1: My own journal 2: Hopefully as a source of hope in your journey through dark times.
It has been a while since i visited these forums and my old friends. I was on vacation for a month visiting my parents and family in India.
This vacation carried an emotional importance as it was during my 2011 visit to see my parents was when my wife filed for D and called me to tell me about it on the same day that my grandfather passed away. I feel that you don't need to die and experience hell. what i went through in 2011 was the real hell. I don't think anything can beat that. Thanks so much to this forum and the fine folks here, I learnt to stand up, live and thrive. I took this time to work on myself. There were lots of downs and few ups, but i pushed harder to identify my shortcomings and work on them...
Fast-forward to my trip. I should say i am glad i took it. Nothing i planned for my trip went right. Soon after i landed my dad had to be admitted to the hospital, fearing heart problems. I spent most of my vacation with him in the hospital and running around to take care of his business there. Then i tried to salvage my rest of the time and visited family and returned back. All my plans for my trekking trips: canceled. But this trip i will always remember and cherish, why?: Because for the first time in my life i felt in control, calm and mature. That i have reached a point where i can handle cr@p. Because during my trip in India, I also was in touch with my wife making sure she is emotionally okay. When she had dark days, i calmed her down over the phone. I am so proud of myself having gotten this far.
The future is never written. It is what we make it. The only thing i can do is to try. Then even if things did not work out, I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that i gave it my best.
I should say that our R is going ok. This last year has taught me never to get complacent or too excited. But i can see us being ok. We still have a long way to go to recognize, understand and respect each other, but i feel that it can be done. My W is now seeing her own counselor so she can recognize her issues and deal with them. It is too early but i do see some good signs. From my side I told her that I'll wait for her and be there for her as her friend as she goes through this journey. That she is not alone and i am in this for the long haul with her.
For now all i am trying to do is still work on myself and take one babystep at a time with her. Gotta see how that goes...
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
MK, it sounds like you are in a pretty good place. Glad to hear it! You've definitely come a long way. Sounds like the best prescription for you is to stay the course if you have enough patience to do so. Keep growing.
It has been a long time since i posted to my sitch. I guess when things 'seem' to be going good, i got lazy.
Friends, i am looking for a little outside perspective here if possible.
So we were at a stage where wife said she'd come back and we were just trying to sort of re-establish our R again. We talk on the phone everyday and even flirt a bit. Things were good...
My wife goes to this T for herself that she loves. He's not in the medical network, but she felt she was helped. And she's paying for it. I was glad that she's getting help for herself.
For me, i found group settings much helpful. So i go to lot of group meetings to find help. And they have helped me.
Lately wife has been telling me that her T said he could see us both. I did bring up the issue that then he would be her IC and our MC and how that would work out. She said that he could manage it. I was not too sure. But that topic did not come up again and things were good.
Today she calls me excitedly that her T agreed to skype with me during a session with her. See i told her that i would not be to able to attend his sessions as they were on weekdays and right now i dont get off on weekdays. Traveling 210miles on weekdays was not possible for me. So the moment she told me about the skype thing, I thought that i should encourage the thought. So i talked to her about the logistics and told her that i would be okay to skype. But i told her that i will decide about him only after the first session. I also said that in future i might help us to look for someone in network for us in MC when wife comes back to our town.
W seemed off on the phone and so i asked her if something was bothering her. Then she began to say that i am hesitant about her T. I told her that if i was, i would not be agreeing to the skype thingy. Then she went back to the theme that she felt that she was doing more toward rebuilding that relationship than i was. That she was being more enthusiastic. I told her that i am trying to do my part too. By being calm, strong and working on myself to not have immature reactions with her. This also dredged up past bad feelings where she always felt that she was the ONE carrying the burden. So she felt trapped and finally filed for D. So my heart started racing. I knew at that point that i would not be able to have a normal convo with her. So i told her that i'd have to talk to her later because my heart was racing. She hung up. I then texted her that i too am trying to bridge the relationship from my side. That if she starts feeling that she is the only one working for the R, then we are on the same boat as last year when she filed.
People, i'd like some feedback. Did i handle this convo wrong. Could i have done better?
I had some reservations about her T and so i put it out there. Should i have just been quiet and gone to the T and not said anything? My heart tells me that if i do that, Then i am back to walking on eggshells.
Help!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
MK, I think you have every right to be hesitant about her T. You don't know anything about her T. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving her T a try, though.
Admittedly, I am no expert. However, I don't think there's anything wrong with telling her straight up that you DO have reservations about her T because you don't know anything about him. You have to try and evaluate for yourself. I think ultimately the two of you have to whole-heartedly agree on the same T to be successful.
I don't know that she needed to know your heart was racing. IMO, you weren't wrong for ending the conversation because you weren't in the best place at the time, though.
Again, just MVHO. I am no expert or I wouldn't be here, would I?
The more i look at it, I think i handled it ok. But over the years it has become so bad that i am second guessing myself everytime. I want to reach a point where i am confident about the way i handle a situation. It has been getting better, but there are times like this.
I never push any of my meetups or any activities i do to get better on my W. But somehow i had this uneasy feeling that she was pushing her IC on me. I tried to take that in stride, but i guess it was not good enough.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I am okay with my wife leading. I guess thats why i am willing to try out her IC with an open mind. But what i was not okay was the immediate feeling she started having that she's having to do all the hard work. That sets off red flags for me because in the past i did not recognize this in my wife and i let this affect me immensely, driving me to depression. I cannot change how she feels. But i am bothered that she again feels this way. This makes me think as to what progress has she made?. I know that makes me sound arrogant. But my fear is that once we get back what if she pushes something on me and if i dont follow it, she gets this feeling of "Iam doing everything and he's not". Just last week when i was gossiping to her about my lack of exercise, she started trying to tell me how to schedule my time etc. I had tell her that while i appreciated her concern for me, i'd rather figure that schedule myself. But even after telling her that, i had this nagging feeling whether she was hurt because of what i said. I decided not mull on that because i can do nothing if she decides to worry about it.
I guess now i am recognizing some of these traits in my wife and it worries me. In the past i was so scared that she would leave me and abandon me that i never bothered to look at them nor talk to her about them.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I haven't read your sitch, sorry, but it sounds like you really would benefit from MC together, so you have an objective "referee" to help you communicate safely with each other.
She feels threatened or upset by you simply having a thought other than full support for her plan, and so she needs to learn better how to hear you without feeling emotionally attached to a specific outcome. You were really vulnerable with expressing your exact feelings to her and really smart for postponing the talk, but she may just not be used to hearing such vulnerability and took it as a criticism of her idea. A MC could help you work that out so it's perfectly fine and no judgment on either person to discontinue a conversation and pick it up again later. It's actually a really healthy thing to do sometimes.
Depending on how things go with your meeting the T, you might try being more open to her plan, since you're both motivated to work on the R and she thinks the T is special. If you don't feel that connection or like the way it's working for you, you'll have at least given it the respect of a try and that may get you more willness for her to try a compromise next.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
