It's been awhile since I posted, as I haven't had time and honestly I needed time away.
Since my last update, my mother had her kidney cancer surgery (mid January) and the doctors were able to remove the mass without complications. Thankfully she's doing fine post surgery and knock on wood cancer free. Around the time of the surgery, my mom wanted to see my WAW. Prior to the procedure, they spent time together alone (WAW choice). Also, my WAW spent the day in the waiting room with us on the day of the procedure. It was awkward at times for both of us, but we made it work and I know my mom appreciated it which was the most important thing.
The "situation" did ultimately "get" to her, so she left while my mom was in the recovery room. On the way to the elevator, she asked me if I had scheduled an appointment with a mediator, as we had made no traction on a marriage settlement agreement. Her question bothered me considering the setting (didn't show it though), but now in retrospect, I realized it was again WAW's need to move on as quickly as possible. A few days after the surgery, my WAW decided not to go through mediation, as she refused to commit to the requisite 8 hours. She's felt that mediation would take less than 4 hours, so she refused to commit to splitting the cost. In the end, I had to get an attorney and now the attorneys are working on a settlement. We were assigned a court date, but through my attorney, I was able to postpone it in hopes that we can reach an agreement shortly.
As if the D process isn't complicated enough already along with having to manage the sale of our home (escrow closes in 2 weeks), an interesting twist occurred a few weeks ago. I was having dinner with friends who had flown in from NY. During the meal, I inextricably fainted. My friends called an ambulance and I spent 10 hours in the ER. As part of the work-up, they ran a CT scan on my stomach. The tests were inconclusive, so I needed follow up tests. After seeing a few specialists, I learned two weeks ago that I have kidney cancer too! My surgery is the last week in March, so I will hopefully have secured a new place to live before the procedure. What has been at times a surreal experience, has gotten much more. Kidney cancer is not genetic, so the doctors have told me it's a freak occurrence (same kidney as my mom too..left). The silver lining is that I fainted, otherwise it would have gone undetected while now the docs are able to treat it early.
It's been a year since my WAW filed for D and moved out. There are moments when I can't believe it's been a year and other instances where the passage of time has been interminable. I now look to myself as my anchor, not at my WAW. I try my best not to think of her, as I chose to focus on my new life, not hers. There is still bouts of anxiety and insecurity, afraid of the uncertainty inherent in this process, but I find myself looking forward to my new life and the adventures it holds.
I survived what was one of the most difficult experiences of my life when my W left...(thanks to everyone who has commented and supported me through my journey)....and I now approach cancer the same...I will fight and I will win!
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
I am SOOO sorry to hear about your illness. I completely agree that if you fight as hard for your life as you do your m, you will kick the cancer's a$$!!!
I'm glad to hear about your mom. Let your w's timing about the mediation roll off your back.
Sometimes the WAS reminds me of that ackward kid who has a crush on the hot girl... they don't know what to say... so they say something completely inappropriate.
How would you like the D process to go? You've read my sitch so for me... I wanted to be as loving as possible.. to both my w and myself...
... so I've been going at my pace... against W's wants.
I know your w has all these wants.. but NOW is the time to take care of WLA. What does he want?
So happy to hear about your mom! Prayers answered for sure.
Originally Posted By: wawinla
I now look to myself as my anchor, not at my WAW. I try my best not to think of her, as I chose to focus on my new life, not hers. There is still bouts of anxiety and insecurity, afraid of the uncertainty inherent in this process, but I find myself looking forward to my new life and the adventures it holds.
I survived what was one of the most difficult experiences of my life when my W left...(thanks to everyone who has commented and supported me through my journey)....and I now approach cancer the same...I will fight and I will win!
This is soo great! It's been wonderful to watch you grow.
Keep on keeping on my friend!!
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Its nice to see an update, even if it's not good news.
It sounds to me like you have the best variation of a bad situation.
I too realized a few weeks ago that I had reached the year mark. It is a little sobering to see that we have been living in limbo for a whole year. Keep pushing forward, you should look forward to a new life. We have learned a lot, in this journey, so why not enjoy the destination. Think of it as freedom.
How would you like the D process to go? You've read my sitch so for me... I wanted to be as loving as possible.. to both my w and myself...
... so I've been going at my pace... against W's wants.
I know your w has all these wants.. but NOW is the time to take care of WLA. What does he want?
Val:
Thanks for chronicling your journey...it has helped me beyond words.
In terms of the D process, my WAW has tried to speed up the process so she can get on with her life. When I exert my right to go at my pace, she accuses me of being an obstructionist. I know that accommodating her does nothing for me and that it's not going to miraculously change her mind, but it's a battle nonetheless and part of grieving the end of our M. Throughout the process, despite the fact she has broken my heart and my trust, I try and work to understand her POV and to find solutions that are not based on retribution but upon mutual respect and acceptable to both of us. Sadly it's in the attorneys hands now, but in light of my health circumstances, I'm okay with letting go of certain issues as there are much important things going on in my life.
Right now, I'm focusing on what's best for me as I go forward!
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Your w has her agenda and if she gets p!ssed that you aren't doing everything in YOUR power to accommodate HER agenda...
... so be it.
My WAW came over today to box up what she wants from the house, as escrow closes in 2 weeks. Not once during the 4 hours together did the D come up. Not sure why and I didn't bring it up. It was the first time I can remember her not asking about the D or trying to push the agenda. It was a nice change of pace.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
Speaking of... Does your w know?
She does know about the cancer. Since I'm on her health insurance, that's one of the issues that the attorneys are working through (structure the divorce to be finalized with the court after my surgery and rehab). Other than that, she hasn't asked anything about the procedure or my condition.
I did ask her to come to the hospital on the day of the surgery shortly after I was diagnosed...her reaction was the "quarterly close is that week and things will be hectic"...no commitment to be there or not. I've learned that there's no point in guessing what's in her mind, but I would like to believe that her feeling any emotions toward me would create such dissonance that she doesn't know if she really wants to be there or not.
As an aside, it was sad to see that my WAW wants no memories of our relationship. No pictures and particularly nothing to do with our wedding at all. For instance, her maid of honor (mutual friend) as a wedding gift dried out the roses I gave to my WAW on the day I proposed and place them inside a beautiful crystal vase along with the commemorative certificate from the hotel where we were married. When I asked if my WAW wanted to keep the vase, her reaction was..."that's a nice vase, I can use them for something else."
Through this journey, this is the hardest for me to deal with, how my WAW doesn't really want anything to do with me. Maybe this is why whenever I see her, my initial impulse is to go hug her or want to be emotional...but I fight this urge and understand that loving someone who does not love you is unhealthy. Nonetheless, it is a deep wound that will take awhile to heal.
Thanks V and all the other folks on the board for accepting me without judgment and who patiently support me through this difficult transition. Not a great day today, but plan to do something for me this weekend as I go through the task of packing up what I'm taking to my new place.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Since my last entry, I celebrated my 48th birthday (WAW made no contact), moved out of our house, and have been preparing for my surgery tomorrow. It's been hectic and it's had it's up and downs, but in the end, I like my new place and looking forward to the future after I recover from my procedure.
It was sobering that my WAW made no contact on my birthday and I have my doubts whether she'll visit me at the hospital. Consistent with her past behavior (estranged from her parents for over a decade), she wanted nothing from our R when I moved last week let alone have any contact/engagement with me during the process. I'm not surprised and it's not unexpected, but nonetheless sad for me.
When I was packing up the house, I was surprised at the things she left behind (she said anything she left in the house could be thrown away or donated). Strangely, she left her diplomas from college and grad school. She left photos from before she met me and it seemed she was trying to avoid feeling any emotion about me or the R. She quickly packed what she wanted and got out. I saved some items (i.e., diploma) which she may want down the road, but I won't be dealing with that until a few weeks into my recovery.
As to the surgery, the D has helped me get into the proper mindset. There is natural anxiety and fear going into the procedure, but the journey I've been on the last year has really helped get me into a good mindset for tomorrow. I'm focused on getting well and looking forward to the future.
Better sign off...early AM tomorrow. Wanted to drop by and thank everyone for their support. Will update when I can on how it goes tomorrow!
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
