I don't love you, but we can be friends Part 2

[mimivac]

It said that the power of going with #2 is that you're able to escape from your expectations and can start to detach. If you assume that W will never treat you any better than she is treating you now, then you won't have expectations for anything better that W then won't fulfill. It said to expect this path to be very painful -- you will mourn your lost expectations. On the other hand, it's a journey with an end. You go through intense pain and come out the other side detached and ready to move on with a more realistic view of your situation.

I know this sounds very depressing, like hope is a bad thing, but it also seems to be pragmatic advice in terms of getting to a place where you can *truly* give space.

It is your expectations that are your worst enemy right now -- expectations that you have the power to turn things around quickly, expectations that doing something nice for W should result in W being nice to you, expectations that showing progress with 180's should cause W to change her mind, expectations that having a better relationship with SIL should influence W to want to work on the M, etc etc etc.

While W is a WAW, those expectations are perpetually unmet and it creates day to day pain and angst for you. If you can drop those expectations, you'll be in a much better place to weather the storm. Assume that W will do nothing to work on or repair the relationship. Assume that W will not be influenced by your actions, your family, or her family. Operate from that assumption and you may find peace sooner than you would otherwise.

Very important to remember, and difficult to apply. But when you do, the rewards are not just peace and detachment, but true growth. When you are not mired in expectations, when you are not constantly evaluating what your WAS has said or done, you begin to truly look within. You begin to understand your role in the m's demise and your role within your own life. You begin to value yourself. Yes, there is pain. The pain of letting go can be intense, but it is also cleansing. I can't tell you how much I feel I have grown in just a few short months of attempting to focus on myself and create distance between myself and my sitch. I am just a beginner, but the payoff is already worth it.

She was mad, but she will respect you for maintaining your boundary, that will make her feel safe with you because you can be relied upon to do what you say.

Totally agree. When you value yourself and take your own boundaries seriously, so will others. Good job.

Mimi