What do I do next? Part 3

[25yearsmlc]

LH

I read your whole thread (all 3.)

When you two separated the first 2 times, did YOU change? She SAID you didn't or that your changes did not last.

Also when she first left this time you eventually admitted that you believed "she'd eventually realize HER mistake and come home. "

Too bad you believed that b/c it means you avoided digging deep to figure out what YOU could work on to change YOU.

You conceded that you have an unfortunate need to be right, even while then saying "and I usually am"...and seeing no irony in that comment. (More on the need to be right later...) You said "When someone meets me for the first time, they either say that I'm shy or that I'm an a$$hole. I am naturally argumentative and always have a need to be right which leads some people to think that I'm also arrogant or full of myself. I'm currently working on these as part of my 180's, but I do appreciate the sentiment though"...

You said "before w left" You were critical and impatient with her and the kids...and that you had a temper with them.

You also say you have seen your 12 y/o son act this way too.

You were also depressed a lot.

You made a lot of comments about working on those negative traits of yours and even getting an IC to help you b/c

you admit that its NOT just the marital relationship in which you find yourself disliked, (see above)
I suspect by "shy" you mean quiet and possibly unfriendly...

so these are things that are NOT YOUR W's responsibility at all, AND you have known of them for years.

I think you get that they bugged and hurt her more than you realize AND those traits hurt YOU and your life too. It's all your stuff to work on AND that is good news

Why? B/c

Then you are not powerless.

If you were a perfect h and dad AND still your w left you , then you'd be screwed.


Finding our flaws to work on to improve is empowering. Do you Get that?

Then in November you said "If there were an OM, at least I'd know it was not MY fault...it'd be b/c of HER"..

and that is a remarkably inaccurate statement. AND DOES NOT HELP YOU...

The OM is a symtom not a cause. Get that.

Your wife is No serial cheater so this is her first A....why now? B/C she does not believe
That you are different and that marriage to you could be better.

What I am hearing is you deflecting any responsibility (or minimizing it,) from yourself (even after revealing a lot of things anyone would need to work on and that any spouse would find tough to cope with or be around...)

It's like you have amnesia about your role in this, and that your anger is paramount and self righteous.

Hey I know you are also very wounded and I am sorry..but that anger is hurting YOU more than anyone else, except maybe your boys...

You said

when one party does not uphold their end of the contract, how come there isn't any laws that can be used to punish the guilty party? For example, my W had an A, thus she is guilty of infidelity and should be punished by the law.
----
I didn't decide to have an A, I didn't leave my M, I didn't decide to do this to my kids. I'm not saying that I couldn't have done things better, but I'm not the bad guy here and she certainly isn't righteous (but should be guilty).



Wow...how's that judgemental approach working for you?

Of course it's not! And unfortunately you can tell us all how much calmer you are now and how you are less irritable with or around her,

but what I read is pursuit and repeating what does not work

and self righteousness, anger, and the NEED TO BE DECLARED "RIGHT"...but soooo not happy.

I cannot imagine your w believing you could ever get past this to work on you.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

This behavior and wording of yours MUST show and it must remind her of the past separations....in which you deflected from genuine introspection and growth b/c that might mean you were at least partly responsible and..."wrong"...

Lose the scorecard and wake up to the reality that in HER MIND/HEART---YOU broke your vows to her many times over.

In HER MIND/HEART you pushed her into the arms of OM...


Do not miss the chance of a life time here, to become the best man YOU can become and to show your boys how to do that.

Enough about OM. Stay in your sandbox and work on YOU and ONLY YOU....

Take Accuracy's advice

(or any of the other great posters here who help YOU keep the focus on the one person you can control---YOU)
Accuracy said==

"Forgetting about W for a while, what are you doing for yourself? Have you figured out any GAL activities? I know you are spending quality time with your kids and that is giving you some enjoyment, but when they are not around, what are you doing with yourself? As I mentioned previously, I bought an inexpensive road bike on Craigslist and racked up tons of miles, and picked up an inexpensive electric guitar and taught myself to play. Both of those were things I felt really good about that I could do on my schedule and didn't require me to commute or spend money on an ongoing basis. They were both also very inexpensive one-time investments, and if I sell them I'll probably get back what I paid.

What are you doing for you?"

I want to hear the same...what are your GAL and 180s? No more resistance to it.

Meet new people, make real friends, and keep them by being the new you.

That's attractive, btw AND it will be a noticable change in YOU that your w will hear of..do Not point it out or highlight it or it'll look like a tactic as opposed to real changes in you.

IMO-- you probably can turn this around, but only by focussing on you and the flaws you have. AND ONLY YOU...now is not the time to discuss what YOU NEED or want from her b/c she wants out....she is not here posting...


it's not about OM...

it's about YOU and becoming a man only a fool would leave.