taking the time to watch the wave

[BFloat]

Major backslide. H wanted to talk about finances.. It went from bad.. To worse... I'm in completely in tears as I'm writing this.

H is of course wanting to figure things out because he doesn't have a place to stay by the end of April and will need to find his own place. I mentioned how I couldn't see how we could continue the way things are with him paying half the mortgage. I said we needed to figure out child support and i would then determine whether or not I could afford to stay here or whether i needed to move etc. Somehow.. It ended with him saying he's been sleeping on a couch and it hasn't been easy...

I'm not sure how it escalated but I just lost it. I said I didn't really feel sorry for him because he made the choice to leave us.. And then he said "us?". Said he didn't leave the kids.. He left me. And then I just flipped out. Said when you invest more in your "friendships" at work.. It was attaching yourself to someone emotional other than your spouse.. I couldn't control the tears because I was so hurt by his words saying he just didn't want to be married. Blah blah.. In the end, I said.. "yes you chose to leave me because i'm such an awful person and in doing so you became a part time father.. But I guess that's good enough"

I left the room. I think I heard H leave. I just feel so done. Why do i even want to be with this person at all? Someone who just doesn't value me and is so set on walking away? I really feel done. I just don't want this anymore.

Leaving tomorrow and honestly.. Just want to pack the car with the kids and keep driving. I am so choked. I really hate him right now. He was very cold and so hurtful. I don't know if there's anything there anymore.