You have been to my thread, so you know about my anger issues by now...
Originally Posted By: purgatory
Letting go of your anger will do so much good for your piece of mind. Holding all of that in, doesn't hurt H in anyway- it only hurts yourself.
Yep...
Originally Posted By: purgatory
if your anger continues to build, it could ruin any chances of reconciliation- if that's still what you want.)
Yep...
Originally Posted By: purgatory
If you *do* want the M, then you've got to do the hard work to resolve your anger.
Hope I'm not coming off to harsh.... I just don't want to see your anger get the better of you
Yes again!
Thanks Purg - I could have not said any of this any better.
As for any recommended reading materials, I have read a couple of Patricia Evan's books on Verbal Abuse. They are great at identifying specific anger-driven behaviors and some of the underlying issues for them. But let me warn you - she believes that only verbally abusive men can reform. Yes, you heard that right. She believes that women cannot reform and she mentions that in a couple of her books. But don't let that deter you, of course it's nonsense - anyone can change. But there is useful (and very painful) info there and that is why I recommend her (plus I want more and more women to prove her wrong ;-)
Other books waiting for me: - The Dance with Anger (I started it today) - The Anger Trap - Love Without Hurt - The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
Hope this helps!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
if some of your anger is due to the affair.. maybe reading up on affairs would help. sometimes it's easier to forgive (or get past) when you have a better understanding on the whys.. just a thought. i read "after the affair". gave me new perspective.
Me:38.. H:33. Two beautiful kids S:6 D:3 M:8.. together for 11. Bomb dropped:10/17/11 Separated:11/07/11
if some of your anger is due to the affair.. maybe reading up on affairs would help. sometimes it's easier to forgive (or get past) when you have a better understanding on the whys.. just a thought. i read "after the affair". gave me new perspective.
Great point, BF, thank you.
Another book re. affairs is "Not Just Friends"
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Purg – My C actually has a free meditation group once a month. I’ve only gone once, but it was great. She also pointed me towards some Kaiser meditation mp3s that I was able to download. They are great as well.
I need to start journaling again. I used to do it all the time, but stopped. I’m sure this will help me. Love the voice memos idea. I’m anti-Apple, but have something on my droid I can use.
KG & BF - I've had "After the Affair" downloaded on my Nook Color for at least 3 weeks now. Started reading it last night before bed. I need to be careful about my interactions with H while I'm reading this, as I could feel myself getting angry reliving the bomb drop.
Friday, I left work early to run some errands and take a nap. I was semi-asleep when H got home. He was on the phone when he came in. It did cross my mind that he was talking to OW (his MO is normally to talk to her to/from work), but I was too tired to dwell on it. He did come to the bedroom door and look in on me. I’m sure he was surprised I was home and already asleep because he asked me if I had run all of my errands once I got up.
He had eaten a bowl of cereal while I was asleep, but offered to go get me dinner once I woke up. I told him I’d just eat a sandwich for now. He did end up going out later on to get dinner. We just sat around watching NCAA basketball, and talking occasionally.
We did have a conversation that would normally have turned into an argument Friday night. We were just talking – normal, random conversation – and his tone sounds like he’s irritated or agitated or something. So I asked him if I was irritating him or getting on his nerves. He said no. I said well your tone is saying something different. He said no he was fine. Not sure what that was about, and I did think about it for maybe another minute, and then moved on. So a 180 for me! Ordinarily, I would have gotten an attitude back for no reason, and basically started an argument or made it into something bigger than it was. If he was irritated, that’s on him. Can’t control that.
He ended up staying up really late. But he got up when I left Saturday morning to go get a haircut. Saturday, I GALed for 3 hours – dance rehearsal. So by the time I made it home, I hadn’t eaten, and I was beat. He offered to go get me something to eat. I told him I didn’t really want too much, so I made a sandwich, and we both ended up taking a nap. Way too long of a nap. We both ended up staying up pretty late – Rodney until after 4 am. The only reason I know this is because he was on the computer in our bedroom too, which kept me up until he came to bed.
This was the 2nd night in a row he was up late. Made me think he and OW had a couple of late night text sessions. I don't know for sure, and I didn’t check the phone records (as bad as I wanted to). I just know this is what was happening before I found out he was having an A. He hasn't done it but once I think since I found out.
We were both talking about how tired we were yesterday. He said he couldn’t sleep Saturday night, and ended up watching one of our favorite movies, and that’s what kept him up. I just said okay, and left it at that.
H changed up his haircut on Saturday, and kept rubbing his head - thinking he is SO hot over the weekend. I just know I'm going to find him posing in the mirror. Of course, it is sexy as hell, and makes me want to jump his bones, but I managed to restrain myself this weekend. Not so much this morning. LOL *shrug*
Went to church yesterday, and had a great time. Our performance turned out great! I wasn’t feeling that well afterwards so I came home and slept. (Just so you guys know, before anyone says anything – I LOVE NAPS. Always have. My mother always says my siblings and I will sleep our life away if given the chance. I’m not sleeping to get away from my problems. Well not on a regular basis anyway. LOL) Then there was more basketball, and I went to the grocery story to grab stuff for the week, and dinner.
He’s still offering to do things for me, and being helpful. Sometimes I think it would be better if he wasn't being nice and all that. I know how to respond to that. This other stuff he's doing - I don't even know what to call it - is confusing and kind of annoying.
Made it to kickboxing for the first time in a month. Felt good to do something for me. I lived through it, and everything hurts, including my armpits. LOL
H was looking sad when I got home. Said he was just SO tired, he was going to take his shower and just lay in bed until he fell asleep. After his shower, I took one of my new "anger/grumpiness management toys" Grumpy Smurf (an idea from my DB Coach), and sat it on the bed next to him. I said, "Thought you might need some time with Grumpy tonight." He just busted out laughing, but didn't move it, and I walked out.
Now that I think about it, he's been like this for a couple of days. I wondered for half a second whether he and OW had gotten into it. Then I realized I didn't care that much (today anyway).
I've had a really good day and was not letting him ruin it with his "Woe is me" attitude.
Good for you! Tomorrow try to build on it and keep it going.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Hey Ro, I had a similar experience with S19 yesterday, part of my "fix-it" issue.
He was not in a good mood after our sky-diving adventure. He is pretty closed down in situations that are unfamiliar or he isn't the expert.
My previous MO would have been to ask what's wrong, try to cajole him into a better mood, be over solicitous. I would also then ruin my good time by taking on his feelings.
Yesterday I respected him enough to allow him to deal with his own feelings. He can do it.
And I respected my right to have a good time without being controlled by someone else's feelings.
I had to work this out step-by-step in my head as the day went on but it did make a difference. By the end of the evening we were all having a great time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My previous MO would have been to ask what's wrong, try to cajole him into a better mood, be over solicitous. I would also then ruin my good time by taking on his feelings.
And I respected my right to have a good time without being controlled by someone else's feelings.
I had to work this out step-by-step in my head as the day went on but it did make a difference.
Same here! Last night I just decided I wasn't going to. I had to keep telling myself not to check on him every 5 minutes and to just leave him alone.
This morning his mood was worse I think. He added a headache and stomach ache. Said he should just stay home, and take a day off work. I asked if he was feeling that bad? He said yes. I was just like Oh wow. You might want to take something for that.
I think there is definitely something going on with him, but can't figure out what. So I stopped trying to. LOL I hope he's not about to get all depressed and sad again. I'm not sure I can take it. I can only control me, and right now that's enough.
It's dreary and rainy here today, which is affecting my mood, but I'm pushing through. I need for this to be a good day, so yesterday doesn't seem like such a fluke.
