Just separated from my husband and need support

[Milady]

I've been reading the posts here for the last couple of months and have been really encouraged and inspired by the stories. I'm ready to share my story as I need some support. My family thinks I am being a doormat for trying to DB and my friends think I'm an idiot. I'm not sure if they're right.

I'll try to be as succinct as possible, but this is a long story: back in Oct. my husband out of the blue announced that he was not happy and wanted a divorce (btw, this was two days before my birthday so that was fun). I knew we had been having problems but blamed it on recent events. We moved to a new city in June for his job. I had no friends or family there and had been unable to find work in my field so I was home all the time and feeling really lonely and probably not being the best wife to him (although I thought that was part of the deal with me giving up my job to move with him). He hates his job and works 70 hour weeks. We have also only been married two years so we were still getting adjusted (the people who told me nothing would change after marriage were lying). Anyway, I responded in the predictable way, crying, begging, getting angry. He agreed to see a counselor but said he knew it wouldn't help. So for the next two months we saw a counselor, which seemed to be helping but he still said he wanted out. During this time we are still ML and towards the end of December H is even kissing me (hadn't been doing that before). Then I do something stupid. H tells me he doesn't want to do Christmas together since things are still tense. Since he would be working that basically meant I was kicked out of our home for Christmas while his family came there. I was really angry and hurt and I told some people on his side of the family what was going on and that I was getting kicked out for Christmas. H was infuriated by this and said it was the last straw even though "things were getting better," which he had refused to admit previously. He said he was definitely filing papers but wouldn't say when. I went to my friend's house for New Years to escape and when I got back H was really emotional and asking why I was still being so nice to him (uh, because I love you?) He still wouldn't say when he was going to file. A few days later he tells me out of the blue that he loves me and wants to "take divorce off the table" and work on us. I'm ecstatic, but obviously skeptical. He promises he means it and he won't do it again and he's sorry for putting me through that. A few weeks go by and things are kind of strained and awkward (I thought understandably so, since we spent the past two months thinking we were divorcing). We didn't have a chance to go to counseling because we were both doing some traveling, and H's work load is insane so I didn't see much of him. I started to notice him reverting to old behaviors: going out with friends instead of coming home after work, getting immediately on the computer and ignoring me, not giving me any affection. And then sure enough, right after Valentine's Day (which he totally ignored) he tells me things are too awkward and we have grown apart and there is no fixing us and he wants a divorce. At that point I was just pissed because why would he put me through thinking things were going to be ok and then pull the rug out from under me again? Despite my snooping and obsessing I have found no evidence of an A, but to me that is the only explanation I can think of for his going back and forth. Anyway, I decided the only thing I could do at that point was move out and try the LRT. I still had no job so I moved a few hours away to live with my sister. I moved March 1. I am still looking for a job but I've had many more interviews here than I did there. Since moving I have mostly left contact up to H. He has called me once, during which time he asked why I never call or text him. I really believe he still loves me but is just going through a crisis. He still says he doesn't know when he will file papers. His excuse is he wants me to have his health insurance as long as possible, but I think if he really wanted out he would file. He also at one point before I left told me, "well, you're the one who's moving out" like I was the one hurting him. I'm trying to stay positive, but there are days (like yesterday) where I am just angry and think I should just file myself and move on to someone who really wants to be with me. Some days I obsess over whether there was or is someone else or if he considers himself single now that I've moved out. Like so many other people have said it is like he has become a different person these last few months and I really really don't like that guy. But I want to believe that underneath it all is my sweet, thoughtful husband. I guess I just want to hear from others that I'm not being an idiot to wait and hope that I can turn things around even though they've gotten to this point where it seems un-fixable.