taking the time to watch the wave

[BFloat]

sleep finally took over after all the crying. when i woke up.. my eyes were so puffy i could barely open them! i looked like a bee had stung both my eyes.

i had a chance to read the early morning posts before i left and i just have to say.. thank you. it meant so much to me because it felt so close to having someone put their arms around me and letting me just cry it all out. i found so much comfort and i had a lot to think about on my drive.

what was supposed to be a 6hr drive turned out to be a 10hr trip. stopped to walk around the toy department of walmart.. get groceries.. a little retail therapy at ross..

there were moments when the kids were asleep.. the tears would just stream down my face as i was racing down the highway. i felt so much pain.. anger.. frustration.. i kept hearing H's words to me and i was so hurt. and i thought about this.. i have been through adversities in the past but i never expected those people to protect me. in the past, i had been so hesitant in relationships because i never wanted to end up divorced like my parents (and their's was not an amicable one). so when i met H, i took a chance.. and trusted he would not hurt me.. and when he said what he did.. it was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me because i trusted him w/ my heart.

i spent some time praying on my drive.. telling God that i could not endure anymore... to please just make it over. up until today i had been praying to heal my relationship w/ H (whatever that may be) but today i just prayed to heal my heart. i felt maybe there was some justification for me to hurt.. but what had my kids done to deserve this?

there was a point when i was driving.. i was listening to il divo... looking up at the grey skies.. and just thought to myself.. there is so much beauty all around me. my tears changed from sadness to awe. in that moment, i felt like my life was so insignificant. that my situation was so minor compared to many others before me. yes i was hurting.. but i was here.. surrounded by beauty and knowing that my children were healthy and with me.

H had actually shown up this morning w/ his friend. my first thought.. was he scared to face me himself? he asked if i taken any chowder and i said no. i said i just wanted to go. didn't expect to hear from him at all. planning my LRT... H did end up txting (right when we walked through the door actually). said he was sorry yesterday ended in so much anger. he wanted the kids and i to have fun etc. i didn't answer back. i did have the kids call before bed just so he knew they were safe (i'm not a heartless b*)

tonight i am physically drained. i'm actually drifting off and it's taken me 5 mins to write that last sentence. oh.. drifted again.. time to call it a night..