I didn't see it coming...but now I see everything

[sandi2]

Since you have not read DR, then you may not be familiar with all the terms. I've read posts from different people that misunderstood "Going Dark". If there are no children, and the H can move out and stay away from the WAW with no contact whatsoever....then that is "going dark".

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

This is a good description of what the LBS hopes to accomplish by going dark. However, it is impossible to go dark living under the same roof and/or sharing children. To be dark means she never sees you and never has any contact from you.....period. You can't do that if you have small children.

Detaching and trying to stick to the 180's will be better for you right now. It is going to be very difficult living with her. It will take a lot of focus on your goals in order not to crash & burn. The biggest thing you can do right now is to get your eyes off her and what she's doing or not doing.

Your journey has just started. The worst is yet to come. You need to brace yourself for the ride by reading the stories here from other LBH's who discovered their W was having an affair.

Go on line and search for PEA's. This will inform you of what your W will continue to experience for several months (even if she stops the affair.)

Do not expect to see all of this resolved and back to normal in a short time.

The hardest thing for men is not doing something to fix things. It's not even a matter of fixing. It's so much more involved.

I have read some stories here from men who were in your shoes, and the WAW would end the A and the H would think things were okay b/c the OM was out of the picture. But, even when OM is out, she has so much she has to go through. You both will. It's like the MR has a terrible cancer that is cut out, only to face all the harsh treatments in order to heal and survive what the cancer did.

Your M can survive this. But it will take a very long time of healing. It can happen! It can be good again. That is the encouragement I hope to leave with you.