MC says to call it quits

[Accuray]

Accuray:
What strikes me is that you keep running into this in one way or another. It is not only the "health" of your relationship with your wife that is defined by your sex life...it is your definition of who you are that is tied very strongly to your sex life.

Captain, most of your analysis I agree with, this part I don't. I feel like I have a decent handle on this at this point. My core "neediness" if you want to call it that is to feel wanted and needed in this relationship. Sex is a proxy for that, but would decrease in importance (and does) when I'm getting that met in other ways.

At one point after the affair I was fixated on the sex life. That was after reading SSM and more significantly "Passionate Marriage", which insists that a great sex life is essential to a great marriage. At that point, I was hell bent on trying to have the best sex life I could have.

After much therapy and MC, I realize that I'm never going to have that with W, that's not her and she's not willing to work on it, so I have taken my foot off the gas on that front and have been working on accepting what I am getting.

I admit I had a bad reaction to the "no" before I left on this trip, but I hadn't gotten a hard "no" in a long time, and I hadn't been feeling very connected to (or pursued by) W for some time. Therefore I believe I lead you to focus on a symptom rather than what's *really* bothering me.

This is a "problem" that is going to keep recurring. What I see is this: if your sex life isn't going somewhat in a direction that you think that it "should" even after all you've been through that somehow you are, and I'm choosing a strong word intentionally, a "failure."

I don't think so, if W doesn't want to have sex with me I don't consider myself to be a failure -- I don't think there is anything wrong with me sexually. I feel sad that things could be better because I'm willing to do whatever work is required but W is not interested in going on that journey with me.

If W stopped having sex with me entirely, I know I would leave versus thinking it was in some way my fault or my deficiency.

At age 48, I was 4 years into my current drought and although the initial upset had diminished somewhat, I look at what I wrote in my journals at that time and I was clearly very upset at the lack of sex and what it "meant."

I believe that MC (and you) helped me get beyond this thinking. I am not fixated on it like I was three months ago.

That meaning, whatever it is that you apply to yourself on the subject of your sex life is precisely the difficulty you keep running into. You keep running into this definition of your self that is so tied to your sex life and that keeps you "miserable" (in that you feel the need to patch stuff up, you don't sleep well, etc).

Yes, it bothers me that I'm married to a woman who doesn't seem to want to be with me as much as I want to be with her -- but that's not just a sexual thing. The sex life is once again just a manifestation of a larger trend which is the REAL issue. And I do believe that "The Solo Partner" is helping with that. It's a difficult line to walk.

So what am I doing about that? I'm losing weight and getting in shape for me. I'm detaching from W and giving space. With each 5 pounds I lose I feel better and better. I am 100% convinced that if W were to cheat on me again I would have what it takes to walk away.

I also haven't forgotten your advice about setting a timeline. If I'm not feeling better by the end of the year I'm going to go the ultimatum route.


Accuray