UPDATE 8am I had a question for our son's daycare provider today and I was told that our son wouldn't be going in to school today. She said my wife had texted her yesterday (Sunday). What?!? Why wasn't I kept in the loop. So I texted my wife is our son was okay because I heard that he wasn't going to school. Her response was, "Oh ya, was just about to txt you. I just had the day off so kept him home. "
Hey, pick your battles carefully. Son got one on one time with a parent, insted of daycare, and that is a good thing, right?
Why assume she would NOT tell you that you did not have to pick him up? She just said she was about to text you. I think Assuming the worst of our spouses does not help the situation (but preparing for it, legally, DOES help)
which brings me to 2 points Alamo.
From what you wrote here, I was not clear that you only had 30% custody and yet, she was in medical training and some of that time you were not employed. Why didn't you have him more?
Also I'm still not clear on what your goals are re custody or moving. You just started a new job
and now you MAY move to SC, but then you got vague on what that would take for you to do. (Vague with HER anyhow...)
It's crucial that you speak with clarity when you communicate with her or you will sound weak.
I don't mean for you to sound controlling but I DO Mean for you to sound more sure of yourself.
You are not "asking" her for a favor, you are asserting your rights as a father.
Finally, why did you keep all of the tax refund? Appears punitive/wrong and besides,
wasnt' she the main breadwinner?
Alamo, I've been on your side this whole time.
But I can only tell you that if I were in her shoes, and if I have my facts straight,
I'd have seen that as hugely negative. Don't know what your goal was there.
I feel like I need to catch her on not keeping me informed in the first place, but I'm not sure what to write. I was supposed to pick our son up from school and my wife hasn't bothered to arrange that either.
hmmm
first you know how the need to "catch her on this" sounds to me, right?
Yeah, like the old angry petty Alamo...
And btw, exactly what is to arrange, if she has him? You Just don't pick him up at daycare.
When is your time scheduled with him? Does this clearly interfere with that? IF so, let her know you'll pick him up at the usual time.
No blame or anger...just factual statements.
I agree 25. I have let slip my resolute self. For some reason I've allowed my emotions affect my judgement and demeanor. BY doing so, I've allowed myself to be like putty in my wife's hands. Time to get cracking on the skills that I seemed to have such a firm grasp as little as 6 months ago.
Perhaps I'm also on edge as much as she is, in lieu of her move.
SO... to answer some of your questions and concerns:
- I was trying to ask if I should "catch her on this", similar to how you've suggested "calling her on this crap" back in Feb and even many times before that. For once, I thought I felt like I needed to spotlight what my wife was doing, rather than letting it go. Within that context, I've noticed that my wife's level of communication with me (which used to be minimal) has turned to almost zero in the past couple of months.
- Taxes. Like myKarma, I was the sole breadwinner last year. Her income were through her loans and perhaps financial support from her parents. She hasn't had a paycheck since 2007. I told my wife that she can have the money BUT only when she's within the family unit, not outside. I might be misguided, but my principle is -- just like everything else -- my wife left this family. She lost privilege to anything she left behind. The example I like to use is like when someone leaves their job (quit, retired, laid off or even a no-show), the company requires that they leave company property behind. There was a contract signed when the "relationship" started and when you end that, you take your things, but you leave behind whatever was created during that "relationship". A little off topic: As much as I've liked to have put that refund into savings, like clockwork (like my life couldn't get more complicated) my car transmission decided to die, and my cellphone went south, all while recovering financially from being between work (it was a short period, but California is bloody expensive!). Needless to say, it was useful.
- Why I have 30% time with our son. Answer: It was self-imposed by my wife when she first left the house. I journaled about it here, I recall; it was probably one of my first few posts. I called 911 but I was told that they can't take action because there was no legal bindings in place at that time. Initially I created a parenting schedule, but she refused to sign it. Last week she came back and told me that I had actually agreed on that time ratio when she asked and only started requesting 50:50 when I obtained a lawyer. To the former, I'm quite sure that I was still in a fog/daze/disillusionment over the whole incident. I felt powerless, so even if what my wife says is true, I didn't know what to do. To the latter, I did NOT begin asking for 50:50 only when I got a lawyer. I started hearing friends/books/articles to take stock of how much time our son is with his mom. A fact that I didn't know at that point was when they said that I needed to count the time our son is at daycare as well. So put that altogether and we have 70:30 in favor of my wife. Ever since then, I've asked her numerous times (in writing) to consider something more balanced, but she has refused to even offer me an answer.
All said, I want to thank you 25/MK and so many others for checking in on my thread this week. Those 2x4s are great reminders to me that I have much to work on. AND, I always appreciate a wise lady's perspective. Sometimes I forget to see it from my wife's perspective. Sometimes I forget that my wife was/is a wife of a recovering porn addict and that in itself brings a lot of its own kind of pain/hurt with it.
