You can be there for son and let him know in words and actions how much YOU love him. Not much more.
15 is a very difficult age. My daughter got into trouble at school at that age as well. She struggled so much with what happened to her when her dad left. My kids have me. The like my new BF. They spend all holidays with us. Their dad has now asked them to accept OW and spend some holidays at his house. They have just laughed him off. D says "As if I could just forget that OW broke up our family and I would want her in my life. Not happening!". I tell the kids that I will support their decision on it no matter what.
I understand everything that you are saying. Wish I could tell you it would get better but it's not likely. And not for a long, long time.
The key is to take the emotion out of it. I stuck with the negotiations and cried through so much of our mediation. He was cruel. If he does not sign in due course he could be held in contempt. Don't expect change. I think they pull away from the life they knew as they feel they have to. Does time change them? I think when the heat of it all has died down - they do have some regret and the anger subsides. Do I think he will ever be the person I knew? Do I think he got what he deserved? Do I have regrets? I regret that this happened to me. We can't control someone else.
Hard to take emotion out of it, even though I'd have been better off if I could have. I just couldn't 'accept' that she was actually doing what she was. My heart hurt throughout the entire process. She was cruel and heartless throughout...still is. I never did sign the divorce decree...I refused. I saw change in her, but it was change for the worse... They do pull away...they do whatever is necessary to go through with it. Not her...she's still resentful to the Nth degree. I'd like to see that...but I'm not holding my breath. I don't think she'll ever be the person I knew. I think she got a lot more assets than she deserved. I've got tons of regrets...and I find it hard to live with how I was back then. I regret that she was on the receiving end of my stupidity, I regret for my kids the loss of their family, and I regret that any of the bad stuff happened. We can only control ourselves.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Cant sleep tonight..its been awhile since ive been up in the middle of the night worrying about the situation... I ran into STBX and his ow yesterday morning sitting in the starbucks drive threw. It totally threw me for a loop...have been in a funk ever since. For the past month it seems like everytime I leave the house I run into him or her or both of them together and Im not sure if I can keep dealing with that.
Cant believe its only been 4 1/2 months since I found out about her..feels like a lifetime. 6 1/2 since D bomb and when I think back on my life 8 months ago it just boggles my mind. Life can flip on a dime.....some days I think Im still in shock, others I think I never really had the life I thought I had and the last 19 years have been a complete sham..
just venting, not sure what the point of this is other then to get it out of my head so I can sleep..
hope everyone had a good weekend..
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
All I can say is I understand. It does feel a little better writing on this blog if only to get thoughts out and vent. It is amazing how fast life can change. And the confusion is the biggest hurdle for me. A very wise friend once told me to stop trying to make sense of chaos because you can't. It helps me to say this every once in a while. Hang in there.
I can't overemphasize enough just how important it is to take the best care of yourself possible throughout all of this. Go to the gym if you can, or get any form of regular exercise that you can. Take some doxylamine about 30 minutes before bedtime...you can get it OTC at Wal-Mart. it's hard to accept that you have no control at all over another, especially in these situations, but you do have control over you. So exercise what control you do have. Take care of you, first and foremost...now that you're in this situation. I'm very sorry that you're having to deal with this painful stuff.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
itm, you wrote: "the last 19 years have been a complete sham.."
but it wasn't *all* of those years, right? I thought, from what you wrote previously, that the affair only started during your separation. and that before then there were other problems (his drinking) but not infidelity.
and if so, it's not like the *whole* 19 years were a sham. they were problematic, and maybe during the last year or two he was carrying on with ow. but if I understand correctly, then at first your marriage was ok, and it is only in the past few years that he changed. (and it's a shame that he changed like that, but if he is giving you up, then it is his loss!)
thanks guys...before all of this I was an avid workout freak!!..I did Crossfit 4xs a week and a runner, ran every day. For the past 6 months I have been speratic at best. Last week I started back up with my Crossfit 3xs a week and am trying to get back regular with my running..it really does make me happy to be out running when the sun comes up... just seems like I havent been able to find my happy in anything anymore, I know that will get better and Im makeing an effort to get up and out weither I want to or not..its just always in the back of my head...I hate that !! Ive started Alanon about 3 months ago and go pretty regularly, its helped alot!! For some reason today I have had this uncontrolable urge to call him and just talk ...trust me, I wont do it but I miss just talking to him about my day, about the boys, about stupid stuff that we would just laugh like crazy at... I am very aware that he does not care about that stuff anymore, but as for me, Im not the kind of person who can just turn off 19 years like they never happened ....maybe I should become an alcoholic, that apparently has made it possible for him to do as he pleases and not have any acountability...must be so nice to be him...and this is sooooo not what Al Anon would support..:) Need to get some sleep tonight and start over tomorrow!!
Me:48 H:42 M: 18 yrs. S: 9/1/09 due to alcoholic H D bomb: 9/9/11 OW confirmed 10/30/11 D papers filed 11/01/11 S15 S21(Special needs) S28
Look to yourself, It is there that all your answers are found...
I don't know if this will help you or not. I haver been divorce a bit over 3.5 years. He cheated, I didn't want the divorce as I wasnted to keep our family together and move past it. He chose not to and went on to marry his affair partner.
I was very angry and hurt(still am at times but don't dwell on it)in the beginning. Now we aren't friends but we can talk about the kids and basketball and most of the stuff we talked about before the divorce. Strange to me. However, it is what it is. The kids come first.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
