Well, W and I went to MC, and there was some hopeful stuff there. Right now we are living "separately" (sleeping apart, talking minimally), but this is having the effect of making things more peaceful
W brought up that when we were discussing buying laundry detergent (of all things), she had felt defensive, as though she were under attack. It occurred to her, she said, that at this point in our M, we didn't know how to talk to each other about anything without feeling in conflict. That is a positive insight - she is realizing that one of the problems is our inability to communicate and that says that she actually WANTS to communicate. It also involves a problem which she feels is hers as much as mine.
I am hoping that by giving each other space (even if the space is a bit extreme right now) we will break the cycle of conflict - reapproach with hurt feelings - conflict, etc. and we can g-r-a-d-u-a-l-l-y reapproach each other (over months or even years) in a more healthy way. Maybe I will be able to get in without losing myself.
But, I guess I am getting ahead of myself. One thing at a time. First, stabilize having a peaceful life co-existing with W in the same house, perhaps even cooperatively. Then later on, perhaps we can be friends. Build trust over a period of time. But I am still on the first step, and need to focus on that one before even thinking about anything else.
And in the meantime, take care of myself, my own emotional and mental health needs. It's funny, only now am I realizing the extent to which I expected W to take care of those. Perhaps doing this alone - being responsible for my own needs and feelings - might have had a profound impact on our M.
Well, we live and we learn. No point in saying I should have learned this all earlier...I didn't, and that's the fact of the matter.
Hope everybody's doing well. Take care.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
