taking the time to watch the wave

[BFloat]

Hopeless.. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really helps to know someone hears me.

I ended up txt'ing H because I had asked him earlier (before blow up) to pick up meds I had forgotten at my mom's. She called and said he didn't come by so she'll drop them off in the morning on the way to my sister's. H didn't answer. I followed up that txt saying I was sorry. I should have walked away when I felt myself getting upset. I said some things I didn't mean (I didn't mention the fact that i said some stuff I definitely meant). He finally answered asking whether he should pick up my meds in the morning.

I had planned on leaving early before H got off work but he said he had told the kids he would see them before we left. But I packed most of our stuff in the car already so that it would be one less thing to deal with in the morning. I know H will wonder about this because our parking is underground and I actually have to leave our unit to get to it. But this is a reality of being D. Can't always rely on a second person being here.

When we had our falling out.. I said he never told me what I did wrong. Was I too demanding.. What? He said, he had told me.. He just didn't want to be married. That's when i broke and he ended up saying "I didn't leave the kids, I left you". I think that may have been the most hurtful thing he has ever said to me. So I question now whether I will ever be able to get over all the painful stuff I have been put through.

I question God's plans. I felt I had tried so hard to detach and leave the outcome up to him. And i wonder, what did I do to deserve this and how much more will I have to endure. Tonight, I really question how much strength is left in me.

The time away will do me some good. To focus on my beautiful kids.. And to do some more soul searching.