The Climb - Thread #6

[25yearsmlc]

Denver/Navy

Just my quick uptake okay, so of course I could be way off...but in Navy's situation he's NOT done many bad things. Maybe I missed something in Navy's past, but if I recall it right,

We're talking Navy's "failures" as "too much computer" and 'Not enough help at home or w/the kids"..... which ended I think 3 YEARS ago... Denver, no offense buddy, but Navy doesn't have a lot of blemishes on his h record...

Since Navy's wife has gone inward, she decided Navy's to blame or SEEMS TO be, for "abuse" she got as a kid, or thinks she got. Every bad thing done by MEN TO HER, or as she sees it, is somehow combined in one pile and Navy is the scapegoat for it....as well as

anything else unfair in her life, which she says she hates.. b/c her life sukks" etc/

when I read comments like that, from a mother with healthy children, I know it's not Navy...it's her...

She Lumps it all in together placing Navy in a real SOB/jerk's position,

in the "all men are alike AND are abusive or exploitive" and it's patently unfair to him.

She's made NO progress toward forgiving or letting go.

She actively seeks out validation for her anger even now....So I fear that even if he totally changed, imo, she is not interested...

and Denver, she didn't say any of the positive loving things your w has said, when there was some positive movement in your sitch. Navy's wife has offered, at best, to co-parent under one roof

AND to be miserable while she's at it AND

to treat him like crap too...so i don't see how it's a decent deal even for the kids, let alone Navy...(or his wife for that matter.

She sounds terribly miserable, but is like someone circling the drain and taking those near her, down with her.)

Those are big differences between the situations to me.

But I know you both have been in limbo for a long time. And that does sukk. And you have both dug deep and made REAL changes in yourselves as men and partners. Someday a woman will find you, and feel blessed.

NavyGuy,

Starting to read through your threads again.

I know you are getting tired from the (apparent) lack of progress, but stop trying to talk her out of her feelings/convince her that she should not resent you.

Let her resent you all she wants. The issue is whether or not you allow yourself to be subjected to acts of resentment. That's your choice.


DITTO to THIS^^^Navy

If she is to stop resenting you and choose to get over her hurt (or come to you saying she wants to work with you on getting over her hurt), it will have to come from her.

If you are getting tired of her resenting you, the solution is not to tell her to stop resenting you or that she should have stopped resenting you by now. Telling her what she should be feeling or doing "by now" is a sure way to get her to keep resenting you.

I've been on Navy's thread a long time. This is an extreme case. I have seen no movement from her towards him in a real way.

All I recall is that she's blaming him for ALL her own issues and making no effort to work on them so she is voluntarily stuck and wants no one else to move forward either, I guess...

So they've been in limbo for YEARS now.. is it 3 years now? And Navy's pulling all his weight at work and at home and getting nothing back...

and the longer they are married the more benefits she accrues along with a higher % of his pension...not that it's the reason she's still there b/c she also has nowhere else to go...but I think she's biding her time.

And I think he's wasting his, albeit in an honorable effort for his kids.

Navy, what do you think your children see, when they see your m?

Would it be the worst thing in the world for them to see change? You making a choice to be happy anyway you can and that means without her, PROBABLY...

What if you found someone down the road, who loved & respected you and treated your kids like her own? And loved you well - so they could see that?

Those women exist Navy...

for the past 3 years your w has not been one of them.

Honestly Navy, with things as they have been for years now, I don't see your marriage substantively improving, do you?

What will it take for you to change this? Since she is fine being stuck in misery

she won't make a move to improve things. She would have by now and she hasn't.

I can only hope/pray that she might move towards you IF she feared losing you, maybe to some OW who would see you AND your kids in a loving way, and replace your w as the source of nurturing in the family...

b/c for awhile now, your w has been pretty self centered, and miserable oftenat least when you describe her...

So maybe that's what it would take for her to get off her butt and be in charge of her own life/happiness

and END the longest marital BLAME GAME I've seen in a long time...fearing the loss of you to OW....

IF you have one more round in you for DBing, that's all I can offer you. Fake Date or something...

if she confronts about it, you can "hypothecate" that in the event you were to date,

you want to reassure her that you'd "never have the kids meet OW... unless it was serious"


You are empowered in this, as much as you choose to be. Seriously.