Considering Quixote

[25yearsmlc]

So, OM lives 1000 miles away, but she spent about 8 weeks there last summer and has seen him at least every month since then.
I read the books a week and a half ago, but feels like a long time
Some 180s I'm trying to implement are:
I used to make her coffee in the mornings.

Why not still do that^^^?


I try to smile and even laugh when we are around ea other (even when she's been on the phone w/OM for the past hour).
I'm super working on my temper with kids. I've been going downhill with them for a few years, and really really need to get control.

thank God you are working on this! Good...it's something SHE can notice. Remember not to point out your changes with words. That makes them look tactical (to get her back) rather than genuine, sincere changes.

I'm focusing on recovery. Have a c appt and starting back to a 12-step group. As I said, porn is symptomatic, and I'm also trying to pray, which is so hard. But that's the center of everything.
I am biting my tongue till it bleeds about OM.
Some on the horizon: I think I'll start playing soccer again. I think I should break out my cello and dust it off.

Daniel,

You have not DBd a full month yet so it's premature to give up on it. How is it that you feel your situation is so different?

Other men here have had their marriages fall apart solely b/c of porn b/c it's very humiliating to a lot of wives.

To some wives, the porn is like their h is cheating on them. Really.

Or at best, their h wants virtual sex w/women he doesn't even know, instead of real life making love with his own wife...(just saying from a wife's perspective that can happen.)

You also say you are working on your temper w/the kids, which you agree is an issue for you. So of course that needs work and I support that totally.

Look, do the math.

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

And
Your w must believe that marriage to YOU can be better and different than before

or she won't return. How are you behaving differently or showing her change in YOU?

You said your lack of pursuit in the marriage was a problem but now you are "going dark" or being distant...

Do you see that NOT all approaches work in all situations?
It's not a one size fits all deal.

If your wife's love language is quality time together and you were too busy on porn or at work or whatever, to ever make a deposit in her love bank,

and now you are cool to her as your "DB approach"...then do you see why another approach might work better?

I have to wonder if you are simply choosing the easiest route for you...it sounds very passive.

Your situation has been going on for some time but your DBing is brand new.

What were you doing before you were DBing? When Did you learn about the affair?

What was your reaction to it then?

We need more info....but it's not hopeless!!