Outside the Scope of This Report Part 3

[WenikiTiki]

Hi snodderly and beatrice,

All good points. I do feel very much like I'm going round and round. I know talking to him doesn't work. And reading books on fixing my relationship alone don't work. Might have worked 10 years ago......

The biggest, hugest question right now is: What are my long term goals? And that is the problem. I don't know. I actually stayed in bed this morning for 2 hours thinking. Deep thinking. And got no answer.

I need to know how much money I will have to make most of my decisions. And I have avoided getting a job because I don't know where I want to live. The hardest part for me is my adult children. I don't want to be away from them.

I want to be the grandma who is there. Not someone they see yearly. If I co to CA my kids want to come with me. And sadly none of them care much if they see H in the future. MY DIL is very unhappy about all this because her mom has been divorced 5 times. And I think she thought we were a very stable family to marry into.

I have been working on the donate piles. I did figure out one thing. I should get a storage unit and pack away all my keepsakes. One less thing to worry about when the house is being shown!

Okay, thanks for the pep talk. Off to lift weights.

[WenikiTiki]

So as I was headed out one of my friends called and asked me to meet her for lunch. So I lifted weights and then met her for lunch. Nice break. She and I have abusive mothers in common, which we sometimes talk about.

It is one of those topics that folks who grew up differently just don't understand. We don't harp on it, just understand each other better. I did a ton of thereapy to not ever be like my mom.

And the most important thing I know is my mom didn't choose to be that way. She had a horrible father, and her father had a horrible father. That was my perspective since I was about 30 and went into therapy. It is what kept me going back!

But I think I have lost myself in all this worrying to be the best mom I can be. My children have both expressed that they want to live near me. They want me in their lives.

I got away from my parents as soon as I could. And joined the military. Pretty much a greart excuse to be far away. I go visit my mom. But can never stay long. She is doing therapy herself, finally at age 76! She is making progress.

So I guess I need to just pick a course and get on it. I also packed up my go bag again. The absolute moment I feel the overwhelming urge to talk to H about anything I will jet out of here. Starbucks?

I loaded up the freezer with 2 each of 8 different frozen dinners. And I bought his other essentials. He can eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. There is also stuff to make regular meals, so plenty of choices.

I also wanted to say to kml that I heard what you said about maybe the house is more important to H than I know. And I was thinking that maybe he is actually a little over-sensative in that area.

Whenever I tell friends that he is complaining about the house they fall over laughing. Once a group of 25 of us were headed out sailing for a Christmas party. The weather turned to crap and we were near my house. I invited everyone over, and all I had to do was call my son and ask him to vacuume up the leaves on the Lanai. (That the darn dogs drag in for doggie fun....)

I think he is just doing that thing MLC folks do and making me the bad guy however he can. And I just need to not let myself get so wrapped up in his brand of crazy.

[BeingMe]

Gosh! Wendy, the sooner you detach the better, but you are handling things very well, from what I can read. We all have those "little discussions" with our H's which lead nowhere. Just have to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow, you will do better. I would say, plan to get as high an alimony as you can get. Of course, half his pension is yours too, I assume. So, I don't think you'll have too many concerns about money (although, I don't pretend to know about your financial affairs, but if this is how it is, then I think you should be okay). If the house sells (which I assume you will get half of the profit), then you can always rent, until you know where you want to set down roots. And, it is a good idea to store away precious items where they can't be damaged. His wanting to be away while you have to handle the cr@ppy job of tenting the house for termites is ridiculous. But, as a military wife, that's what he expected when he was away. Everything perfect when he got home.

I agree that you should wait for the house to be empty before tenting, and darn it, he should be there throughout the process of selling. My H and I are intending to sell our house as well, but I've decided that until he is here on a longer basis, there is no point in me rushing around, keeping the house and huge garden perfect for potential buyers. Not going to happen! I don't care if the house gets sold, for one thing, and I have better things to do with my time, for another. He's hardly here, so it's not as if I'm taking care of him. It's quite convenient, really.

I'm off to bed, so g'night y'all.

[WenikiTiki]

So as I am moving along this path, I get a little push from an unexpected place. One of my old high school friends called. I dated him briefly my senior year. I got him a job where we worked together 2 years. I managed 2 car wash/gas stations when I was 18-20.

He was tragically orphaned, loosing both parentd in an 18 month period. He had a lot of crap to work through, and is a nice guy now. Back then he was angry at the world. I used to have a standing date with him, every year we would drive over to Sacramento and I would help him pick out new clothes.

He still jokingly calls me "Mother Wendy". Anyway, he said he hates to know I'm in pain. And it has been more than a year. And the last time he spoke with my H (1997) he was alarmed at how "wooden" he was. My old friend thinks the militery changed my H......

And thinks I am not taking care of myself, I am putting everyone first and he wants to know when will I put myself first? So these are not new thoughts. They just sound different coming from my close friend.

He also gave me a pep talk about how he views me. (Genuine, outgoing, talented artist, caring.......) And he thinks I need to move somewhere where I can bloom.

My sister has also expressed that she wonders what I would be doing as an artist if I were free to do so.

Last night my H came home from the party. I ended up not going out, just didn't feel like watching folks get drunk. When he came in he said "Wha'ca watchin'? I said "The Mentalist". I didn't say anything else, didn't ask him to join me.

He came back through a few times, I kept quiet, he finally went to the other room and watched TV by himself. Later he came up and asked me how I liked the color he picked to paint the walls by the pool. I said it was nice.

This morning I slept in, and got up because I heard H banging around in the kitchen. I peeked out and he was cooking. He asked me did I want an omlette, and I said yes. (This is something he does about once every 6 months, makes us omlettes.)

I thanked him and am moving on with my day.

[WenikiTiki]

Baby Steps, Baby Steps..... Not sure where they are leading me.

Today I was able to express my plans to move on and not get emotional. I asked my kids to come over tonight and we could make homemade pizza. (Checked with H first, in case he didn't feel like all the noise and crazy that come with everyone being here.)

I was on the phone with my oldest son firming up the plans and I said to him that I wanted him to look at some houses I saw in the area of CA I keep wanting to move to. I was near my H and he heard me talking. I told my son about some of my options, and my son said he would talk to his W about her thoughts.

My H then asked me about my conversation. I told him what I'm thinking. Then he said something about our DIL. I told him point blank: "She is upset because we are splitting up and she wants to move someplace where she can see her mom, too."

H said: "But she doesn't get along with her mom." I agreed and just said she needs to live close enough to visit more often.

But I was proud of being able to say these things, and I guess I really am moving on. Heck, what choice do I have. As these things are playing out in my hear I have stupid lines from songs playing in my head.

I keep hearing "In a Big Country" the line "But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered."

I have many frinds here, my quilting friends. But most of them are way older than me. My friends in CA, where I went to high school and college, are my age and I think in the long run would be better for me.

I went to a small high school, and we were very close. I have been in charge of the reunions all these years, still have kept in contact with many of them.

Anyway, thanks everyone for keeping repeating the messages. The things I need to do are finally becoming clear.

[WenikiTiki]

Just journaling a little here......

I may have goofed, but if so it was an accident and PROOF I am really detached.

Evidently my H shaved his silly goatee off Thursday morning. And I quit getting up and seeing him off this week. And Thursday evening he was telling me to get the house tented while he was gone, and I noticed him smile, but was too annoyed to pay attention.....

I didn't notice my H had shaved off his goatee untill about an hour ago when we were playing a family game of Scrabble. And none of the kids noticed either. And he told us NO ONE at work noticed, and that he had given a briefing to a large group on Thursday.

Funny, because he said so many people had complimented him on the goateec. If so you think someone, anyone, would have noticed it being gone. He looks 10 years younger without it.

I think I didn't notice because I have been trying not to look at him when he is near me. It hurts me to see him. So I actually look away. So that is a pretty good job I've done of detaching....... Or I am going blind.

[4myfamily]

Hi Wendy,

sounds like you are heading in the right direction.

I have found 'The Stop Walking On Eggshells Workbook' By Randi Kreger & James Paul Shirley to be very helpful in showing you how to work on yourself, detach and set and enforce boundaries.

It is written for those of us who think we may be dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder, but there are so many similarities between BDP and MLC that I feel the advice is good for both.

It contains practical action steps which are a proactive way of working on yourself.

[WenikiTiki]

Hey 4myfamily!

I will get that book. I woke up this morning and wondered when I would get my old self feeling back. I am avoiding my H, so am staying in bed.

He appears to be trying to be more kind, he keeps 'letting' me have the dogs in 'my' bedroom. He doesn't see how it hurts when he talks like that.

Last night he went to bed before the kids left, it was late. He went around the room and hugged everyone. Rather than get left out I scatted to the bathroom. Maybe he was going to hug me, too. Probably not and I couldn't stand the hurt.

My oldest son and DIl came over again this morning, I have my granddaughters for awhile. They are part of what upsets me, I just want to be near them!

But practical action steps and proactive working on myself seems just the ticket!

Thanks!

[WenikiTiki]

I forgot to say that on my secret list of things my H would have to do for me to believe he was starting to think about me and that there was any chance for us to R was for him to shave off that goatee.

How funny that I didn't notice.

Maybe he realized how much it aged him. I won't read too much into his having gotten rid of it, after being so enchanted with how good he thought it looked!

[BeingMe]

Ha! That is funny, that no-one noticed his ex-goatee, and the white spot that remained ... or was there no white spot?

You're not going to tent the house when he's gone, are you? Please tell me NO. He's not your boss, he's your H, and these things need to be discussed, not ordered.

I'm the same. I try not to look at my H when he's around. I dreamt about him last night ... can't remember the details, but whenever I dream about him, I feel sad the next day.

Oh well. Take care.