Obviously yesterday I was on the emotional side...no sleep from the night out with my S24...still adjusting to a new mindset on this sitch...having some "well meaning" people who have never lived this type of sitch question my integrity.
No one said this was going to be easy, and it isn't.
When you love someone your whole adult life, and finally get to the point where you can set them adrift, wish them well, still love them in your own way, and finally see the new life in front of you, it can be stunning in its impact, and sometimes the smallest nudge can set off a wave of emotions.
When you live with your S in this sitch, and then you reach this point, they are still there in contact with you on a daily basis, it can get quite confusing. Before, when there were signs of a new M life showing it was completely laced with my intentions - hoping that would lead to a R. Letting that control me was destroying my life, and I have the kids to think about.
Reaching this point in this sitch, finally understanding and reaching a new state of mind is necessary. If you live with your S still then there are new hurdles to understand and find a way to live with.
W went back on her meds per her docs orders and she was different than has been the case for a couple of weeks. Yestereday she was seemingly very happy. I had finished remodeling a master bath and she was really getting off on decorating it. She worked on projects, cleaned the house a lot, seemed bouyant all day. She got her hair cut back to the 80's pixie spiked punk sytle she used to have and looked like she did when I first knew her, and she seemed excited about the new/old look. All good for her and I'm glad for her.
I don't have the specific details of how this will play out. Primarily, I want her to find herself, and get past the diagnosis's she has, and be fulfilled in her life. At this point she is living here. At some point our life paths are going to require some decision made on living arrangements.
For now, she keeps reaching out to me in ways to get her answers and I'm happy to be her sounding board. This does seem to be helping her, and I am making sure my path is not seen as an agressive response to her because it isn't.
Over the weekend two of my sons came to me separately and both had pretty much the same questions about their Mom. They felt that they have reached out for even more than the past year and were commenting that they can't reach her, that they can't even remember when they had a real conversation with her. If my boys were little I might have been able to shield them from a lot of the daily impact of this. Since they're older and pretty with it they saw it all unfold in front of them. I'm giving them the same advice I give myself...that she really does love them more than anything....that she's at a place many people are at in their life...and despite the surface actions she is a great human being in pain...that if the conversations aren't there just be there for her and she will reach out...that she will always be their Mom and no matter the outcome here, she will always love them and needs them in her life, and she should be in their lives.
