Considering Quixote

[25yearsmlc]

that WAS a scary wacky reaction on her end...sheesh...any mood swings?

That was pretty scary. I need to check on the kids and on her, make sure everyone is physically alright. It is 5:30am. I slept better last night than most of the past month. Weird.
Anyway, I took the keys to our only car when she started talking about how she would be packing up the kids to leave ASAP (not just the house, but the state). I need to talk to law enforcement about that today.
She tried to hit me and threw a laundry basket at me (yeah, she continued to do laundry between explosions. It was surreal). But nothing last night would get the police involved.
She was so mad. I was a blank slate. I am proud of how I comforted the kids last night. They were all very scared and confused.

good^^^


I got them to all stay in big sis' bed together. I should have had them sleep with me, but first I didn't know how the evening would go and I was playing it by ear, and second I had this stupid sense that it would be unfair for me to swoop into their hearts and gain connection when Mommy was hurting them.

that^^ confuses me.


I don't understand my feelings, but I hate a lot about myself. There is certainly deep emotional problems that center on me that were part of the cause of last night. I know I need to not accept responsibility for my wife's actions, both the affair and her rage. But how do I balance that with taking responsibility for what I've done?

forget the balancing act. No such thing.

Work on YOU and only you. You have no control over her or her beliefs or actions or if the sky turns purple.

So what is the point of looking at the affair or who is more responsible for what?

You know your work to do. Focus on THAT and let her see changes in you...


So, I'm a little okay with just seeing last night as an angry teenager not getting what she wanted. I've never really stood up to her like that. I always thought I was strong like a rock, and it [censored] to find that I was strong like a sidewalk.
I broke down a little when she was out last night, but mostly I was granite-faced (like a deer in headlights?). Kids asked why I wasn't sad. I think that my detachment is scary and my general emotional detachment too.

^^^very interesting...what's your counselor say? Did your w ever tell you she wanted more emotionally, from you?

What is it that you said about not being available to her? What'd you mean?


But I guess this isn't the best time to be connecting with how I feel.
I'm a mess. Anyone? I've gotta go make sure my wife didn't slit her wrists...

check on your w for health and safety reasons.

Then put the oxygen mask on YOU so that you can provide the compassion and care your children need.

Make them your focus, and your own work...being a good father is part of being a good h. She'll notice it eventually.

You have confused her. That's the beginning of what might be a change of heart...

any change in her course will require a change of mind and a time of indecision on her end. Now that you've reacted differently, you got a different reaction.

One person can make a difference in the m b/c the m consists of 2 people.

There are many wise DBers who say "while there's an A, nothing you do will matter".

I disagree. I think OM is a symptom and that your marriage has had some serious issues for awhile now.

I see you are working on ending the porn thing, but does that mean you didn't work much on it, til she announced she wanted a divorce?

See how the changes you make b/c you want to be a better man

are going to impress her as real, much more than claims of change after she takes drastic action.

Notice she has not left you for OM yet. She could have.

She is still there.

You can turn this around. List the GAL things you are doing.

And the 180s...what affirmative actions are you doing that are new and different for you?

Also please get a DB coach session b/c I don't think you are on track with which approach you need or want. (Coaching is cheaper than divorce or having 2 homes...)

The DB sessions are very specific. I had a ton of sessions and I also had a good mc.

But if I could only have ONE tool for working on my m, it'd be the coaching I got from my DB coach.

If your w sees a L, she'll learn that she will likely have to return to work if you divorce.

I don't know that OM wants to marry her, ever, AND be a step dad for 3 kids AND support her staying home...I'm doubtful. Besides, if he were seeking that AND IF she wanted it, she'd have left by now.

Your w MAY be open to a marriage retreat weekend called "Retrovaille" which is for marriages in crisis.


You can act as if you want to go "for the kid's sake" & "communication skill building" (which is true)

b/c if she does go, she'll get something out of it. You have to.

I have seen (and experienced) miracles happen there.

Look it up and see if one is in your area.

There are couples there who will discuss THEIR problems and theirs are ROUGH (makes most other couple's problems pale) and yet

they are there talking about their marriages, with joy and love and commitment.

Check it out.

Don't give up yet. You have only just begun to fight right.