Man, I did some back tracking with myself today slipping into old habits. Was snooping at her e-mail and found an e-mail for a condo to rent. I freaked out internally. Snooping does nothing.
I am telling myself to expect the worse with my W. She told me she wanted space and for the most part I think that I give that to her, I don't call, text or e-mail. When we are home I will not attempt to prolong the conversation or take it to areas where I shouldn't. As a fixer I am having a hard time not trying to make things better or get answers from my W. I want her to say, "it does not matter what you do I am dead set on leaving." If I knew that detaching would not be a choice, I would have to do it.
Whether things or good or bad I never had control of the M as much as I thought I did.
W has praised some of my actions as of late, but is unwilling to discuss our R. On a positive note I suppose that every good day we have is a step in the right direction. Ususally in three weeks time in the past the talk of leaving etc would have subsided.
To date it has not. I know that I am making changes to make me a better me and that I have no control what my W decides to do. In the same house it is hard to totally detach from her, the best I have been able to do is hide my emotions and have a big smile on my face regardless of how I really feel.
She asked me yesterday how I could love someone as crazy as her. I simply told her that I loved her in good and in bad times which is how I feel. I wanted to say that I love her unconditionnaly but ultimately my actions will speak louder than words.
I realize that three weeks in is nothing compared to others in my sitch.
W is leaning on me for the kids and stuff around the house which makes me happy. I know that in terms of the R it means nothing, but prior to the bomb being dropped she was doing it all herself. I will stop rambling.
