The Climb - Thread #6

[Navyguy]

Hey everyone. Here goes the long-overdue update.

At the end of my previous thread, I was working on putting my foot down with regards to being blamed for my W’s misery and her treatment of me. I’ve had some successes and some setbacks as a result of this. I can’t say that the setbacks are really unexpected, but they still hurt. W still blames me for her lot in life, and anytime I don’t put up with that, she gets PO’d.

My last real update was 4 weeks ago. (Yikes!) For most of that time, things have been fairly calm, but that is probably largely a result of me “sucking it up”. W had not been outwardly hostile toward me, but she is definitely going out of her way to make sure she’s not giving me any signs that she is interested in saving our M.

As before, I am stuck in limbo…and I am now convinced that for better or worse, only I can change this situation. Like 25 said in my previous thread…it’s been 3 years and W would have budged by now if she was going to at all.

Anyways….on to the latest and greatest:

I had previously mentioned that W and I were going to be attending a Navy Ball.

A couple weeks prior to the ball, I got a text from W’s “BFF” in Hawaii, saying W’s “BFF” in Ohio wants to text me with a good idea how to surprise W so she gave her my number. The next day I get a message from Ohio BFF. Her idea to surprise W was to go to the Ball with W since Hawaii BFF told her that I couldn’t go. Ohio BFF said it was Hawaii BFF’s idea and that Hawaii BFF said W was having a hard time. Then the message went on to tell me how bad her life has been since her D.

I have no idea where Hawaii BFF got the idea that I wasn’t going….I wasn’t sure if this was some underhanded way of them telling me W didn’t want me to go to the ball with her or something…so I responded nicely that I was planning to go to the ball and that I’m sure we can figure out another time for W and her to get together sometime soon.

Well, fast forward a couple weeks. We did go to the ball. It was last Saturday, the 17th – exactly one year after W came back from Colorado. W was looking forward to the ball…and had spent a good amount of time picking out a dress, getting her hair and nails done, etc.

So, we got ready on Saturday and headed out. We had plans to carpool with our friends that live nearby. These friends recently had a baby and I think it has definitely put some stress on their M. More on that later.

The ball was really nice and a good time. W and I both had plenty of the Bacchus, and we were sitting with a good group of friends. During dinner, W got a text on her phone from Ohio BFF, asking if she could come up to visit next weekend. W asked me if that was ok and I told her that I don’t see why that wouldn’t work. When W asked, she was holding up her phone where I could see the texts. The text from Ohio BFF prior to the invite said “Have fun and make the best of it”. I am just assuming here, but I’m pretty sure there’s probably a previous text from W that says something along the lines of “this is gonna suck having to go to the ball with H”. I didn’t want to ruin the night for myself, so I didn’t say anything.

So…given the whole “Navyguy isn’t going to the ball” thing and the text at the ball, I’m fairly certain that despite both Ohio and Hawaii BFF’s telling me recently how great I am and that they’re trying to help, they’re (intentionally or not, I’m not sure) really just adding fuel to the fire. It’s funny…I don’t have an OM in my situation, but the similarities between what I have read about EA’s and my sitch are kind of scary. The BFF’s were both “there for W” in her time of need, and she has basically developed an EA with them as a result of that. This comes up again later in the night…

After dinner and the formalities, they had dancing. W and I danced together for awhile…nothing slow or intimate, but just some fun stuff. We hung out there until about 11:30, and had a good time.

Now for the real fun….

We hopped in the car with the couple we rode with and who recently had a baby. They have what seems to me to be a not-so-healthy marriage, but they seem to be making it work…and who am I to judge anyways? The baby has stressed things more though. The W has been having some issues with H’s level of involvement with the baby, and has been venting to my W about it. The other W said she was hungry and wanted to stop at Taco Bell.

Her H said he wanted to get a Shamrock shake at McDonalds. So they went back and forth for a bit, and then my W chimes in that she wants a Shamrock shake too. Apparently she did so because she knows how stubborn the other H is and wanted him to get his way because she knew he wouldn’t give up, and had enough liquid courage in her to decide that she needed to get in the middle of it. I’m just sitting there in awkward silence the whole time. So we end up going to McDonalds, and other W is obviously pissed. Then they drop us off at home.

We go in, relieve the babysitter, and W seems to be in a decent mood. I put D6 in bed and then sat down with W to eat our food. I’m not sure who made the first comment, but we got to talking about our friends and the ride home. This is when W told me why she said she wanted the shamrock shake. I was surprised to hear that from her…I would think she would have sided with the other W and gone for the taco bell, but no. I didn’t say that to her though…I was mostly just listening.

Then W decides to say “you realize they’re going through the early stages of what we’ve been going through”. Ok fine…I understand that the other W is building resentment now, just like my W was when our D was born. But I see some huge differences between how other H and I. I don’t want to get into specifics since he is my friend, but some of the things I have heard he’s done and said really make me cringe.

So I respond to W: “I agree…but I don’t think that I ever treated you the way he treats his W. I was clueless and selfish at times, and at times was a far from perfect husband, but I don’t think I deserve to be lumped in with other H”.

And W exploded. All the same things we’ve gone over hundreds of times, but this was certainly the most she’s ever yelled…she was really screaming at me. “You mistreated me for 6 years. You didn’t listen when I told you how unhappy I was. You weren’t there for me and D when she was born. You are such a selfish person. You don’t understand what I went through. You obviously still don’t get it. You’re pushing me, forcing me to share the bed with you, I only came back because you guilted me into it, Etc. etc.”

I told W: “I understand you were unhappy, and I understand why. And as soon as I understood how unhappy you were (which I acknowledge was much later than it should have been) I did 4 things: figured out what I was doing wrong, stop doing it, own it and apologize for it, and learn how to start doing things right”.

W then told me I was changing my story and called me I liar. I told her I wasn’t and repeated the 4 things and that I know I have done them and will continue to learn how to be a better husband for the rest of my life.

Then W said she could never talk to me about anything and that is why she is so close to the BFFs. That every time they had a “girls night” it was so she could get away from being miserable with me.

W then brought up something I had told her about my IC sessions in a previous “talk”. I previously told W that both ICs (who I saw weekly for 4 months each) left with no understanding of why she refuses to work on our M. And I told them everything…and even defended her to them. Apparently W took this as me throwing her under the bus and blaming everything on her and then getting my IC’s to agree with me.

At this point W was screaming so loudly that I got up to leave…I couldn’t take being yelled at anymore. I told her I didn’t want to have this discussion tonight in the first place. But she kept going, and I got sucked back in, so I sat back down.

I don’t remember everything…but I do remember W said some pretty terrible things to me…most of which revolved around her wanting me to just take care of the kids and leave her alone. I stayed calm through the entire thing. I didn’t yell once. I didn’t attack her once. But I did defend myself the best I could. It is pretty hard though when she hates what I said before I even said it.

Eventually she got up to go to the bathroom. I just sat there on the floor for awhile. She came back out and had calmed down a bit. I told her: “I don’t want you to be miserable. And I don’t want to be miserable. I’m not forcing you to do anything here. I am doing everything I can to make your life better, yet it seems that I am also the reason you are miserable. I don’t understand why and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want to give up…but I also don’t want you to be miserable anymore.”

We ended it there, and she went to get ready for bed. I went into our room and laid down for a second, then decided I didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as her. I went and slept (well, mostly just laid there awake) downstairs.

D6 came down in the morning to play Wii. Shortly after, W came downstairs. I looked at W…and the first thing she said was “sorry about last night”. I said “I’m sorry too”.

I have no idea exactly what she was apologizing for. Was it just for screaming at me? Does she feel bad about some of the things she said? Or did she actually realize she’s been so incredibly unforgiving? Or was she worried she had pushed me to the breaking point to where I was about to throw in the towel? I don’t know...I don't know what I was apologizing for either. I was probably still apologzing for my wrongs in the past.

Things have gone back to the old status quo. W spent all day in bed on Sunday because she hurt her neck. The kids and I took care of her. Yesterday she started a new round of classes for school…so she’s back to burying herself in schoolwork from the time I get home until bed.

(Sigh)

I know what I have to do. I have been through hell and purgatory. The difficult and painful part of this journey is over. It is time I take crown and miter over myself.

Saying that and doing it are certainly two different things, but I know that moment is coming soon.