First off, do you find yourself operating on a fear of what your w will do with ss and sd if you don't play ball?
Being dark and civil for me was a kind of delicate balance. I did this during the time period where H was constantly talking of walking out, having tantrums about wanting to be free, and for the most part, bouncing back and forth from wanting me there, to totally despising my presence. I cannot say that what I did would work for another, but it did work for me.
I was able to detach and withdraw without being unkind. It may seem unkind to boot my h off my facebook, but when i did it, he said, "Notice that you don't have me on your facebook anymore" and I said, "Yeah, kind of getting in that space of us moving on as you were talking about". I do remember the look on his face. He didn't really want that, at the time, as he revealed to me later on about how it really gutted him, when I took steps to give him a huge amount of space. I began to pull back, without being unkind, without being nasty.
One night the cards were playing, and that's our team. We have always watched games together. He was in the living room watching, and asked me if I'd join.... and I just said in a kind voice, "I'm so sorry, I'm going over to (my neighbors) for a movie, enjoy the game!" and I left.
He was emailing me from work wanting me to respond, and after a few days in a row of no responses, he finally asked me what was up and I said, "Oh I think we should just email when it's about our D. I'm pretty busy lately and I'm not able to check mail all the time".
I stopped being as available to him as I used to be... and he later told me in counseling that this is when he started to wake up and see what he was about to lose.
I probably went more dim, than I did dark. he was still around and so we did have contact each day...it's a detachment and a realization.
I know several times he would come in from work and either ignore me or want me to sit down and listen to something funny that happened. He liked me being there for him when he came in, but I stopped being there. I made other plans to be away, and he started coming to an empty home.
Your W may not like it when you exclude her from your facebook, or tell her "let's restrict our contact only to the needs of our kids". And if she does not like it, you can say.. "I'm giving you the space you need, I need mine too". Or something to this degree. You can still be civil.
