Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt. 6

[25yearsmlc]

UPDATE 8am
I had a question for our son's daycare provider today and I was told that our son wouldn't be going in to school today. She said my wife had texted her yesterday (Sunday). What?!? Why wasn't I kept in the loop.
So I texted my wife is our son was okay because I heard that he wasn't going to school. Her response was, "Oh ya, was just about to txt you. I just had the day off so kept him home. "


Hey, pick your battles carefully. Son got one on one time with a parent, insted of daycare, and that is a good thing, right?

Why assume she would NOT tell you that you did not have to pick him up? She just said she was about to text you.

I think Assuming the worst of our spouses does not help the situation (but preparing for it, legally, DOES help)

which brings me to 2 points Alamo.

From what you wrote here, I was not clear that you only had 30% custody and yet, she was in medical training and some of that time you were not employed. Why didn't you have him more?

Also I'm still not clear on what your goals are re custody or moving. You just started a new job

and now you MAY move to SC, but then you got vague on what that would take for you to do. (Vague with HER anyhow...)

It's crucial that you speak with clarity when you communicate with her or you will sound weak.

I don't mean for you to sound controlling but I DO Mean for you to sound more sure of yourself.

You are not "asking" her for a favor, you are asserting your rights as a father.

Finally, why did you keep all of the tax refund? Appears punitive/wrong and besides,

wasnt' she the main breadwinner?

Alamo, I've been on your side this whole time.

But I can only tell you that if I were in her shoes, and if I have my facts straight,

I'd have seen that as hugely negative. Don't know what your goal was there.


I feel like I need to catch her on not keeping me informed in the first place, but I'm not sure what to write. I was supposed to pick our son up from school and my wife hasn't bothered to arrange that either.

hmmm

first you know how the need to "catch her on this" sounds to me, right?

Yeah, like the old angry petty Alamo...

And btw,
exactly what is to arrange, if she has him? You Just don't pick him up at daycare.

When is your time scheduled with him? Does this clearly interfere with that? IF so, let her know you'll pick him up at the usual time.

No blame or anger...just factual statements.

I agree 25. I have let slip my resolute self. For some reason I've allowed my emotions affect my judgement and demeanor. BY doing so, I've allowed myself to be like putty in my wife's hands. Time to get cracking on the skills that I seemed to have such a firm grasp as little as 6 months ago.

Perhaps I'm also on edge as much as she is, in lieu of her move.


Yes I sense that^^^, maybe in both of you.


SO... to answer some of your questions and concerns:

- I was trying to ask if I should "catch her on this", similar to how you've suggested "calling her on this crap" back in Feb and even many times before that. For once, I thought I felt like I needed to spotlight what my wife was doing, rather than letting it go

Big difference between looking petty and showing self respect. (Hence the phrase "pick your battles" wisely.

Here,

1) what she did was not harmful or selfish to you in any way AND it benefitted son (son got a whole day of one on one time with his mom)

2)**SURE IF she had not ever called you to say "don't pick son up" THEN you could call her on that. But you were pouncing on her (or wanting to) for something she had not yet done/omitted doing. This was morning and you didn't need notice of their day for several hours.


. Within that context, I've noticed that my wife's level of communication with me (which used to be minimal) has turned to almost zero in the past couple of months.

- Taxes. Like myKarma, I was the sole breadwinner last year.


UNlike mykarma, you did not share the refund. And Aren't you asking her to pay you alimony or child support?


Her income were through her loans and perhaps financial support from her parents. She hasn't had a paycheck since 2007.

How'd you pay bills when YOU were Unemployed? So SHE borrowed the money for school AND to keep everyone afloat and SHE will pay those debts off herself?


I told my wife that she can have the money BUT only when she's within the family unit, not outside. I might be misguided, but my principle is -- just like everything else -- my wife left this family. She lost privilege to anything she left behind.


IMHO

YES you are misguided. Sorry Alamo, but Perhaps it is a cultural thing in your country, whereby if a woman dares leave a marriage even when the h owns the fact that he pushed her away, and even if he didn't cherish or honor her....she gets nothing ...b/c she dared to leave...

but in the US we share assets accumulated together regardless of who "earned" it b/c it's a team effort when children are involved.

IT'd be different if you won the lottery and the divorce was final, but those were assets earned during the marriage. Most states say do it fairly or equitably or straight 50/50.

Your words paint a plan that sounds as if you were "Teaching her a lesson for going" which is not a spouses's job. OR you were punishing her, by making her pay for leaving you, (literally.)

Grand scheme of things those^^^ actions push your goals farther from you


Alamo, what is different about you now than before, vis a vis your wife?

That is the only question that matters. IF all she sees is THIS type of behavior after all your work

then it's not so shocking that she'd want to get away somewhere.

When you were not working, did you have your son more? How'd YOU only get 30% custody with her horrible hours?



The example I like to use is like when someone leaves their job (quit, retired, laid off or even a no-show), the company requires that they leave company property behind. There was a contract signed when the "relationship" started and when you end that, you take your things, but you leave behind whatever was created during that "relationship".

Wow...except

1) this was a spiritual commitment and relationship that was based on vows to "love & cherish, forsaking all others,"

and

2) this was a MARRIAGE that brought a new life to the world...creating a FAMILY.

So it's NOT a contract with a company.

IF IT WERE a contract between 2 people to honor their vows, well Alamo, I don't have amnesia and now is no time for you to get it either.

YOU told us you were depressed, not working for months at a time, AND by your self description you were a porn addict.

Your w repeatedly pleaded with you to stop.

But you did NOT stop until after she left you... I don't say all this to rehash the past...I Don't!

But you are erasing the past and seeing it through a lens that keeps you OFF course and gets foggy about what role YOU played in getting here.

SOME of your interactions with your w are not great on your end...

you can do better.

You are better than that.

I think your assessment of why she gets nothing and how she wronged you and how SHE broke up the family, is unfair and too biased. It doesn't help your cause although it may feel easier in the short run to just blame her.

Thing is, WE the LBSer stays stuck then. WE repeat our mistakes with the WAS or with the next r

b/c we failed to learn the most important lesson of DBing which is to become the best person WE can become...

If you cannot see things from your w's perspective, even if you do not agree, you have to have empathy for her viewpoint...

or you two will never get anywhere....

A little off topic: As much as I've liked to have put that refund into savings, like clockwork (like my life couldn't get more complicated) my car transmission decided to die, and my cellphone went south, all while recovering financially from being between work (it was a short period, but California is bloody expensive!). Needless to say, it was useful.


All^^^ off topic. Half the money was hers in the eyes of the law. She knows it.
She resents it. You fueled the resentment.

- Why I have 30% time with our son. Answer: It was self-imposed by my wife when she first left the house. I journaled about it here, I recall; it was probably one of my first few posts. I called 911 but I was told that they can't take action because there was no legal bindings in place at that time. Initially I created a parenting schedule, but she refused to sign it.

see how your ^^^ passivity allows you to blame her for the arrangement, and take no ownership for not getting 50% custody? This has been going on for how long now? You never filed anything to get half custody? Have you now?

You can't blame her if she makes the decisions and you let her.

"Self imposed" --no that was something SHE imposed ON YOU

and YOU ALLOWED...and you don't get to hold her accountable for your actions or lack thereof...


Last week she came back and told me that I had actually agreed on that time ratio when she asked and only started requesting 50:50 when I obtained a lawyer.

So what? I think what she's arguing is that you did nothing all these months to get more time w/son, (other than perhaps suggest it to her, or vaguely ask permission, and or give her all the power/responsibility??)

but you took NO ACTION until now, so I guess your response is that you were not aware of your legal rights back then...or what?

BTW when a woman has the power in a relationship it is usually a BURDEN to her...


To the former, I'm quite sure that I was still in a fog/daze/disillusionment over the whole incident. I felt powerless, so even if what my wife says is true, I didn't know what to do. To the latter, I did NOT begin asking for 50:50 only when I got a lawyer. I started hearing friends/books/articles to take stock of how much time our son is with his mom. A fact that I didn't know at that point was when they said that I needed to count the time our son is at daycare as well. So put that altogether and we have 70:30 in favor of my wife. Ever since then, I've asked her numerous times (in writing) to consider something more balanced, but she has refused to even offer me an answer.

Here you are still making it all HER choice and guess what? She chose to ignore your "Powerless" requests, probably BECAUSE they were powerless b/c you gave her ALL the power/responsibilities in the r after you two split
or in her eyes even before?? Just asking...

for all these reasons, that's why I urged you to get a L so often and a long time ago.

I may be wrong on this, but I don't think you can blame your w for asserting her legal rights and protecting her legal interests, when you could have done the same thing but chose not to....


All said, I want to thank you 25/MK and so many others for checking in on my thread this week. Those 2x4s are great reminders to me that I have much to work on. AND, I always appreciate a wise lady's perspective. Sometimes I forget to see it from my wife's perspective. Sometimes I forget that my wife was/is a wife of a recovering porn addict and that in itself brings a lot of its own kind of pain/hurt with it.

Love you guys.

I know it pains you and shames you. Perhaps that is why you'd rather see HER in the worst possible light.

But this is not a contest. You can be a recovering good guy and your w can be a struggling new doctor and neither of you "MUST" be wrong...(btw, an OB has almost NO control over her schedule if she wants to deliver babies. I "fired" my last one b/c 3 appointments in a row were interrupted by baby deliveries. I liked her but I knew I was falling through the cracks in her care, so I chose a GYN who no longer delivers babies so I could get an ovarian tumor removed...)

Alamo, We all have our demons. You actually can identify yours, and work on it, so that puts you ahead of most people.

Be empowered by that knowledge, & knowing you will never be that guy again.

Just so I know, have you ever clearly told her you are sorry for how it must have made HER FEEL as a woman?

If you do so now, make sure you don't attach an expectation or request to it. It's just your desire that she knows that you get it, and you are sorry.

We all want to avoid a guilty conscience by staying on course as best we can. NO one is immune to mistakes and we all feel regret about some of our choices...

but don't wallow in shame b/c it's not healthy or helpful, and

shame can be paralyzing --

and that prevents growth and improvement.


Back in the saddle Alamo, don't lose the hard earned progress you've made with more backslides. You have a few months to

BE the REAL YOU NOW...

and make sure you are legally protected. I think she'll respect you more than if you don't hire one...even with the anger she may feel, you need her to respect you or you'll never get anywhere w/her, AND son will see it.
Stay strong.
((( )))