Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Thanks for the reply MrBond...I can certainly see her using it as a security/justification mechanism.

Actually just got off an interesting call with the W. Spoke to her earlier about some kids stuff and she mentioned she was having a really hard day...at first I dismissed it and was trying to be detached by ending the call early and being the one to hang up...but in thinking about it, thought it might provide a 180 chance for me to be the one she could vent and just talk to about her hard day. So texted her that I was willing to listen if it would help and she called.

She basically said it was hard because she talked to OM today and he was upset (real 180 chance because I don't like listening to her issues with him, so I just went with it). He said it is hard for him because his family and friends are on him for the relationship he is pursuing and he feels he really can't talk to W anymore until W figures out her own stuff (I think really meaning until we are D), so W is upset because she has seen OM as her venting person and someone who listens and tells her things will be OK eventually and then she just enjoys talking with (and of course W sees a future "real" relationship with). So I just listen and add in some positive "mmm hmm, go on, yup". So I feel good chance for 180 and to show I can be one to listen and let her vent, even about OM (and I make sure to add in an "I am sure we will both be OK eventually toward the end). It felt like a decent conversation, sharing some views and points calmly, her asking me some questions and me answering somewhat carefully when needed. Takes a turn toward a fight toward the end with her baiting on feeling scared of me, whole father/daughter relationship and me controlling things. I try to validate her feelings a bit and tell her I can see and understanding where she is coming from...get drawn into it a little, but decide to end it before going too deep.

Question for the boards:
So end of the call W is getting into attack mode about how she doesn't feel it is fair that I am staying in the bed and in the house all the time because I know she feels uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed with me. She thinks I am controlling her by forcing her to sleep on the couch or elsewhere and it is effecting her health. I counter that I am not controlling her or telling her what she needs to do or where she needs to go, the home and bed are hers as well as mine and she is welcome to them both now as we go though this...but I also don't feel I need to leave either of them because of her choices or comfort level..this is where I feel and know it is heading for a fight and I end the call as gracefully as I can.

So I guess the question or validation I am looking for is for my position. I feel I am not pressuring her by my words or actions about R, I keep things pleasant and calm at home, make and get dinner, etc. No ILY, no physical contact and in many ways try to keep things "like normal". I agree we both own the home and bed, and have made it clear she is welcome to use and be in both...but I also don't feel I should be kicked out of my bed or home for any regular period of time (even some weird 50/50 schedule) because of her choices and her comfort level. She said she feels that because I am going to be the one to keep the home, it seems like I am trying to lay down the rules and it is my way or the highway...I disagree that I am telling her in any way what to do, but also will not necessarily be told what to do either. This is not a power or control thing for me...really a principal thing that I don't feel I should be chased out (or made uncomfortable by ridding the couch) because of her choices/comfort level.

So any thoughts for or against my position?

I can see myself offering her the bed from time to time, but don't want to roll over or make things "easy" for her in all her choices.