Spinning, neglect, loss and the bomb

[ouroboros]

Hi everyone, very new to this forum and recently just started looking for help online. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just tell you the story and plead for any advice.

Two days before our 14th anniversary at the end of February, my wife told me she saw a lawyer and wants an amicable divorce. We have 2 kids, daughter 7 and son 4. No physical abuse ever, no affairs on my part, none admitted by her.

Unlike her, she was emotionless the entire time and matter of fact. I was a complete emotional wreck, bawling and trying to understand what was happening. I still am. Although the last time we saw a therapist together was 2.5 years ago, and 10 yrs previous to that, she told me that we've done all we can.

She talks about having a 'moment of clarity' back in mid-December when our son was having a difficult week in pre-school. One of the teachers asked my wife if anything is going on at home since the boy didn't seem himself this week. She says it hit her at that point that we should divorce, although she failed to tell me any of this until the bomb in late Feb.

For over two months before the bomb, she says she looked for 'indications', that it was very hard for her to fake through my birthday and valentines day, and didn't want to repeat that with our anniversary. I'm so confused by this--no discussion about us, no demands make things different, not a discussion about divorce, just an appt with the lawyer and the bomb (no papers yet).

For my part in it, (and after reading some of the information here about MLCs), I have had a wildly challenging past 4 years. In 2008, I unexpectedly lost my dad, my sister sued me over our dad's estate, I lost my job, and lost our cat. In 2009, I was very dissatisfied with my new job and was considering a career change. We talked for months and in detailed ways about how/when/if I should enroll in a 1 year culinary program and build a small restaurant. We talked about how we would work together, how hard it would be, but how we'd manage it. So I left my job, started working part-time at another job, and was accepted to the school. A week before I started, she told me she didn't want to be a stay at home mom anymore, how she loathes cooking, and wanted to apply to a 1yr teaching program. I expressed my serious concern--stress of both being in school at the same time, childcare and transport, riding our finances slim, and having opposing schedules. I wasn't sure we could handle it, but supported her if that was what she had to do.

In hindsight, that's when I started becoming very depressed, feeling abandoned my her, with brief moments of passion pursing my new career.

So, skip ahead a year to 2011. After a difficult year, which was stressful to our relationship, we're both graduated. I'm working 60hrs/wk at a restaurant, she's subbing and looking for a full-time gig. She's unhappy with a perceived imbalance in the housework, and I'm still up-down depressed. She feels abandoned in our marriage, as do I. We talk to each other about it, but rarely, walking on eggshells, have listless sex every other month, arguing, but trying. Two of her friends keep whispering in her ear that they know for a fact I'm having an affair (not true). More stress. She feels concerned about her weight, starts taking doctor prescribed phentermine (even though she's in recovery) along with her antidepressant she's been on for years. I get a chance to own the restaurant at which I'm working, but it doesn't pan out. Deeper depression for me. Our dear dog dies.

Then, mid-year on a rare day that we're both off, she absolutely shocks me and initiates sex--for the first time in 10 years. Couple of weeks later, she tells me she's pregnant.

We discuss options--although having another baby would be awesome, the reality is that there are severe medical complications with her having another pregnancy. We mutually decide for her to have an abortion. There are two visits involved. She insists the first visit has no gravity for her--show up, take two pills, and leave. She tells me it's stupid for me to take off work. I acquiesce, call her repeatedly to check up. The next visit, I arrange to get off work and get told by her how the first appt was the important one, that I missed that one, screaming at me insisting that I don't come. I'm floored. My depression seriously deepens.

The new owner of the restaurant is absolutely awful. I quit in September. I start looking for another job, and places to buy. After running the restaurant numbers again and again, I can't make them work--unless it's a family run restaurant. My depression takes me by the neck, throttling me. I start drinking way too much, which although certainly not helping anyone, doesn't have any visible negative consequences. I was feeling completely crippled, even having irrational fleeting thoughts of suicide. I tell this to my wife, asking for her help. She tells me, yes, I do need help and does nothing. Deeper.

Then December, her 'moment of clarity', months of her looking for 'indications' while at the same time spurning me for any support, a hug, a kiss hello. Not even a handshake.

Then the bomb at the end of February. I'm crushed, but from god knows where I find the energy to stop drinking, to meet 1-1 with a marriage counselor, get on antidepressants, get help.

I asked her to go out for a dinner, which was civil and polite. After pointing out to her she has made a unilateral decision, and without actually talking to anyone--all this was on her own save the lawyer--she acquieses to seeing a couples counselor, but to help me feel better about her decision. This week we have a first session.

In the meantime, in just the past two weeks, I feel like I'm starting to be back in my own skin. I feel like I don't know where or who I was for months prior. Our home life is civil and 'pleasant', at least for the kids. We talk about our days, but not about us. She sleeps in another room, will not kiss me, but will hug me hello/goodbye.

As I get my head screwed back on, I'm concerned that the technique of being aloof and distant--a technique which I've used successfully in the past--will not work in this case. I'm beginning to suspect she's having a MLC of her own.

Good lord, I've about written a novel here...apologies for the length.
Thank you for any help or advice.