Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - It's A Choice

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone for your support.

@ KG - Absolutely I am trying to control the situation. I don't trust my w and it scares me that she hasn't cashed it yet...

what is scary about that? Be specific.

It's all part of me trying to protect myself... which it always seems to come back to that.

Journal

I've been trying to write an entry for a few days. ---. other than my one year since my separation is drawing near.

In some ways I feel that I am at constant battle with myself.

In alot of ways I fight really hard to love my wife. Every decision I make, I spend the time feeling, praying, checking my heart.. have the tough conversations.. waking up forgiving.. and trying to want what's best for her.

Why are you doing this?^^^ You are not married to her.

It's not your job to "fight hard to love" someone who has left your life.

"Every decision" you make is trying to want what's best for HER? Why on earth are YOU doing that?

Val, please do as the airlines say and Put the Oxygen mask on YOUR face first, and THEN take care of others after you first have cared for yourself enough...


In alot of ways I am really angry at her. Not about the divorce as much as she lied to me about being in each other's lives. Angry that I am so d@mn scared of her.

what is this fear you refer to so often? IS she stalking you? Or is it all past events? Or your fear of truly letting go or what?

you did meet early in life so it can be weird to realize you may need another mate or have no mate. We can relate.

I am angry about the emotional abuse. I am angry about the verbal abuse.

So the two sides fight with each other. The loving Val gets upset with the Angry Val because I have a hard time accepting her good behavior. I always feel like she is manipulating or baiting me.


b/c you are now cynical or assume the worst of her? Does this help you in any way? Does fearing and negating her motives actually protect you

or do you tell yourself that, b/c it helps you to have low expectations?

Can you see that maybe you can accept her good behaviors AND NOT learn to expect more,

but just to welcome the good you do get, and not be disappointed by not getting more?

The loving Val gets upset because even though I try and I pray really hard for her to get better... there is this part of me that thinks "So finally I can be treated better" vs. just wanting her to get better because I love her.. regardless of what that means for me.


if it's the former, then you are making the "prayers for her" really all about what YOU will get from her improvements...and that's not really what you want to be praying for is it? Wouldn't a more direct prayer be "Dear God, make her love me"??
I sense your struggle but think it's overdue for a toss in the garbage.

Enough about HER...seriously...

how about you "GAL the sh!! out of the weekend coming"??

The angry Val gets upset with me because I continue to love someone who doesn't really show me love back. That I push myself and ask those hard questions for someone.. that doesn't really seem to give a damn.

then stop asking. She knows how to use fingers to dial a phone or drive her car. She knows how to reach you.

Val I am not saying she's never returning.

I'm saying that I see nothing left for you "to do" vis a vis HER...you can feel and wonder, if you want to.

You can GAL and learn and improve and move forward AND IF she finds you, then you can visit these subjects or pose the hard questions

but isn't most of this moot, if she's effectively out of your life?



I think Angry Val believes that if I would just stay angry and say "fvck her".. I would move on...

..and in some ways.. she may be right.

The constant battle has me exhausted. Lately I just don't want anything to do with it.

I neither want to fight so hard to love my w, nor do I want to fight to be angry at her.

I don't hate her but I don't really want to love as much as I do either.


both emotions take huge amounts of energy. Hence the desire for detachment.


I know I shouldn't run and I know how beneficial the high road is....

...... but sometimes I wonder if it's actually the high road.

.... I wonder if I spend so much time loving her so I can say I did my best.


been there, done that.


.. I wonder that I say there is something wrong with her because the simple fact that she doesn't love me.. just hurts too damn much

been there, done that^^^add into it a few "WTH didn't I 'get it' way faster?"

.... I wonder if I have DBed to the best of my abilities.

we ALL wonder this^^^...and when we finally lay our heads down

we have to know that we did... IF you had the choice (and you do) to stop DBing early to move on faster OR

to stand a bit too long, just to be sure you had not quit too early,

which would you prefer?

... I wonder if I tried everything.

ah, universal question for all serious DBers is whether we have covered ALL our bases.

I made that point telling my new mc that it was my basic approach b/c the first 2-3 mc's made it clear they believed my h was "wrong" and "being selfish" and "acting like a single man"...which made me

"right, but powerless..." What do you DO with that?

It was DBing that got me to think I could change something IN ME, b/c even if I wasn't effin' the marriage, I sure was way too angry to be helping it...

So when my new mc saw the DBing approach and knew I would not stay married, at all costs, but just that

I really had to know 5 decades from now,

that IF I did right by me, my children and my vows, that regardless of outcome, that is how I would feel happiest...Happiness from doing right by those we love is a good worthy goal. And a lot of good things happened.

I feel you have checked the boxes for the most part

But yet here you linger...what is it? What's the fear? What's the fight really about?

.... and I wonder why if I am so ready to move on, that I want to keep fighting for her. When in fact, I am being forced to move on.. and I hate it.



when a choice is made for us, even if it's the right choice, it's hard to see that ---

because it was NOT our choice...

... and most of all I wonder if all my wonders is my codependency talking or if there some part of me that is healthy in there.

I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of doing battle.

I feel like I know exactly who I want to be in life.. but my toxic dynamic with her makes it feel impossible to be that person to her...

Because as much as I want to just love ME, and create a healthy ME.. it means dealing with HER...

... and I am questioning my strength.

why MUST you deal with her? The checks can go in automatically or be mailed...why MUST you see her at all now?

... I am questioning God.

I'm rambling and I'm sure I sound like a crazy person.. but that is what is in my head.

Fun stuff ain't it??