I never tire of thanking each and everyone who stops by my thread. I know you all can relate to the sense of belonging and encouragement I get from all your support.
I am so fortunate and honored to have you all to share this journey with.
Thanks for the new book recommendations. I will definitely pick these up. I am almost done with the Dance with Anger, which I started on Friday night.
Today is Sunday afternoon... Yesterday we had a big, grey and windy storm (unusual for Southern Ca). And today the sun is shining. And I feel the same way.
My most recent storm, or stumble in my road to becoming a better me has been painful, but I am happy to say I am feeling much better. I have been reading, praying, meditating and getting in touch with the fear and hurt and anger that has been affecting me for the last few weeks.
I have come to terms with the fact that my H's actions and his motivation for them are not my problem. Yes, his actions may affect me financially and yes, things might be tough for a while, but I am getting my focus back on what I want out of all of this. I have said since he left that I will not fight for money and it's time to prove it with actions.
My D seems imminent, and as 25 put so eloquently, it does seem like my H is intent to follow thru with it. And I am accepting it. Part of my anger in the last month was my reluctance to do so and my desire to keep controlling what I can't. And yet, it is not something I want, so I have decided to let him take the lead back on this. I had been doing so until I felt threatened financially by his actions and I realize that I have been really taking charge of the lawyers, meetings, and process. My H seems happy to sit back and wait for me to act.
I have been saying that I will not let myself react to financial pressures, and I realize I was. So after much prayer and meditation and self-introspection, I have decided to get back to what I believe in my heart is fair. Let H take the lead and when the time, comes, accept an agreement based on the formulas and laws of my state based on our situation. I will let my L lead the way and step aside. No more arguing with H about it.
As for the custody arrangement, we will be meeting with a co-partenting couselor this coming week. We will both get the opinion of an expert as to what she thinks is best for our kids at this time. I will approach this meeting with an open heart and faith that God will let me see what is the best for them. And I will have the strength to follow thru with however that looks like, regardless of what that means financially for me.
I am so fortunate to be prepared and healthy and a hard-worker and I will do what I need to do. On the other hand, I know that being with my kids is more important than any money and if we end up splitting custody 50/50 and I get a lot less money from my H, I will be ok. I can live modestly while they are young. IT will be temporary and they need my presence and love more than my (or my husband's) money. I am at peace now with this; I know that is what I am supposed to do.
I have been working a lot on letting go of the resentment against H for his actions lately. I am letting go of thoughts about his motivations. Those are his, good or bad and he will have to face himself for it.
I am focusing on my motivations, keeping them pure and honest and that is all I can do. So I am now showing my H that I respect him and whatever he decides to do with his journey. I have been polite and respectful during kids' exchanges this weekend and I sent him a text thanking him for hooking up the girls on skype so I could talk to them this morning.
My first full weekend w/o my kids has been a good one. Lots of reading, praying, meditating. I went for breakfast and shopping with one friend yesterday. Then went out for dinner with another girlfriend who is also going thru a D. :-(
This morning I went for breakfast with my mom and a cousin and this afternoon I am going to a Galaxy game - (hopefully the most beautiful man in the world will be there ;-)
And this evening my kids will be back. I am mentally prepared for a peaceful and pleasant interaction and exchange with my H.
This is the first step towards a truce and starting all over again. And that is ok with me. I feel so much better and at peace today than I have in the last month, and I want to build on it. I am getting rid of the resentment and dark stuff that I have been harboring inside of me during this Divorce phase.
It won't be easy, but I have to keep focused and confident that God is holding my hand. I have a lot of friends and family that are with me and will be there for me.
I am truly fortunate.
Thank you all.
KG --
Top 5 All Time DB posts I've read...
Thank YOU for showing us how it's done at its' best.
When you falter, come back and read your own inspired words here. Let them inspire you again, as they have inspired so many here.
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
