I still keep going...

[labug]

In the post I wrote, I had originally written "Were you abandoned as a child?" as the last sentence but deleted it.
Coda
I don't remember if I mentioned this before but Alanon and CoDa are great places to get the best free therapy anywhere. There may not be problems with alcohol in your immediate family but you were/are married to someone affected by alcohol. Give it a try.

I know it's difficult with young children but a lot of your issues are similar to that of an adult child of an alcoholic.

Stop the cycle.

[adinva]

That was a great post KG! You are so self-aware! Knowing so much about yourself is going to be the key. You're still lashing out with angry unproductive words but you know you're doing it and why, and that's huge!

I learned that I had anger too, although you'd never have known it and I'd never have thought it. Mine comes out in whistling, singing, ignoring, being cheerful, and other bizarre responses to extreme stress, but it's how I coped growing up. When people say you have to "work through" your anger I had no idea what that meant, still don't really get it, but I spent a whole hour of therapy on that question. What does working through it mean?

You have to identify and feel your anger - sounds like you do that really well. But - the way you let it out hurts you and others and is self-defeating (I wonder if a lot of your "I'm hurt that he is..." statements could have been rephrased as "I'm angry at myself because I see that he is..." - while you sound angry at him, I think some of it's directed at yourself). Anyway, feel it, establish how intense it is - do you fly off the handle at big things and small? Do you recognize that? Are you angry about the situation at hand or did it just stir up older emotions that are unfairly applied to this situation? Get to understand your anger. Consider journaling it.

Then, decide what you want to do with that. Your gut instinct may be to yell nasty words. Is that going to get you where you want? Is that who you want to be? What would be more productive to deal with the situation you're angry about. Maybe someone on the phone made you feel really angry, and your first inclination is to let her have it, really chew her out and make her feel small. Will that accomplish what you want?

If you can start to train yourself to wait when you feel angry, so you have time to understand the feeling and how you want to respond, you'll be able to make better decisions about how to respond productively. Try to remove yourself from the situation in order to respond later. Try it with little frustrations and recognize and feel good about small successes, and practice it more.

For me, I think journaling is the thing that would help the most. Other things that could help you work out the anger - exercise, walking, music, talking to someone.

My challenge is to have no expectations that I will receive any emotional support from them when I am going through the most difficult time in my life and need their love and support the most.

Be careful about setting up expectations you know are unrealistic and then railing against the unfairness. I am also going through a difficult time and have not talked to my parents about it. I need love and support, and I'm seeking it where I know I'll get it. This board is one place. Selected friends are another. T is another. NOT my parents, by my choice, because I know better.

I never learned to express my feelings in a positive way. I saw that either you shove them inside - like my dad, or you express your hurt by playing strong (meaning angry) to keep the boat afloat - like my mom.

I can relate to this. What can you do differently?

who didn't really know how to express her love and hurt to her husband in a positive, healthy way and is now suffering from his abandonment as well.

You're not a little kid anymore. Your relationship with H was as equals, and you're not powerless to him like a kid is to parents. Your behavior hurt him and he left in order to relieve his hurt. He didn't abandon you. The good news is that you got a huge wake up call and are working to solve your own problems. That is really good for your future. That is your power, and it's what you control.

I see him happy and how he has moved on with his life, while I struggle with my issues.

Is it too hard to imagine being happy that he's not in pain? Your struggle is not connected to his happiness, but you're trying to correlate them. You've got to focus on yourself separate from him.

He has a very solid R with OW. Someone who is helping him grow and become a better person. I am hurt that she is doing all these things for him that I strived to do and was not successful. Their R is a daily reminder of my own shortcomings and inadequacies and bring out my worst insecurities.

Can you let go of your anger at yourself? Can you forgive yourself? You didn't have the tools and skills you needed then, and you are getting them now. Be proud of yourself! You got dealt a difficult hand and you're trying to make it better.

A reminder of how I could not bring out the best in him and of how he was not willing to become a better person with me and for me. A reminder that he has ultimately moved on and is happy without me.

You're hurting yourself with this line of reasoning - can you get your focus back on improving yourself?

My H had also been angry with me ever since he left. He had admitted that he had not forgiven me, yet I think he is now trying to get to that point. I am hurt that he is overcoming his issues and I am not. I am hurt that he is reaching forgiveness and I have not.

Be more patient with yourself, and try to see what's good. Would you rather he not overcome his issues? Would you rather he not forgive? Get out of his sandbox and keep working in your own, at your own pace.

And because of this, I am also having a hard time forgiving myself. I struggle to shake the notion that I must have been this terrible monster during our marriage, because who would abandon a wife that is 2-months pregnant unless she was really that bad...

He did an awful thing. You're not the only one at fault. But that line of thought doesn't really help you either; just focus on where you go from here.

So my identified problems are:
- I need to learn to feel, accept and express all my emotions, specially hurt, in a positive way and not turn them into anger, so I can break the anger cycle that has prevailed in my family for generations now.

Maybe your hurt is really anger. Anger is OK. You need to be able to feel it. Have you read The Dance of Anger? I found it very helpful.

- I need to forgive myself so I can start creating and living the good life that I and my kids deserve

YES. How long would you like to wait before starting to create this good life? One year? Ten years? Now? Rise like a phoenix and make it happen.

I think that even spending this time writing about it, is a positive sign that maybe the worst of this crisis has passed.

I think you're awesome. What you're doing, some people never do, because they feel entitled to their anger and entitled to hurt other people with it. You don't want that. Keep growing, Keep Going.

[keep_going]

In the post I wrote, I had originally written "Were you abandoned as a child?" as the last sentence but deleted it.
Coda
I don't remember if I mentioned this before but Alanon and CoDa are great places to get the best free therapy anywhere.

labug - wow... your insight is amazing and I respect it and appreciate it.
In the past I have attended Gamanon - for relatives of gamblers (my mom). It helped tremendously. It was actually there that I began to understand all my issues with my mother. I stopped going when my son was born. But last night I looked into CoDa and there is a meeting near my house next Wednesday night. I am definitely going.

I think both my H and I have many co-dependent issues and I am ready to tackle mine! Thanks again. :-)

[keep_going]

Adinva

THANK YOU. You gave me so much to think about and a lot of what you wrote stung, so I know there is much to uncover there. I will try my best to peel some more layers here. Bear with me.

(I wonder if a lot of your "I'm hurt that he is..." statements could have been rephrased as "I'm angry at myself because I see that he is..." - while you sound angry at him, I think some of it's directed at yourself).

You are dead-on here. I need to change the internal dialogue and get to the root of the problem - learning to forgive and to love myself. Many times I am just hurt about how my behavior has hurt H and I turn it around and put it on him.

I have always been such an insecure person and my parents' placed a lot of expectations on me growing up.

Everyone always told me how lucky I was that H was with me. Sometimes I thought, hey - what about me? I am a catch too, he is lucky too to have me. But deep down, I never bought into it and him leaving solidifies that negative notion that I am unworthy.

So I need to uncover the issues, accept them and change them, not beat myself for it. I have done so much of that in my life already - with only very detrimental results.

For me, I think journaling is the thing that would help the most. Other things that could help you work out the anger - exercise, walking, music, talking to someone.

I have been going over some techniques with my C. For me, exercising, music and meditation work wonders. I have lacked the discipline (or hunger/motivation to change, maybe?), to be consistent with it. I need to overcome this mental laziness and practice things to change my responses and re-train my behavior. I think journaling will be huge as well. I think I have somehow started to do that here in the past couple of days

Be careful about setting up expectations you know are unrealistic and then railing against the unfairness. I am also going through a difficult time and have not talked to my parents about it. I need love and support, and I'm seeking it where I know I'll get it. This board is one place. Selected friends are another. T is another. NOT my parents, by my choice, because I know better.

Yep... I need to practice detachment from my parents' as well...

I can relate to this. What can you do differently?

You asked what can I do to express my feelings positively. I have never let myself be vulnerable. Still today, people say how strong I am and that I will definitely survive this. But a lot of it is really not strength, but me putting a wall so people don't see my flaws and reject me and I don't get hurt. I equate vulnerability with weakness. Saying "I love you" is putting myself on the line and opening up to someone not reciprocating.

Somewhere in one of your threads you touched on creating walls to avoid creating intimacy or showing vulnerability. It completely resonated with me.

My lack of vulnerability was one of H's big issues with me ever since we met. I can see that I really never worked on this during our marriage.

This is hard work, but I feel it will be key for me to be happy. I am definitely practicing first with my kids (easier because small children always show unconditional love, so it's less threatening for me to be open and vulnerable with them.) I am also doing it more with friends and my siblings. A couple of people at first mentioned how they had never seen my cry, which shocked me... now it's quite a common occurance for me to shed tears and I am ok with it.

You're not a little kid anymore. Your relationship with H was as equals, and you're not powerless to him like a kid is to parents. Your behavior hurt him and he left in order to relieve his hurt. He didn't abandon you.

wow.. this one stung BIG TIME. So you hit on something really deep. Yes, I can see that I have not fully taken responsibility for my actions and behavior. I am playing victim. I need to remind myself that he left because I hurt him and he didn't abandon me. I need to start changing the language and dialogue here as well. I was doing well with this a few months ago, but I have now changed the discourse in my favor. Why? Perhaps because we are now really moving into D territory. It's a reality and I cannot control it or accepted that it's really happening...A lot of hurt here, but I need to deal with it and get past the "poor me" syndrome.

Is it too hard to imagine being happy that he's not in pain? Your struggle is not connected to his happiness, but you're trying to correlate them. You've got to focus on yourself separate from him.

Isn't all of this about co-dependency? I have never really understood it fully and am finally starting to explore this. I will go to CoDa meeting next week, but I will start reading about it in depth this weekend when kids are with H. I think there is A LOT there for me to uncover about myself and my R with H.

Be more patient with yourself, and try to see what's good. Would you rather he not overcome his issues? Would you rather he not forgive? Get out of his sandbox and keep working in your own, at your own pace.

Yes. I need to remain focused on myself. I understand these self-defeating behaviors have been killing my efforts and spirit.

Have you read The Dance of Anger? I found it very helpful.

Thanks for the recommend. This is actually one of the titles that are eagerly awaiting for me at my desk:
- The Dance with Anger
- The Anger Trap
- Love Without Hurt
- The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
- Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce
- Parenting with Love and Logic

My main challenge with all the things I need for my recovery and GAL (reading, meditating, counseling, support groups, exercising) require TIME... which is my most precious commodity. I am trying my best, but am realistic that I will be moving at a slow pace

How long would you like to wait before starting to create this good life? One year? Ten years? Now? Rise like a phoenix and make it happen.

I am here now... :-)

I think you're awesome. What you're doing, some people never do, because they feel entitled to their anger and entitled to hurt other people with it. You don't want that. Keep growing, Keep Going.

Thank you, thank you! This is the kind of encouragement that fills my soul. I am so grateful! :-)

[RoRoinMD]

Somewhere in one of your threads you touched on creating walls to avoid creating intimacy or showing vulnerability. It completely resonated with me.

My lack of vulnerability was one of H's big issues with me ever since we met. I can see that I really never worked on this during our marriage.

This is hard work, but I feel it will be key for me to be happy.

Keep going – This is so important and something I’m struggling with myself. Thank you for telling your story here. I look forward to reading more on your progress. Hopefully I can learn a thing or two from you!

I think you're awesome. What you're doing, some people never do, because they feel entitled to their anger and entitled to hurt other people with it. You don't want that. Keep growing, Keep Going.

This is REALLY good stuff. I can see this easily becoming me. But that stops today!

[BklynMom]

A few weeks ago I signed up for Match. I never finished the questionare cause it is really extensive, so I never officially joined. But ever few days they send me an email with new matches. I love it!

I havent dated yet but the email just gives me hope. My profile indicates that I am divorced with 2 kids, and men are still willing to date me. I was shocked!!

Getting this email has allowed me let go of some of my fear of being a single mom. I am not going to be a single mom for long, I want to remarry or be in a relationship. Now I know that is possible. I am a better catch now then a year ago.

I am still sad, hurt, lonely and miss the H I knew but these silly emails have helped me with other fears.

[NYCPeter]

haha - I did the same thing (at my sister's urging).
I keep getting the same emails and keep thinking - there are all these incredible women out there, why do I want to be with someone who treats me with so little respect.

I'll keep an eye out for your profile

[Valeska19]

KG,
I would recommend adding the book "CoDependent No More" to your list. It's done wonders for me....

... also I would recommend The Shack too. Not a self help book but there were days where I really needed reminding of God's Love for me...

I agree with everyone that you do need to lose the anger.. but it's OK. It's part of the grieving process and alot of times.. growth can come out of it.

I found that.. for me.. some of my healthiest breakthroughs came from getting angry about something.

I understand about being angry that your spouse is happy. I still fight my anger that my w treats others better than she treats me.

But how she treats me.. has no influence (or should anyway) on how I treat her.

Do not show love to your H because he is showing love to you.. do it because you want to be a loving person....

... or as I always tell people.. It's hard to not love someone when I know God loves me and I can be so incredibly unlovable at times.

Do not lose yourself in anger because we tell you not to.... do it because anger destroys the soul. It brings out the ugly... and no one deserves a life of anger.

Hand it over to God. Let him be angry for you.

Do not forgive yourself... just realize that you have ALREADY been forgiven.

Loving your H will be a choice that you will make over and over again.

But understand that loving your H does NOT mean that he can be "controlling" or all over the spectrum with his actions.

Love is soo many things. It's saying no, it's creating boundaries, it's letting people fall.. when you want to save..

... and the list goes on and on.

We tend to always focus on the warm fuzzy feelings or the "butterflies" of love...

...but it's d@mn hard work. So the question is... do you want to put the work in??

[25yearsmlc]

in line with Val's post

I have to sometimes remind myself that God really truly knows me.

and loves me anyhow.

When I read your posts I find myself moved a lot and forced to look inward. I know you are in pain but damn it's also such a brave journey you are taking. And I admire how you continue to take ownership of your issues

even when I wish you'd stop. You know you better.

("The Shack" was a good, albeit odd book. I second the recommendation Val gave. Try "Blue Like Jazz" too...the author writes short essays on God and life. I didn't agree with all of his essays but he makes some neat observations, &he strengthened my faith in a nonspecific but profound way AND he entertained me w/his wit. For sure, that is a first for a book about God.)

Back to you---

please know you are loved and admired, and we all sense an inner goodness and bravery in you...

and regardless of how you think you "blew it" in your m, we know you were in a very very difficult situation.

I suspect all of us would have resented the demands of that life and I KNOW I did resent mine and I only had 2 kids at that time...(We had our 3rd/ last child 8 years after the 2nd one so there was some spacing.)

I WAS TOO ANGRY TOO OFTEN... and a lot of it

was just the ceaselessness having so little sleep, driving long commutes, stressful jobs, and the increasingly unequal burden sharing at home, (especially when pregnant) since my h was in medical training and nothing my career did could ever compete with that

(that was unspoken, and to an extent MY projections...).

But When my career took priority- like studying for the bar in a new state (without which I could not work) or traveeling for work,

it was rarely my h who stepped up for child care, but rather, family or friends, which made ME way more uncomfortable than h.

it didn't seem to bother h at all and that bothered me...so I can really relate to your situation.

We were able to recognize the patterns of burdens and stress and fighting and made some changes. Not as many as I wanted but enough to change our course.

While I still want to damn your h for leaving you pregnant...

I must remind myself this is YOUR journey

and how me daming him, may not help you at all.


Stay the course you have set for yourself. I really admire your work on yourself.

Kudos to you.

((( )))

[keep_going]

Brooklin, NYC Peter, V19 and 25...

I never tire of thanking each and everyone who stops by my thread. I know you all can relate to the sense of belonging and encouragement I get from all your support.

I am so fortunate and honored to have you all to share this journey with.

Thanks for the new book recommendations. I will definitely pick these up. I am almost done with the Dance with Anger, which I started on Friday night.



Today is Sunday afternoon... Yesterday we had a big, grey and windy storm (unusual for Southern Ca). And today the sun is shining. And I feel the same way.

My most recent storm, or stumble in my road to becoming a better me has been painful, but I am happy to say I am feeling much better. I have been reading, praying, meditating and getting in touch with the fear and hurt and anger that has been affecting me for the last few weeks.

I have come to terms with the fact that my H's actions and his motivation for them are not my problem. Yes, his actions may affect me financially and yes, things might be tough for a while, but I am getting my focus back on what I want out of all of this. I have said since he left that I will not fight for money and it's time to prove it with actions.

My D seems imminent, and as 25 put so eloquently, it does seem like my H is intent to follow thru with it. And I am accepting it. Part of my anger in the last month was my reluctance to do so and my desire to keep controlling what I can't. And yet, it is not something I want, so I have decided to let him take the lead back on this. I had been doing so until I felt threatened financially by his actions and I realize that I have been really taking charge of the lawyers, meetings, and process. My H seems happy to sit back and wait for me to act.

I have been saying that I will not let myself react to financial pressures, and I realize I was. So after much prayer and meditation and self-introspection, I have decided to get back to what I believe in my heart is fair. Let H take the lead and when the time, comes, accept an agreement based on the formulas and laws of my state based on our situation. I will let my L lead the way and step aside. No more arguing with H about it.

As for the custody arrangement, we will be meeting with a co-partenting couselor this coming week. We will both get the opinion of an expert as to what she thinks is best for our kids at this time. I will approach this meeting with an open heart and faith that God will let me see what is the best for them. And I will have the strength to follow thru with however that looks like, regardless of what that means financially for me.

I am so fortunate to be prepared and healthy and a hard-worker and I will do what I need to do. On the other hand, I know that being with my kids is more important than any money and if we end up splitting custody 50/50 and I get a lot less money from my H, I will be ok. I can live modestly while they are young. IT will be temporary and they need my presence and love more than my (or my husband's) money. I am at peace now with this; I know that is what I am supposed to do.

I have been working a lot on letting go of the resentment against H for his actions lately. I am letting go of thoughts about his motivations. Those are his, good or bad and he will have to face himself for it.

I am focusing on my motivations, keeping them pure and honest and that is all I can do. So I am now showing my H that I respect him and whatever he decides to do with his journey. I have been polite and respectful during kids' exchanges this weekend and I sent him a text thanking him for hooking up the girls on skype so I could talk to them this morning.



My first full weekend w/o my kids has been a good one.
Lots of reading, praying, meditating. I went for breakfast and shopping with one friend yesterday. Then went out for dinner with another girlfriend who is also going thru a D. :-(

This morning I went for breakfast with my mom and a cousin and this afternoon I am going to a Galaxy game - (hopefully the most beautiful man in the world will be there ;-)

And this evening my kids will be back. I am mentally prepared for a peaceful and pleasant interaction and exchange with my H.

This is the first step towards a truce and starting all over again. And that is ok with me. I feel so much better and at peace today than I have in the last month, and I want to build on it. I am getting rid of the resentment and dark stuff that I have been harboring inside of me during this Divorce phase.

It won't be easy, but I have to keep focused and confident that God is holding my hand. I have a lot of friends and family that are with me and will be there for me.

I am truly fortunate.

Thank you all.