B Bread...it's the worst to hear you feeling this pain.
Your feelings about how god could let this happen...I agree with what CES said ^^^^.
Just like how you raise your kids...you love then...but have to let them make their choices and experience life's tests, rewards and failures. That's why we're here, to grow, for our souls to grow. All these things in are lives are part of that process. As tough as it is right now (and BTW I want to deck your H too for hurting you like that), think of what a life altering challenge that is in front of him. If he fails the test he loses you, his kids, himself, everything. If he's lucky he will find it in him to grow.
Now look at you, you may be hurt beyond description, but you are at a higher place in M than him. You are confirming through pain that you were always capable of handling the responsibility of your M vows, and to be a parent to those beautiful kids of yours. You have realized the great and amazing woman you are through this. You have found friends here that truly love you. You have given your kids love, and more attention that they will never forget. You have literally altered them down to their DNA by the love you have given them as they grow.
You're on a tough path no doubt about it. If you had to look back on this from the future I can't see how you would have handled this any better. Blowing out your pain was a good thing. It was from the depths of your soul. You may think it might have harmed your M in some way. How could it? If he gets his [censored] together he would see that for what it was, a woman acting from strength, not weakness. You were right to tell him what your needs are. After all, you are acting from love, for yourself (which is okay you know), your kids and him.
