WAW close to moving out, please help

[labug]

Then don't let her push your buttons. Take a deep breath and tell yourself you won't react to everything she does or says. There is no need.

I guess what bothered me so much was is that she "should" know its going to be so difficult for our kids and is going to ruin us financially.

What makes you think she doesn't know this?

[Accuray]

Agreed with Labug, she knows all that.

Leaving a long term relationship is scary and painful. She has agonized over it for months. For her, the pain of staying eventually exceeded the pain of leaving.

She knows leaving will be painful, she knows about the impact to the kids and finances. She will minimize that now because acknowledging it doesn't help her case.

Pounding on that point isn't going to help. Staying for that reason will make her feel trapped. If she told you she would stay for the kids and for financial reasons only but doesn't love you would you want that?

Her lawyer will I'm sure also make the financial implications clear.

There are positive and negative motivations for staying. Negative motivations are avoiding financial problems, avoiding being lonely, staying for the kids, etc. You do those things to avoid pain versus enjoy benefits.

Positive motivations would be a fulfilling emotional connection, emotional support, a fulfilling sex life, a partner in parenting, etc

You want to focus on providing the positives (or showing you are capable of providing them if she will engage). I would avoid trying to use the negatives as leverage. She agonized over that for months you can be sure.

Accuray

[cdavis]

Thanks! You have both been so much help! I think I know path to take now. I've been calm, positive, and supportive for a couple days now. Wish I would came here for advise sooner!

[Accuray]

Awesome, remember, you can't seem like a cat waiting to pounce either. To the degree she believes you are going to be OK regardless of the outcome, and that you are making yourself happy and being the best you possible, you will have a greater chance of reconciliation.

Remember, self confidence and self sufficiency are attractive. Model that. Treat her as you would someone you wanted to date -- you wouldn't appear needy or codependent in that type of circumstance and that's exactly what you need to project now.

If she believes you're there for the taking, she's less motivated to do any introspection. When she believes that you just might move on without her, that's when she'll start to think.

That's not to say "be a jerk and move out", do your 180's, be a great father, contribute around the house, but don't let your affection or commitment level be taken for granted.

Accuray

[Crimson]

CD -

Just thought I would chime in here since our respective situations have some similarities and I am much further down the road (feel free to take some time to review my threads).

First off, let there be no mistake - where you are at right now blows. But it CAN get better.

I would stongly advocate taking some of the complaints that your w articulated to you and really, really take a long hard look at them. Not just "I've gotten better at this or that" - but really try to see things from her perspective. Typically, we tend to jump so quickly into defensive mode that we never entertain the notion of "hmmm, what is she's RIGHT about what she thinks of me?". Once I did that it blew my eyes wide open and allowed me to connect the dots as to how my w arrived where she did.....prior to that I was so interested in being right that I never took the time to entertain being wrong.

Look at each and every complaint - whether you agree with it or not and try to find HOW that complaint manifested itself in your relationship and then find how you can 180 it. Then LIVE those 180s. I literally wrote down all of this ^^^^^ complaint by complaint and I FREQUENTLY revist it to help me keep focus.

I know you have heard this a bunch of times now, but the notion of 1-3 weeks is a pipe dream. It took a long time to get here, it will take some time to get out. Focus on you, find things you like to do...and then find some new ones. Make time with friends (HEALTHY friends - not manwhores that will lead you down the wrong path). Keep yourself as upbeat and postive as you can around your w AT ALL TIMES - even though you feel like you are withering away inside you HAVE to present at 100% happy and OK. Keep your life kind of mysterious...make her wonder what you are doing. And she will.....my W sure did. I didn't think she was, but we have since talked and it's clear that it was on her mind.

Don't talk about divorce, reltionship, custody and other matters if you don't have to. If she brings it up stay fact-based and unemotional as you can (quite a tall order, I know). Live your life as if you have already moved on or have made peace with what is going on. Pull back, give space, explore yourself, explore her points of dissatisfaction in the M, and work on your 180's.

Also, don't fear your W moving out. Oddly enough, that was one of the best things that happened to me. It allowed be to relax at home and be free of the tension - sure, I missed her - but the way we were living was neither healthy nor sustainable.

Give everything I said above time! That is key - at least it was for me. And finally, I will leave you with this:

You. Can. Not. Change. Her. At all. Period. Ever. All you can do is work on you FOR you after you acknowledge and embrace your shortcomings. It has been said here that realtionships are dynamic....comprised of two people. If one person changes then the relationship changes by definition - either for the better or for the worse. Spending time worrying about her mental/physical health is a brutal road to nowhere.

Hope this helps.

Crimson

[cdavis]

the notion of 1-3 weeks is a pipe dream.

I know this is true... but the reality is unless something changes soon that is all the time to be had. She wants to be out like yesterday. I know she will take the kids. If she takes the kids I will be court the next day suing her for custody. I think it will be beyond repair at that point. She has the notion that I will use custody as a tool to keep her, when I really just have to do what is the best interest of the children. If I let her go with the kids I hurt my custody case.

All the advise is awesome by the way, if she would move out and split kids it would be fine. But she hired an attorney, so it forces the situation, you have a settlement agreement (she is not going to like anything I agree to), or she moves out w kids and I have to go after a at-fault divorce and custody. Otherwise I think she would get strait mentally over time and give us a chance.

CD

[cdavis]

I should mention... we have generally not had many disagreements over time but one time she did get made and leave w/kids. I don't remember the reason other than being something silly or frustration. She attempted to go to her parents house. There was a storm, lights went out, kids screaming to go home, and her car was stuck in their garage b/c of lack of power. She called me. I went by and opened the garage door manually and she came home. Never seemed to be a big deal after that.

The DRUGS are a big deal. They were to mellow her out and she is def having withdraw and trouble without them. But I pretty much can't mention them. I think its just best to not mention them right?

[Crimson]

Umm, yeah - DO NOT mention them.

If you have to take steps legally to assure your time with your children over the short term, do so - get it out of the way. I had to, and yes - it s*cked, and we both got hurt, and we both got angry. But once the agreement is done - it's done. End of story.

I don't know the laws of your state, but unless you pose some kind of plausible risk or danger to your children or could otherwise be proved an "unfit" parent I would guess that you will have as much access to them as she would.

Her wanting to be gone like "yesterday" is a pretty common theme with most WAW scenarios I have read here. My w could not WAIT to get out of this house and she was not afraid to let me know that in arguments. Let her out, figure out the time with the kids,mourn appropriately - it's natural, and then GET TO WORK ON YOURSELF!!! Don't constrain yourself with a 1-3 week timeframe . You have got a long, long way to go. Straighten up, get your head right and prepare. Chin up and go live. I have done this the wrong way and I have done it the way I am suggesting to you. Care to guess which resulted in me having contact with my W again?

Crimson

[25yearsmlc]

Does she have a history of psychiatric issues?

Have you called her mentally ill?

Sleeping a lot, paranoia are concerning.

I don't think I have a option now other than to be supportive when I can, always nice and calm, and try to protect my kids and myself legally.

This is always a good stance.

I tried to bring it up delicately. We've talked a bit... I told her she seemed to change when she went from taking anti-depressants to another class of meds (its for joint paints but depression and mood swings are on the symptom list). I tried to dance around it.

are you an MD? Why are you diagnosing her? You don't seem to get how insulting this is to her. And how she must want to flee your presence. IT does not come across as loving to me.

It looks manipulative, and as if you want to make this about her being crazy

as opposed to her being an overburdened wife w/3 kids, & a husband who describes her as "having aged" faster than him, but doesn't ask WHY that would be or try to help....

and who says he's "better than 75% of men out there" but admits it's tough to have all the kids at once, (which she of course, does ALL the time)...


She has prescripted meds from a physc nurse practitioner relative (which I think is inappropriate). That person will not answer my calls (called twice)...

of course she would not call you back. She would be violating your w's privacy and breaking a law by discussing her treatment with you. Period. Oh and btw, 90% of women on anti-depressants have h's whom they describe as "Critical."


and sent them text saying I was concerned for wife and wanted to discuss it with them... they called wife instead and she was pissed. That is the extent of it. She went from just " I don't love you and want to separate" to a lot of anger, hate, and now paranoia.


so you never picked up on how unhappy your wife was until right then? Never?

Also there is the possibly that wife is getting off anti-depressants because she knows it will be a custody issue... and getting off them is causing her to go downhill mentally.

CD

I doubt her anti-depressants would be a custody issue, b/c guess what?

If you believe she's not mentally fit to take care of the kids, why'd you leave her with them all these years? You can't have it both ways.

I think you are missing a real opportunity here.

A chance to change your life and improve your marriage.

Your w sounds very sad, overworked, vastly under appreciated, with low self esteem...she is desparate to be happy. I think the kissing of OW which your w's friend witnessed, was very destructive. I'm shocked you don't think it was a big deal. Another dagger to her ego I'm sure.

You want to make her wrong and crazy and tell yourself you're a great guy.

Dig deeper. Be a man only a fool would leave. Turn things around by changing YOU.

B/c here is the thing...

your wife will only want to reconcile with you if she believes

marriage to you can be better/different than before.

So how are YOU showing that you are different now?

you are all you control anyhow, so see that as empowering. And get a realistic time line of how much this will take to effectively change the m.

Your "3 weeks" made me slap my forehead. Um, they say a month for every year of marriage is what it will take for her to believe in your changes...so a good year of changes and improvements are reasonable to expect. Not weeks...many months...

but I don't know what changes you are making. ANY 180s?

Have you gotten some counselling to see what you can work on to improve yourself?

Like I said, dig deeper, or you'll be missing the best chance for really evolving into the man you were meant to become. A man your children are watching...

[25yearsmlc]

ps

I also think your wife MAY have real medical problems but you are quite vague about them. Does she have a definite diagnosis?