MC says to call it quits

[Accuray]

What does it say about responding to W's pursuit? When you always respond, it seems to me that the result might be to give her exactly as much space as she wants rather than more, while more seems to be what is called for.

The book doesn't give much advice about what to do when the distancer starts pursuing. It's really written for a more extreme case where the pursuer is extremely frustrated and ready to be a WAS, probably another take on the LRT.

I don't think I'm giving her exactly as much space as she wants. The book points out that the distancer wants more from the relationship than they're willing to contribute. If she wants to be at a "6" she probably wants me at a "8" in terms of intimacy. Now that I've dropped to 6 she's dropped to 4 and is feeling like there's not enough, but she doesn't seem to ever want to be more intimate than I am.

Doing *something* feels better than hoping, and I do think I'll be able to figure it out eventually.

My sister and her husband do little together, sleep in different rooms, and are very happy and loving in their way.

Yes, when both people are aligned there is no issue. MC said that your distance preference will fluctuate, and if the fluctuation has enough overlap you won't even notice that there's a difference, so you don't have to match exactly. When you're significantly different (which we are), then it's more of a challenge. I could not live in the scenario you describe above, I would not feel loving with that degree of separation.

Have you thought about what needs you can get met outside the m?...Find the other things and don't depend only on w to meet all your emotional needs. No one can do that.

Yes, when I told you that our marriage wasn't bad before the bomb, I meant it even though you found it hard to believe. I was able to do what you're suggesting here, I found other ways to meet my needs through GAL type activities, other friendships etc. I found happiness there and I was getting "just enough" from W and she wasn't complaining. Turns out she was burning up inside and eventually blew.

After all the pain and turmoil, what I want now is different -- if we're just going to go back to what I was doing before, then why did I go through all this pain just to have that?

That's something I'm wrestling with now, because it feels like we're heading right back to where we were, although with a big slice of self-awareness that was missing before.

Passionate Marriage talks about the fact that you establish an equilibrium in your relationship for a reason, it's a reflection of who the two people are. W said the equilibrium wasn't working for her and set out to find something different with someone else. It seems like our prior dynamic has a strong pull for her.

Maybe she's grown through this experience and what we had before will now be OK, maybe she won't get another affair opportunity and I won't have to worry about it, or maybe she'll eventually want more intimacy -- that is not something I can count on or even hope for.

I definitely feel she got some "be careful what you ask for because you might get it". When I introduced a more intimate, passionate marriage she decided she didn't like it, but I found that I did.

Accuray