Is this cake eating 5

[bustorama]

I still feel as I did in my posts from January and November to you. I know LRT is counter-intuitive and emotionally hard to implement, but it's your best path forward.

You WILL prevail (either in saving your M or in saving yourself) by accepting that your old M is dead and moving on (or at the very least acting as if you are moving on). I still feel that YOU should be the one imposing the financial and custodial separation upon him. Give him the overdue consequences of his choices.

If as a divorced woman you are ok with your ex stopping by to shuttle kids to and from activities, then I suppose let him. But in no way should it be about him or kibbutzing with him. I personally would not want an ex in my business so much. Might make it awkward when the ex meets my new lover.

(FROM 1/19 post below)

So this seems to be the nub of the problem.

If the only solution is to pull back from him, I think we will be on a quick slide to 'visitation' schedules for separate time with the kids. In other words, there will be little to no contact between us from then on, and H will get his 'fix' of being a Disney dad.

Where to go from here?

The nub of the problem is that you are still not accepting and validating and moving forward with your life (LRT-like) per his stated intention not to be with you. You are still trying to maximize contact between the two of you, inviting him to activities during your time with daughter, and trying to strategize the circumstances under which you can "win him back."

This approach is doomed to fail and is not DBing. In fact, your WAS pulling further away ("we don't want to give the kids the wrong impression") is evidence that the approach you are pursuing is not working and that the bond between the two of you is slipping away over time. He also is not calling you for coffee and other activities as frequently as he was back in October or spending as much time around the house. If YOU had dropped the bomb on HIM back in October ("yeah you're right, it's best for me if you don't come around anymore, I want to set up separate visitation and financial arrangements, so I can move on with my life," it would, at best, have been more effective than if you drop it on him now, and, at worst, you would be farther along in your life and the process of moving on from someone who doesn't know your value. Perhaps it is not too late.

Your sitch has not substantively improved since when I wrote the below to you in early November:

Try NOT to think about this from a strategic perspective ("will this or won't this bring him back") because then you are not emotionally detached from his choices, and you can get into a spiral of mind reading.

Instead, think whether or not the situation works for you. Are you OK with being treated as a faux-W at your ex-H's convenience? For a ex-H to come in and out of your emotional life at his whim and on his schedule? For an ex-H to occupy much of your daily emotional time -- when will there be time for you to heal and move on?

Because, in your WAH's mind, he is your ex-H at this time. If he was seeking rapproachment with you, or begins to say things like, I am glad we are getting along better now, I enjoy spending time with you more, I like being with YOU and the kids, I miss being with YOU, etc., then I would say to re-examine your doubts and keep things up. But from his words ('now that we are separated') and actions (sleeping away at night), he still sees you two as not a couple, separated, broken up, finished.

I wonder if your discomfort and annoyance at the situation is a sign that you are allowing your WAH to cross a boundary on how you want to be treated in your relationship with your H. If it bothers you, it is more than fine to communicate and enforce that boundary the next time he suggests coffee, drinks or another day together.

You know, H. I really enjoyed spending time with you when we were together, it was great. But, this situation isn't working for me. I mean, we're broken up, but you are here all the time during the day. Because we are separated and not living as a married couple, I need more space from you.

Again, this in no way means you should be hostile to him. Continue to be warm, attractive, HOT, NLW. But, communicate and enforce that boundary to him, and be more mysterious and less available. Establish more of the space he says he wants and that you will be comfortable with, given the circumstances.

and also here:

Originally Posted By: NLW
He said again tonight that getting back together is just not going to happen.

Bustorama:
Accept this is how he feels, and act accordingly.

Originally Posted By: NLW
He said that that was the turning point where I made it clear I was no longer involved in his life/business, and now I have to get along as best I can without him.

I tried to reason with him and pointed out that I had bank-rolled his business for 15 years prior to this, and that i had to think of trying to keep the house and what was best for the kids. I also pointed out that even his parents, whom I'd contacted for advice on what to do, had advised me not to give him my salary cheque. He looked surprised to hear this, but in the end, it cut no ice with him at all.

Bustorama:
You know why? Because you are still arguing with/antagonist to his point of view. You didn't validate his point of view/feelings. Try to see his point of view and accept it (not necessarily agree with it).

You know, H, I can totally see how you would feel that way given what you said. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking trying to convince you otherwise. I hear that you want a life separate from me, so I am going to focus on myself and my life without you.

Originally Posted By: NLW
In his mind, we are over, with no possibility of change. We are just no good together, yadda yadda yadda.

Bustorama:
So now it's been reconfirmed. When he comes by, it is not (in his conscious mind) with an eye towards getting back with you. Do you want an ex filling your days?

Originally Posted By: NLW
I asked how he wanted to proceed from here and he said we should just keep on being separated. I'm pretty much over this idea. It's just too hard to do. Every day another abandonment, another hurt, and recently, constant irritability from him.

Bustorama:
That's right, you don't deserve to be treated like this. He has no incentive for the status quo to change. He likes things just fine the way they are where he has the parts of you and the family in this faux marriage. Do you like things the way they are? You are worth more. =)

Originally Posted By: NLW
They don't deserve to have this storm break over their lives. It makes me feel so sick and sad.

Busstorama:
Yes, I get it hurts. Model for them how you might like them to act if the same thing happens to them in their lives.

Originally Posted By: NLW
but I really don't think there's any hope for us to get back together.

Bustorama:
Try to focus on your self, not the R or him or his actions. [/quote]