Not sure where to start

[25yearsmlc]

Dear WishingHoping (WH)

I'm so sorry for your pain.

You may want to decode this site a bit more and put things in your signature block like "married 12 years, one son, 10, daughter 4," and ages of all, etc.

Then list the bomb drop day or comment he made, ("Div Bomb & date, how he worded it, etc)

so It will help future posters to recall your situation and go from there.


Also post in small paragraphs b/c they are so much easier to read. So that's my "tech" advice.

MY DB advice is to check out those 37 rules which were assembled by some DBers, including Sandi and are based on the Divorce Busting approach.

Please read the book that forms the basis of this solution based approach. The sequel is better imo, & that's the Divorce Remedy book. Either will help you realize that

what your h SAYS at the moment can change. It will. You'll feel confused & hurt. All you can work on is YOU and you are all you can control. Let go of what you cannot control and life will get better-I promise you.

SIDENOTE***(Solution based approach means instead of rehashing the past or how you got here or who is mostly to blame, or what happened in your childhood OR bashing the spouse, which a lot of marriage counselling can do...
you work on what behaviors help your marriage and see which ones hurt it;
then you take the simple but radically different approach in therapy and

you do more of what helps the relationship and less or none of what hurts it.)**

You know You are the mother of his children. You always will be. But for you to restore your marriage,

He'll have to believe that marriage to you can be better or different

for him to want to return.

That means YOU will have to demonstrate change in YOU...

even if "he's the problem"...why? B/c YOU are trying to save the marriage.

You are here posting. Your husband is not. So all we can help you with is you.

And you are the only thing you can control here. Learn to back off his words for they can be meaningless. HE'll speak with clarity he does not feel.

Believe nothing he SAYS and only half of what he DOES...and take time to read the materials suggested AND this site will help you a lot.

Also, SEE a Lawyer. It does not require you DO anything but you need information and you can see that as empowering. Knowledge is power.

I found myself reassured by seeing a Lawyer, and less frightened. It made me feel free to choose to remain married rather than forced...make sense?

Plus, and don't freak, chances are your h has given this far more planned out thought than you realize.

Men tend to make more financial plans than women who want out, do.

Arm yourself with information of how to help your marriage AND how to protect your legal/financial interests. And your children's.

You need say nothing to your h about seeing a lawyer. I suggest you stay silent on that until IF and WHEN you receive legal papers yourself.

Even a third of divorces filed in my state, end up not being completed...people reconcile at the last minute or when reality hits them.

But you still have to protect your kids and yourself.

And work on you. What does your husband SAY his concerns are with YOUR behavior?

Are any of those claims at all valid? If so, work on them. Without telling him,

Show him YOU are awakening...changing &

that you are becoming a woman only a fool would leave.

And keep us posted! The more you post the faster your words show up here and the sooner you'll be taken off moderation.

Which means you'll get replies faster too.

Hang in there and do not give up!