So w came by last night to drop off s, didn't stay long because she had work to do coming off of spring break. Handed a check over to her and she said "what's this for?".....I said I would get her the other half before the month is out. It's always an odd transaction - handing those checks over - and I can tell that she feels a little awkward or uncomfortable receiving them.
So something has been rushing through my mind since we had that long talk on her patio last week. Before I go into this, let me clearly state that it isn't a point of anger - or something I even plan on bringing up with w at all. I am just trying to figure out "why" this is and if anyone else has experienced it.
So as I posted previously, it is very clear that w and I were BOTH struggling to survive after bomb was dropped - and especially after she moved out. She wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was falling into depression and so was I.
After some of our MC sessions I really walked away with the feeling that she really, REALLY thought I was hostile towards her during that period and just LOOKING for ways to be hurtful towards her - "ruin her life" as she said.
I have told her a few times that I was running a full spectrum of emotions - and yes, that DID include anger from time to time (especially when it had to do with custody matters) but overpowering sadness and depression were by FAR the dominant emotions for me. I was really doing my best to get my feet on the floor in the morning and make it to my office.....and take care of my son when I had him. I wasn't "plotting against" my w at all. I think she really believes that I was actively looking for ways to make her life uncomfortable - looking for ways to hurt her.....and I think she STILL believes this about that period in time.
What she doesn't know - or can't see at the moment is the fact that I was a complete train wreck emotionally and was just trying to take care of myself and my son and stop hurting. I did not have the slightest bit of malicious intent towards her at all - I wasn't LOOKING to hurt her.
I can't help but wonder why she believes that? Is it that it is easier to leave someone that you think is trying to hurt you than it is to leave someone who is crushed and hurting that you are gone? Her peception of my thoughts and actions at that time are not reflective of what was actually going on (it's all well documented in older threads).
Is this something I should just let go of? I am thinking that it is. I think "old" me would have really fought to get her to see that I wasn't trying to destroy her - because I wasn't. Now I am beginning to see that I may never change that perception in her head/heart and it may not be worth addressing at all.
I guess when it comes down to it, it bothers me that she really believes that I was "out to get her" in some manner or another and looking to make her suffer.
