NOW a snap decision!
- Moving to small-town TX with probably 1 production plant AND a student visa meant that I couldn't continue what I was good at. It was somewhat fresh after 9-11, so Malaysia was black-listed as a Muslim country. The only way I could get in was via a student visa (which is why I was only able to work as a waiter at the Chinese restaurant, for example). Even then, I was rejected one before I was accepted the second time. I was able to obtain a Green Card in 2006 (and I was able to get a job as a service advisor at a Honda dealership). By the time we moved to California in 2007, the economy (and manufacturing in general) was down the tubes, and even if it wasn't, all my engineering certifications had expired. AND even if they weren't expired, the certification standards here are completely different from the ones I obtained in Asia, so it was either I start from scratch education-wise. Believe me, I naively applied from my time in TX till CA and 95% of the employers turned me down due to my "unrecognized" qualifications. That said, I went back to school in TX to obtain a Psychology degree to pursue my dream as an organizational psychologist, so I thankfully I was able to get my foot in the door of that industry.
- My mistake, my parents actually came for 2.5 months. They spent part of it here and part of it with my sister in TX. I later came to realize that even that was long a time to spend under one roof. But I understand (and come from) a cultural perspective where the parents (especially the mom) would wait - as in, a waiter - on the post-natal wife for a month or so. She'd cook special meals and take care of the house/baby when my wife needed to rest/sleep. In hindsight, I could've balanced both alone time with mom/dad/baby and the benefits of having my parents around to help.
- I was able to move and pay for the deposit/1st month's rent to a smaller house in 2011 because the landlords of our previous home knew of our situation and was kind enough to give me the (rather large) initial deposit back in advance 2 weeks before I moved out. Because of that, I was also just able to pay for a 1-hour consultation with my then future lawyer.
Did I miss anything else?
All in all, as a person and father, I feel awesome. Of course, like many of us here, we could use without all this "junk" that's going on around us. It holds me back, makes me second-guess myself sometimes and is stifling.
