You have lots of answers about what she needs to fix, what do you need to fix?
She has "taken blame" but I know she feels this is wrong with me:
Did not pull my weight with kids. Corrected, fully involved for last couple months, probably do over 50% now. She is mad that am doing it now and not before. Specifically I did not pull weight at bedtime and taking kids away on weekends.
Did not schedule date nights, arrange babysitting She is right, but she didn't seem to want to go. Unfixable b/c I have tried and she wants nothing to do with me now.
Was moody/defensive at times. I've gotten over it and corrected this. I'm not sure why I was like this, prob b/c I was not getting what I needed from relationship. I apologized.
Stayed on computer to much. I stopped using computer at home a couple months ago.
She had commented I was getting a belly. I was around 172-175 at 22 and worked myself up to ~182 lbs. Back down to ~165-168 lbs now... my 16-18yr old weight. I'm 6ft so that is pretty thin. Been lifting weights for a couple months now.
I expect to much sexually. She has talked to other friends and they have sex every 3 weeks or so, so I should be very happy with every week or two. Not sure what to say on this one, LOL
I know that is been brought up multiple times that it really stresses her out that she is not the wife I need or deserve. I didn't do anything to help this in the past. In the last week I've tryed to let her know she is what I need. I'm not sure how to address this, open to opinions on this one!
It's your expectations that are your enemy -- fixed this, fixed this, fixed this, now wife should come back.
Originally Posted By: cdavis
it really stresses her out that she is not the wife I need or deserve.
This is the whole key to your sitch. This is what you need to focus on. You can't reassure her that she is what you need and want, you've demonstrated to her over the course of years that she is not (or at least she feels that way).
The other stuff is probably convenient WAW complaints -- addressing those things won't get to the heart of the issue, they'll just make her more angry because you seem to be so willing and able to do them now but didn't do it before.
On anything you do, if she believes you're doing it FOR her, she'll resent you for it, because that is pursuing. You need to do it because you want to do it for yourself, and she needs to believe that -- that you would make these changes even if no one was looking.
Try to stop fixating on the court situation, you're really not going to be able to control that. You haven't heard from her lawyer -- great! Maybe she's not as hell bent on pressing forward as she's representing. Don't shine a spotlight on it by making it an issue. Back off, give space, don't talk about court, separation, custody or divorce, just ignore it.
Originally Posted By: cdavis
I guess the problem is that I can not just let her go.
Yes, that is exactly the problem right now, and you are not alone! What you are feeling and doing is normal -- it is the natural response to your situation. The challenge is that you have to fight that with everything you have and do what feels wrong and unnatural. Your instincts are WRONG in this situation, and you have to accept that.
YOU MUST LET HER GO TO HAVE ANY CHANCE OF GETTING HER BACK!
You just have to back off and stop all pursuing behaviors. You need to figure out to be good on your own, and expect nothing from W. That doesn't mean being distant or passive aggressive, you can be friendly and pleasant, but you can't expect ANYTHING from her right now.
Longer term, you really need to think about the fact that she doesn't feel safe with you. She doesn't feel she can relax in this relationship and be herself because of how you are operating. I had this problem too with my W, and I was very surprised by it when it was pointed out to me, because I was far from demanding or controlling. In some way, however, you are letting your wife know that she is not good enough and does not meet your expectations, and sooner or later, anyone is going to throw in the towel in that scenario. When you project that, it actually encourages her not to try at all versus try a little. Nothing will be good enough, so why make any effort at all?
Your challenge as acceptance, and removing your expectations. Whatever you're getting from W has to be good enough. If it's not, you need to leave, but you can't continually press W for more/different, that's not fair to her. Also, think about what you do for W that is modeling what you want to receive yourself. If you want W to be more physically affectionate, and you demonstrate that by being physically affectionate with her, it just reminds her of what she's not doing for you that you want. You need to let her lead and set the bar.
Finally, leave her family out of this. Her family is her family, and she needs their support. You can talk to your own family, but do not talk to hers, regardless of your historic relationship. She will resent you for talking to her family about her.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
She has "taken blame" but I know she feels this is wrong with me:This is about you, not her. What is in your sandbox? How do you know she feels that way?
Did not pull my weight with kids. Corrected, fully involved for last couple months, probably do over 50% now. She is mad that am doing it now and not before.and she probably will be until she believes the changes are real and lasting, not just a tactic. Specifically I did not pull weight at bedtime and taking kids away on weekends.
Did not schedule date nights, arrange babysitting She is right, but she didn't seem to want to go. Unfixable b/c I have tried and she wants nothing to do with me now.Defensive
Was moody/defensive at times. I've gotten over it and corrected this. I'm not sure why I was like this, prob b/c I was not getting what I needed from relationship.Defensive. Was she getting what she needed from the R? I apologized. Good, but actions speak louder than words.
Stayed on computer to much. I stopped using computer at home a couple months ago.Good, keep it up!
She had commented I was getting a belly. I was around 172-175 at 22 and worked myself up to ~182 lbs. Back down to ~165-168 lbs now... my 16-18yr old weight. I'm 6ft so that is pretty thin. Been lifting weights for a couple months now.Again, good.
I expect to much sexually. She has talked to other friends and they have sex every 3 weeks or so, so I should be very happy with every week or two. Not sure what to say on this one, LOL
I know that is been brought up multiple times that it really stresses her out that she is not the wife I need or deserve. I didn't do anything to help this in the past. In the last week I've tryed to let her know she is what I need. I'm not sure how to address this, open to opinions on this one!
Again, you can't change damage done over years in a few weeks or months. These changes have to be because you want to be a better person, a better husband a better father, not just a tactic to get her back.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
You two are a good team! I guess realistically its over. I wish I saw it coming and addressed the problems sooner. I guess I need to accept that we will end up in court or with a settlement. Will try everything possible to reach a peaceful settlement... that may give us a long-shot chance. Bitter settlement or divorce and I'm sure its over. I just feel like a failed my kids...
Wrong conclusion. It's over when you give up, but not before. Divorce does not make it over, your decision to stop trying is what ends it, and that's up to you.
Giving space is not the same as giving up.
She knows you want to reconcile, she knows you're willing to put effort into changing. You have delivered the message. Now it's in her hands and not yours.
Work on changes FOR YOU. Assuming this doesn't work out, you will have new relationships in the future. How can you be the best relationship partner you can be? How can you address the long term patterns that plagued your marriage? Dig deeply for your own sake.
Focus on that and have no expectations of a quick reaction from W. If you do it well, W will react, but not on your timeline.
You read "Divorce Busting" and/or "The Divorce Remedy" right? I also recommend you read "The Sex Starved Marriage" and "The 5 Love Languages", those should be required reading for everyone.
WRT giving space, your W wants emotional distance right now. Pretend she's drawn a 10 foot perimeter around herself emotionally. When you pursue her, you decrease that distance. She doesn't want you any closer, so for every foot you move in, she needs to move even farther away from you to maintain her 10 feet.
What happens when you move in the opposite direction, or give her even more space then she wants? If you increase the emotional space to 15 feet by moving 5 feet away, then she can safely move 5 feet back toward you without violating her limit. You've made it safe for her to approach YOU.
Back off and provide space, and you will see this happen, but it may take quite a long time. You will have to be more patient than you think you can be, but it's really the only thing you can do that's going to work. Anything else is guaranteed to fail, as you've been finding.
When she does approach you, or reach out, you must NOT come running back in. She's afraid that you'll do the equivalent of a running tackle and assume everything is now OK. You must never escalate above what she offers. If she hugs you, you can hug her back but don't kiss her or say "I love you" etc. All you can do is mirror.
Expect her to run hot and cold. She may "try on" being nice to you, and then will seemingly instantly turn cold and distant again. This is normal. She will catch herself being nice and won't want you to think everything is OK.
You're far from done if you want to keep trying. You need only to alter your approach.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
BTW, I also recommend talking to a Divorce Busting telephone coach on this site. I worked with Cheryl and she really helped me more than IC or MC. I was very skeptical at first but it is money well spent. It's not cheap, but it's a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I ordered the book, and will follow the advise you offered. Thanks so much! I guess what bothered me so much was is that she "should" know its going to be so difficult for our kids and is going to ruin us financially. Its not just moving out with space, she wants everything (distribution, custody, any support) desided right up front... when it doesn't have to be desided until a year after separation.
