I realize that my posts have not been very upbeat for quite a while, and that folks on this board are probably sick of hearing from me. For that I apologize.
I think I should probably go dark from everything and attempt to readjust my perspective, concentration and direction.
One last thought: Definition of Humiliation:
Finding out from somebody else that your XW moved in with her new OM within 24 hours of signing the papers. With a drive of 12 hours, she had to leave within minutues of hanging up the phone with me, her lawyer and the judge.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Don't worry about the posts a/c, that what this place is for.
I am sorry for you that things are so bizarre.
I am sure she thinks of you at times and cares about you. Even her attorney said so.
It's interesting that her one and only girlfriend noticed changes and has distanced herself.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Thought I would check in and say hello. Hope everyone is hanging in there as much as possible. I have not posted in quite a while.
Got legally separated in late January. Seven weeks later I have not heard one word from my XW. Last time I heard her voice was on a speakerphone in a courtroom. Sent her a settlement check immediately after the legal proceeding, and it got returned, as there was no one at the address to sign for it. Seems she moved a few hundred miles away to live with an old boyfriend. That did not take her long. Still have the check. Don't know where to send it, and she has not contacted me to tell me where she is.
Sent her a text last week, as it is the anniversary of her father's passing, and it has always been a rough time for her. She texted me back, thanking me, telling me her mother was ill. I responded in a kind fashion. Nothing since.
I am backsliding today. I have been moving forward, GAL, trying to get back on track. Today I realize that I must be the worst thing that every happened to her, a true black mark in her life. I am stunned by the feeling that she hates me and truly wants nothing to do with me ever again. And this is after all the platitudes about not wanting to lose me or my family, that she loves me and doesn't want to me out of her life. Blah, blah, blah. All lies. I just cannot get over the fact that we shared 20 years together and she can just toss me out like so much garbage. Feeling pretty small and sh*tty.
Sorry. Thanks for listening.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
"Today I realize that I must be the worst thing that every happened to her, a true black mark in her life."
Bullsh*t. You have nothing to be ashamed of. She left her H to go to an old BF. It's not all your fault. If she was really that miserable why did she stay married to you for so long?
I don't care what they say about how they've "always" been miserable in the M, etc. That's all script. You've done your best to be the best man you can.
She, on the other hand, has run away to a place where you don't even know.
Be proud that you are the man you are. Wear it as a badge of honor.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You might want to contact the courts regarding attempts to deliver. That way it's on record that you tried vs. having to defend yourself in court.
That is crap, AC... re: her living sitch...
Emotional back slides will happen and everyone needs their own time. Please don't own the stuff you are trying to put into your head. It's that part of the brain that tries to hold our balance in things that are moral and ethical and it's working over time. It's time to allow your defence mechanism to engage and balance it out.
Take care of yourself. Get your mind off those negative thoughts.
I am stunned by the feeling that she hates me and truly wants nothing to do with me ever again. And this is after all the platitudes about not wanting to lose me or my family, that she loves me and doesn't want to me out of her life. Blah, blah, blah. All lies. I just cannot get over the fact that we shared 20 years together and she can just toss me out like so much garbage. Feeling pretty small and sh*tty.
Oh I know this feeling well. I received that script from my w. Even after a year - it still hurts that my w made those same decisions.
What really helps me is just GALing with all the people who DO want me to be part of their life.
It was hard at first as in some ways it was constant reminders that people I didn't know half as well... loved me twice as much as my w.
But after time and constant effort to see the glass as half full - I really began to enjoy all the new relationships I was building.
Now when I want to enjoy life - I think to call them first vs. wife...
... and when I need support - I think to call them first vs. wife..
... maybe that is me finally accepting where she is.. but there are very few times in my life now when she is first person I've wanted to reach out to.
You will get there too...just put in the effort.
Put in the effort to not believe her lies about YOU. Put in the effort to build relationships with others.
And over time the sad days turns into moments....
... the pain of your sitch lessens...
.. and you will enjoy life once again.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
AC, I have to go with what Bond, Kaffe and Val posted. All good advice. Allow me to echo some of that also.
I heard the same platitudes the same commitments and I heard the same BS. I have the same BS in parting letters. It is all anger, delusion and script. It has caused each of us to examine ourselves and our lives. We have all honestly put in work to correct that which we found true. The thing we found lacking. We will never truly be done for life goes on and we grow continually.
That said do not give her more power. She left; she ran away, she abandoned her commitment. From my background from my upbringing, from my training that makes her less and not worthy.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Thank you all so much for your support and words of wisdom. I am doing my best to GAL and move on in life. Have to do so, as I have no choice and cannot dwell in the past.
I have been operating on the idea that my XW's severe depression drove her to make decisions she needed to make to get herself moving forward. I now wonder about that,and am becoming convinced that this was all part of her game plan, and that I was just standing in her way. I guess she never was happy with our relationship, and I just represented a 20 year holding pattern for her. How very sad. I will always love her, as stupid as that sounds, and I hope she finds what she is looking for. I am awestruck by the way things have proceeded, and need to get over that feeling. She does not love me, probably never did, and certainly has no need for me in her life. Just a concept that is a bit difficult to get your head wrapped around.
One step at time. What does not kill you makes your stronger, or so I hear.
Thanks for listening, and thanks for your continued support.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
