The Climb - Thread #6

[Redo]

Navy:

Man reading your last post was a deja Vu (minus the ball) on some convo's i had with my W in the past. Here's my take.

1: Great on handling W's BFF's. Kudos.

I am just assuming here, but I’m pretty sure there’s probably a previous text from W that says something along the lines of “this is gonna suck having to go to the ball with H”. I didn’t want to ruin the night for myself, so I didn’t say anything.

Just my 2cents. Don't try to figure out what you dont see or hear directly. No point in it. Our minds have an awesome ability to exaggerate the worst fears. Recognize when you are trying to mind read and stop yourself. You really don't know what your W's earlier text to her BFF was. for all you know, it could have been something innocuous.

Then W decides to say “you realize they’re going through the early stages of what we’ve been going through”

Either W is testing to see what your take is, or she sees your friend's and is reminded of the past. Either way, it was a trap.

So I respond to W: “I agree…but I don’t think that I ever treated you the way he treats his W. I was clueless and selfish at times, and at times was a far from perfect husband, but I don’t think I deserve to be lumped in with other H”.

This is exactly how i used to respond in the past. Ditto. Thats because i used to take my W's comments personally. Yea, maybe she was trying to get you to react this way so that she can go off on you. Know what i do now? I try to be an observer to her comments. Not a participant. I then just acknowledge or if i feel that we are about to enter a war zone, i change topics with something interesting. In your case, you could have taken advantage of the nice mood she was in after the ball.

And W exploded. All the same things we’ve gone over hundreds of times, but this was certainly the most she’s ever yelled…

Yup, that's how my W also used to bait me. Nowadays, If i am able to diffuse the situation, i bring it up with her and suggest that perhaps she is 'looping' these crazy scenarios in her mind. This is not something that should be left alone. Your wife needs to handle it at some point. Once she sees and recognizes how her resentment is destroying a potentially great R with you.

Eventually she got up to go to the bathroom. I just sat there on the floor for awhile. She came back out and had calmed down a bit. I told her: “I don’t want you to be miserable. And I don’t want to be miserable. I’m not forcing you to do anything here. I am doing everything I can to make your life better, yet it seems that I am also the reason you are miserable. I don’t understand why and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to give up…but I also don’t want you to be miserable anymore.”

Could not have handled it better. I think that was good.

D6 came down in the morning to play Wii. Shortly after, W came downstairs. I looked at W…and the first thing she said was “sorry about last night”. I said “I’m sorry too”.

I have no idea exactly what she was apologizing for.

Good that you guys said the apologies. I dont think she knows why she apologized either. Maybe she thought that by apologizing, it just make her feel better inside. See the problem here is that now she might end up adding the last evening's blowup onto her own resentment pile (not the one where you disappointed her, but where she is disappointing herself). This is what she needs to stop doing.

I think you guys can pull this off. You just need to become stronger.