Rollercoaster Ride...Holding on for dear life!

[mimivac]

Sometimes I feel like HE should be the one doing all this. Granted we both are responsible for the breakdown in our M. But I'm not the one who stepped out. "I" was trying to fix it the best way I knew how. So there's definitely some anger there, and feeling like I shouldn't have to do anything. (Wrong way of thinking, I know)

Well, I totally know where you're coming from there. Unfortunately, we are not in that position. The anger is something I am dealing with, too.

[RoRoinMD]

Journaling…

Yesterday, I was VERY angry. In fact, it felt like I was itching for a fight. I realize that I want my H to pay for his A and hurting me. (I mean, who wouldn’t?) But starting a fight or provoking him in some way is NOT going to get me to where I want to go (and frankly need to be). Yes, I want a new M with my H. Hopefully that will happen. Either way, I need to be free of the things that have been holding me back from enjoying life for so long.

During my previous counseling sessions, my C of course went through my family history and all that. Thinking about why I was so mad yesterday, I realized something. I have serious abandonment issues. Whether real or imagined, I feel like almost every man in my life has abandoned me at some point ON PURPOSE: my dad left and moved 2 states away with NO/minimal contact when I was 7; my first serious boyfriend decided he needed to sow his oats, and wanted out after 3 years; and now my husband – you all know that story.

These abandonment issues have caused me to be very angry, and very cold. When my H and I actually started dating, I had a wall up so thick, nothing could penetrate it. He’s told me as much. I’m pretty sure I use it as protection so I don’t get hurt. So now, I’m even angrier that I let my wall/guard down, believing my H when he said he’d never do something like this. I’m SO angry at MYSELF for believing in him. I keep thinking in the back of my mind, “See if you had never, ever let him in, you’d be so much better off right now.” And I think that’s what’s keeping me from DBing effectively, and doing anything off the list from my DB coach.

I think there’s also a lot of fear involved when I think about letting myself feel anything, outside of anger for my H, and that I will get hurt again. Which is NOT really helping in the forgiveness department. I need to find a way to release my anger and fear. I’m in no way scared to be alone. In fact, that’s the least of my worries. I know I’ll be fine in that department. It’s the being okay alone, and not angry or bitter that I’m worried about. I don’t want to become that person EVER AGAIN.

I wish I could find a SBT in my area, but so far I haven’t been able to. My C was actually good, but she never seemed to want to move past my history. I feel like I need something more now. *shrug*

Last night, I managed to calm down and not saying anything to my H to provoke a fight. I came home, sat on my balcony with a snack, and read until the sun went down. I was so exhausted. Being angry can make you TIRED. LOL Sitting on the balcony was a big 180 for me because I think in the 6 years I’ve lived there; I’ve sat out there less than 5 times. H and I were talking about how nice the weather has been, and I said I didn’t get to enjoy it while I was at work, but had gone out on the balcony after I got home. He gave me a surprised look when I told him I had been out there.

I haven’t really been DBing. Just existing I guess. H has continued to be attentive, helpful, and easy going. But I think he can definitely sense when something is off with me. It completely changes the dynamic in the house, and he tends to either go to sleep or leave the room.

I am going to read over the notes I took from my session with my DB coach, and maybe set a goal to do one thing over the weekend. I feel like I’m not doing anything productive towards DBing, and therefore obviously not getting anything in return (i.e., detachment, no expectations, etc.)

[Brian in Hville]

It's ok Ro...Sometimes, you just need a break from life. It's best not to do anything, then do something you will regret later. You need some serious Ro time! Go somewhere that makes you feel comfortable. Someplace where you can get back to being who you want to be.

Whenever you feel like you want to lash out, do it here! Heck, you can pretend I am him and send me a string of cusses in Words with Friends (which, btw, it's your turn)!

Brian

[RoRoinMD]

It's ok Ro...Sometimes, you just need a break from life. It's best not to do anything, then do something you will regret later. You need some serious Ro time! Go somewhere that makes you feel comfortable. Someplace where you can get back to being who you want to be.

Whenever you feel like you want to lash out, do it here! Heck, you can pretend I am him and send me a string of cusses in Words with Friends (which, btw, it's your turn)!

Brian

Does a night in bed with junk food and an awful movie count as Ro time? Because that's my plan for tonight. LOL My happy hour with the girls got canceled. :-(

I just remebered it was my turn today. LOL

[purgatory]

Letting go of your anger will do so much good for your piece of mind. Holding all of that in, doesn't hurt H in anyway- it only hurts yourself.

You will have to do a lot of relaxation, journaling, therapy- whatever it takes to learn how to not let it eat away at you. Not to stress you out- but it took me nearly a year of weekly therapy to discover, learn and let go of my anger issues that were eating away at my M (even though you and H are in a rough spot- if your anger continues to build, it could ruin any chances of reconciliation- if that's still what you want.)

I know you love H and I understand how hard it will be to learn to 'get over' his A. (playing devil's advocate) Think about this: when he left, you wanted him to forgive you for your actions in the M- and it's taken a while for him to resolve his feelings about the M and decide to come back... Now it's your turn.
Your first decision is to determine if you want to reconcile the M. If you do, that becomes your stake in the ground- then all your other decisions/ actions should keep you on the path to that goal. If you *do* want the M, then you've got to do the hard work to resolve your anger.

Hope I'm not coming off to harsh.... I just don't want to see your anger get the better of you

[RoRoinMD]

Purg, thank you for your feedback. At this point, I do want to R my M. I wouldn't forgive myself if I just walked away without even trying when things got rough (even though H already has). Granted, I won't stand forever, but for now, I have nothing but time.

I know I need to do something about my anger. I don't think I can realistically "do" therapy again just yet. But...I do like the idea of journaling and meditation, so maybe I'll start there. I am also going to be looking for books on releasing anger. I know people have given suggestions on certain books, so if anyone has specific books they recommend, let me know.

I totally get your forgiveness analogy. I get it, Purg. *smirk*

It wasn't harsh at all. Just straight from the hip like normal. ;-)

[hopingandpraying]

I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I, too, need to let go of anger for my H walking away. It is hard, as I'm sure you know. Keep working at it and things could get better. I wish I had better/more advice, but I'm only a month into my separation and I don't know what to do half the time with myself. I will just pray that things become better between you and your H.

[Dory]

Hi Ro,

I hope you don't mind me chiming in on your thread. I'm not familiar with your sitch, was just reading the last couple of posts and feel a little compelled to say something about my own experiences of releasing anger.

One tool that my therapist taught me that I've found particularly useful is to use agression as a means to get it out. Agression is basically the physical release of anger. Do you live near any batting cages, by any chance? I love the batting cages! While focusing on what's making you so angry, you can growl it out while swinging the bat & nobody seems to care or notice because it's not an uncommon thing for women to grunt or growl while hitting a ball. If you don't live near any batting cages, using a baseball bat or tennis racquet on an old sofa cushion also works (just wear gloves so you don't hurt your hands). Going to the dojo and beating up a sparring dummy also works. It can be very cathartic.

I hope you find this useful.

[RoRoinMD]

Hi Dory,

Thanks for stopping through. I was taking kickboxing classes before I got sick and found out I have vertigo. I haven't been back since, but may try to next week. I do like the baseball bat idea though. Going to the sports store tomorrow. LOL

[purgatory]

Glad you got my point Ro

Somce you dont wakt to do therapy right now (understandable), ill share with you my tricks that my AWESOME counselor taught me- I saw her every monday for 11 months straight.... She became a 'friend'.

My therapist had me do 2 things that really helped:
1. Breathing/visualization. Lay back, on a bed or recliner, and close your eyes. Picture yourself in a calming place- whatever location works for you (beach, mountain, field...) once you're there, focus on your breathing. The deep kind from your gut. Breathe in for 10 seconds (slowly) and breathe out for 10 more. Do this for about 10 minutes a day (I usually fall asleep)
2. Journaling. For me, writing became frustrating because my hand couldn't keep up with my thoughts- and I would loose track or loose my train of thought. I started keeping an audio journal on my phone- so I can record my thoughts while driving or anywhere- and it only takes 3-5 minutes. If you have the iPhone, it should come with an app called 'voice memos'. It's super easy to use, and it will sync to your iTunes account, so you never loose them

Just some thoughts,
Only looking out for #1!!