can you arrange a short trip to the beach or camping for YOUR family? You know, the boys, their parents and...no one else?
If not, then try to include h in "game night" or "kid night" which we did on Friday nights once they reached the age of TV or talking. Before 3. It made them feel special and was easier on US b/c we worked full time in long hour jobs..so we didn't have to cook and we all got together on the sofa bed and opened it up.
Friday nights we ordered pizza (occasionally McDonald's...hey, it was THEIR night to choose and at least they didn't pick at it) ) and there in the open sofa bed we all watched Kid movies of their choice...w/minor influence of ours...
These days a lot of THOSE films are actually funny or cute enough for adults.
I still love Milo & Otis, Aladdin--- (I found that animation film w/Robin Williams in it SO hilarious -But then, i'd had a tooth pulled that day so, who knows?) & Toy Story, Rango, evidently The Lorax, etc....and well, you will all BOND as a family unit...and build on those bonds, layer by layer,
without expectation/request for more, without stares of need.
Just GIVE or SEND out inner calm, love and kindness and warmth.
If he seems to feel pressured or awkward or says "this is meaningless, don't get your hopes up"
I won't get my hopes up but hey, "these 'moments' are not meaningless, they're cherished family times, even if the family times will end soon. The boys and I find meaning in them
but don't worry h, this is NOT meant to be a night of pressure- but the exact opposite! So let's be here in the present and just help them feel safe and loved...okay?
And then give him more space or limit it to "1 kid night/game night" or whatever works for YOU. It's only how many more weeks til he's gone????
These are memories you are MAKING so your oldest boy will have some of you as a family...maybe little bro will have some images of warmth and family too, and your h will too....
Giving him something to miss is NOT a bad idea. No downside to it sweetie.
Don't stoke any angry fires of his, or fuel ANY of his negative justifications. Let those fires be UNfueled so they can die out. And then his feelings of love can resurface. I believe it's possible to turn this around, maybe even 50/50 if he sees real change in YOU and the way the boys and you act around him...
(and don't carp at them in front of ANYONE who might tell your h..Keep the neighbors UNinformed about you losing it, IF it happens).
Keep low key expectations for these fun times, it's "all about the kids in limited time left" but as much as possible, have compartmentalized time for just you 4. Or close friends YOU trust.
YOU don't have to sit right next to him or act romantic--=pursuit.
Look/smell good and be warmly receptive to him, without being forward.
. Just dress well, be WARM (okay, be HOT) and have peace in the home.
(***Remember that marriage study of what spouses most value in their partners?****)
Husbands said they most prized the 1) attractiveness of their mates AND
2) peace in the home (no fighting/nagging/criticizing)
They all seem to like feeling admired, but then the rest of it varies more & goes to their particular love languages.
Wives said most prized in their husbands was Security (=financial, i.e., can he provide for you and babies? and physical-do you feel safe with him? Do you know down deep he'd kill or die for you or the kids?
and 2) Fidelity. Meaning sexual and lacking in deceit.
If you honestly think you have failed in some of your goals as a partner, well FIRST, please just
JOIN THE HUMAN RACE b/c we ALL fail to meet SOME of those goals at some points... but second, If you feel shame, Don't let your shame paralyze you. That stops growth.
Please read Autumn Leaves comments about EE. The sooner you go, the better for you to show him a whole new way of viewing your life's choices BEFORE he leaves.
Maybe what matters most to you in a h, is HIS RECOMMITTING and
in you, would be your ability to lose the anger and truly forgive
AND BE FORGIVEN...which is another challenge...
In sum, Get those family nights/picnics/weekends or whatever YOU can create that is not pressure but IS memory creation for your family/kids/h.
Give your best efforts. He will back out of some of the plans b/c he'll feel pressured or controlled or confused OR challenged
he may think "geez, I told her I wanted a divorce...but she keeps on being kind and loving and calm with me AND the boys...weird..what gives?"
Confusing him is a great start. It leads to him changing his mind. Confusion is transition between views or choices...
and of course, keep up all the good work YOU have done on YOU.
(((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
