That was pretty scary. I need to check on the kids and on her, make sure everyone is physically alright. It is 5:30am. I slept better last night than most of the past month. Weird. Anyway, I took the keys to our only car when she started talking about how she would be packing up the kids to leave ASAP (not just the house, but the state). I need to talk to law enforcement about that today. She tried to hit me and threw a laundry basket at me (yeah, she continued to do laundry between explosions. It was surreal). But nothing last night would get the police involved. She was so mad. I was a blank slate. I am proud of how I comforted the kids last night. They were all very scared and confused. I got them to all stay in big sis' bed together. I should have had them sleep with me, but first I didn't know how the evening would go and I was playing it by ear, and second I had this stupid sense that it would be unfair for me to swoop into their hearts and gain connection when Mommy was hurting them. I don't understand my feelings, but I hate a lot about myself. There is certainly deep emotional problems that center on me that were part of the cause of last night. I know I need to not accept responsibility for my wife's actions, both the affair and her rage. But how do I balance that with taking responsibility for what I've done? So, I'm a little okay with just seeing last night as an angry teenager not getting what she wanted. I've never really stood up to her like that. I always thought I was strong like a rock, and it [censored] to find that I was strong like a sidewalk. I broke down a little when she was out last night, but mostly I was granite-faced (like a deer in headlights?). Kids asked why I wasn't sad. I think that my detachment is scary and my general emotional detachment too. But I guess this isn't the best time to be connecting with how I feel. I'm a mess. Anyone? I've gotta go make sure my wife didn't slit her wrists...
