WAW close to moving out, please help

[Accuray]

It's your expectations that are your enemy -- fixed this, fixed this, fixed this, now wife should come back.

it really stresses her out that she is not the wife I need or deserve.

This is the whole key to your sitch. This is what you need to focus on. You can't reassure her that she is what you need and want, you've demonstrated to her over the course of years that she is not (or at least she feels that way).

The other stuff is probably convenient WAW complaints -- addressing those things won't get to the heart of the issue, they'll just make her more angry because you seem to be so willing and able to do them now but didn't do it before.

On anything you do, if she believes you're doing it FOR her, she'll resent you for it, because that is pursuing. You need to do it because you want to do it for yourself, and she needs to believe that -- that you would make these changes even if no one was looking.

Try to stop fixating on the court situation, you're really not going to be able to control that. You haven't heard from her lawyer -- great! Maybe she's not as hell bent on pressing forward as she's representing. Don't shine a spotlight on it by making it an issue. Back off, give space, don't talk about court, separation, custody or divorce, just ignore it.

I guess the problem is that I can not just let her go.

Yes, that is exactly the problem right now, and you are not alone! What you are feeling and doing is normal -- it is the natural response to your situation. The challenge is that you have to fight that with everything you have and do what feels wrong and unnatural. Your instincts are WRONG in this situation, and you have to accept that.

YOU MUST LET HER GO TO HAVE ANY CHANCE OF GETTING HER BACK!

You just have to back off and stop all pursuing behaviors. You need to figure out to be good on your own, and expect nothing from W. That doesn't mean being distant or passive aggressive, you can be friendly and pleasant, but you can't expect ANYTHING from her right now.

Longer term, you really need to think about the fact that she doesn't feel safe with you. She doesn't feel she can relax in this relationship and be herself because of how you are operating. I had this problem too with my W, and I was very surprised by it when it was pointed out to me, because I was far from demanding or controlling. In some way, however, you are letting your wife know that she is not good enough and does not meet your expectations, and sooner or later, anyone is going to throw in the towel in that scenario. When you project that, it actually encourages her not to try at all versus try a little. Nothing will be good enough, so why make any effort at all?

Your challenge as acceptance, and removing your expectations. Whatever you're getting from W has to be good enough. If it's not, you need to leave, but you can't continually press W for more/different, that's not fair to her. Also, think about what you do for W that is modeling what you want to receive yourself. If you want W to be more physically affectionate, and you demonstrate that by being physically affectionate with her, it just reminds her of what she's not doing for you that you want. You need to let her lead and set the bar.

Finally, leave her family out of this. Her family is her family, and she needs their support. You can talk to your own family, but do not talk to hers, regardless of your historic relationship. She will resent you for talking to her family about her.

Accuray