@ KG - Absolutely I am trying to control the situation. I don't trust my w and it scares me that she hasn't cashed it yet... It's all part of me trying to protect myself... which it always seems to come back to that.
Journal
I've been trying to write an entry for a few days. My head seems to be overflowing with feelings and I am not really sure why.. other than my one year since my separation is drawing near.
In some ways I feel that I am at constant battle with myself.
In alot of ways I fight really hard to love my wife. Every decision I make, I spend the time feeling, praying, checking my heart.. have the tough conversations.. waking up forgiving.. and trying to want what's best for her.
In alot of ways I am really angry at her. Not about the divorce as much as she lied to me about being in each other's lives. Angry that I am so d@mn scared of her. Angry that I still thinks she cares about me even though this whole past year has been filled with actions of her only taking care of herself.. often at my expense.
I am angry about the emotional abuse. I am angry about the verbal abuse.
So the two sides fight with each other. The loving Val gets upset with the Angry Val because I have a hard time accepting her good behavior. I always feel like she is manipulating or baiting me. The loving Val gets upset because even though I try and I pray really hard for her to get better... there is this part of me that thinks "So finally I can be treated better" vs. just wanting her to get better because I love her.. regardless of what that means for me.
The angry Val gets upset with me because I continue to love someone who doesn't really show me love back. That I push myself and ask those hard questions for someone.. that doesn't really seem to give a damn.
I think Angry Val believes that if I would just stay angry and say "fvck her".. I would move on...
..and in some ways.. she may be right.
The constant battle has me exhausted. Lately I just don't want anything to do with it.
I neither want to fight so hard to love my w, nor do I want to fight to be angry at her.
I don't hate her but I don't really want to love as much as I do either.
In some ways... I just don't want her to be... anything or anywhere.
I know I shouldn't run and I know how beneficial the high road is....
...... but sometimes I wonder if it's actually the high road.
.... I wonder if I spend so much time loving her so I can say I did my best.
.. I wonder that I say there is something wrong with her because the simple fact that she doesn't love me.. just hurts too damn much
.... I wonder if I have DBed to the best of my abilities.
... I wonder if I tried everything.
.... and I wonder why if I am so ready to move on, that I want to keep fighting for her. When in fact, I am being forced to move on.. and I hate it.
... and most of all I wonder if all my wonders is my codependency talking or if there some part of me that is healthy in there.
I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of doing battle.
I feel like I know exactly who I want to be in life.. but my toxic dynamic with her makes it feel impossible to be that person to her...
... and I've been praying that it not be so... but now I'm not praying as much as just avoiding her so I don't have to be tested.
Because as much as I want to just love ME, and create a healthy ME.. it means dealing with HER...
... and I am questioning my strength.
... I am questioning God.
I'm rambling and I'm sure I sound like a crazy person.. but that is what is in my head.
Fun stuff ain't it??
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
