Brand New here, my story, my ?'s

[Ichrus]

Updating and Journaling.

So after reading the end of my last post and thinking about it, I decided to try to "act as if" things were going to be ok at home that night and tried to not mind read or create too many "what if" scenarios and to just see what came from a detached place. There was no blow up or fight or anything, hit up the gym, came home, W went off to sleep at her moms. She sleep there all of last week (sleeping on their couch) and came home exhausted, run down and sick the whole time. I feel bad about it because I don't like to see her suffer, but more strongly feel that these are her choices to make and her own costs to pay.

Don't know if it counts at GAL or 180 or what, but we were not really planning anything special for St. Paddy's day, but I saw friends posting about their fun plans or activities for the kids and I decided "why not make this is a much more fun, magical day for my lil munchkins". Swung by the party store on the way home for a few items. ended up making mini pots of gold (lemon jello in hallowed out limes) as a treat and after kids went to bed put leprechaun hat and beard cutouts over a few of the kids pictures on the walls, did a string maze for each D that lead to a mini bubble gun (they are into bubbles lately). W had the idea to party streamer their doorways, so I went out late to get that along with some Krispy Kreams for the morning, green dye in the milk, those sorts of things. Kids loved it and had an exciting morning.

W ended up staying home Fri night and seeing how sick and run down she really was I offered to sleep on the couch that night to let her get some real rest while making it clear this was not going to be a regular thing. Again, I feel a bit strongly that if she is uncomfortable in our home and around me, and she is the one who wants to leave the M, she can be the one to deal with her comfort levels and either sleep on the couch or at her mom's. I have let her know she is welcome to sleep next to me in the bed (I won't bother her or try anything), or on the couch or at her moms and that I don't really care which way she goes. She did end up staying Sat and Sun night as well (says even on our couch she just sleeps better then at her moms house).

Had an interesting night last night, I went out to get us dinner after the kids went to bed, got home and W was on talking on her cell in our room. Tried to be as detached and non-caring as I could, but realize I am not fully there yet (at least not last night because of going over some separation logistics earlier in the day as well), she had the door cracked open and was not being overly quite in her conversation...was not snooping (well at least not too much), but could tell she was talking to OM. Again, tried to be detached, but it really bothered me that she would be on such a long call (1.5 hrs at least) in our home while I was there as well. I decided to call her on it and basically knocked on the door, told her "I know how things are and where they are heading, but I find it extremely rude and disrespectful that she would be on this kind of call while I am around, and if she needed to speak with OM so much, could she do it somewhere else or while I was not around."

I was angry, but polite, and we got into a bit after she hung up. Not great DB'ing I know, and a backslide...but it seemed we both had some things we needed to share and get into. She did apologize and said she normally doesn't speak with him when I am around, and I acknowledge that and asked that it be that way all the time. She said she was scared of me, I was a bit taken back and I asked why and what is she scared of (have never been physical toward her, we haven't gotten into too many big verbal blow ups) and she couldn't nail it down at first but later in the talk said she felt like we had more of a father daughter dynamic and she was sacred of getting caught and yelled at (she has made it clear she hated growing up with her own father and even now is intimidated by him...and she has compared me quite a bit to him in many ways). This point certainly gives me more to think about and dig into personally for my future interactions with W as well as my relationship to my kids and future romantic interests. I feel I am already making great changes for the better in my attitude and interactions with my kids...but I will need to expand that certainly to other areas of my life...for me.

Shared that I really hope that she will be able to find what she needs on this path she seems set on taking, but that I don't think what she will find is what she has pictured. She was curious about that and asked me to go on...I explained that some of my personal growth thru this all has lead me to understand and believe that happiness and love are not found or stumbled upon really, that true happiness and love always come from within ourselves and we each have to work to make them happen. Other people and things can certainly be involved in that, but ultimately it falls to each of us. I let her know that I felt she might think leaving me and going to OM was her doing something to make herself happy, but I believe reality and life would quickly breakthrough the fairytale and things were probably not going to work out how she thought. She did not get as defensive or fight back as much as I thought she might, and shared things with OM were not all roses and he was questioning her and not believing her about things already. She asked me not to contact or confront him about anything, and I said I had thought about it in the past, but likely would not because I don't really see them lasting anyway and he wasn't worth my time (said very matter of factly, which seems to throw her off as well and had her asking for more details on why I felt that way). Shared that I felt his actions of knowingly pursuing a married women and, however indirectly they want to believe, being some part of helping to break up a family spoke more to his character to me then his words and I felt the reality of life and dating (living on her own, with 3 kids, etc.) would hit them both fairly fast and hard anyway. Again it seemed to make her pause and think more and she confided that she was afraid that if things did not work out with OM, she would be left all alone.

So W is super confused, conflicted, feels pressured from all sides (OM, her mom, work, family, me too), it is taking its toll on her physically and mentally. I hate seeing her in pain, but in some ways I am glad this is hard for her because to me it shows she is struggling with the questions and issues and she might be realizing more and more the real costs to everyone involved. I have to say I felt positive overall about the night and conversation (even if I deserve some 2x4's). W said she had thought about it being easier to just throw away D paperwork she got and move forward and mentioned at another point going out to live on her own a few months and realizing things were different then she thought and maybe wanting to come back. I said that I was not going to be hanging around as a safety net for her, and I was working toward making my own choices to grow and become better and moving forward with my life as I choose...that if we decided to look at having some sort of new R together (because old M is certainly dead already), it would have to be something we both decided and we would both certainly have a lot of work to do toward anything like that.

So I am glad she is questioning and looking at things, trying to not expect anything really or read too much into anything. Feel I need to back way off again, focus on myself, GAL, being a great father and just keep going forward.