WAW close to moving out, please help

[Accuray]

Chris,

Your W doesn't feel safe in your relationship. What she is saying, her behavior, and her list all indicate that she doesn't feel she can be herself and be accepted.

I would guess that she feels you have unrealistic expectations for her that she can't live up to. Over time that has dragged her down more and more and she's finally given up. She probably feels you always want more from her, and nothing she gives will be good enough.

I'm not saying this is rational or necessarily your fault. She could feel inadequate by comparison, she could read things into your comments that you didn't mean, etc., but the point is, she feels like you want more from her than she can give.

Forget about fixing this in 1-3 weeks, that's not going to happen, and also try to avoid your catastrophic thinking -- that's a normal place to go when you're panicking, but it doesn't help. You need to slow way down and give her space as others have said.

Your longer term challenge will be accepting her as she is without expecting more or different -- you'll need to give up your "good wife" yard stick and determine for yourself if the wife she is is good enough for you.

You have trained her how to think about you, the relationship, and herself in the context of the relationship. That training took place over 12 years or more. Those perceptions and beliefs can't be changed by talking, nor can they be changed quickly. Training like that creates neural pathways in the brain that form "routes" for our thoughts and feelings. She needs to break down those pathways and build new ones, and that requires "retraining", which requires consistent behavior on your part over a long period of time.

You did not make things worse by giving space, you made things worse by getting caught kissing a 22 year old in a club. When you give space, or act significantly differently in any way, it will be hard for both you and your W. People don't like change, so when change starts to happen, you will both resist it. People often conclude that the pain they feel from change resistance means that their changes are making things worse. That's not true, you need to stick with your changes until you get through the resistance period. It WILL be worse before it gets better. You and W will get along worse when things change -- you'll only make things better if you stick with it and be consistent.

Do not view whatever date you are concerned with as "armageddon day" -- it's just a date on a calendar. Your efforts to repair your relationship and improve yourself will move along on their own schedule, and will take much longer than you expect. Surrender to the things you cannot control, and focus on the things that you can -- namely you.

Good luck Chris, I know you're hurting. Recognize that you are panicking and that is not helping. Slow down.

Accuray